快考试了，第一次写作文，求德克或其他高人帮忙改改

yepp4y

政府应该在医疗保障还是环境治理上花费更多精力

 

Depending on personal experience, personality type and emotional concern, we find that some people hold the idea that government should devote more time and energy to medical protection. But others, in contrast, believe paying great attention to environment as the premier choice and that is also my point. Among countless factors which influence the choice of environment protection, there are several conspicuous aspects as follows..

 

The main reason for my propensity for environment protection is that environment pollution causes and contributes to a lot of healthy problems. For example, air pollution is the main cause to lung cancer in the world, and if we just pay a lot of money and energy in curing cancer with no devotion to environment improvement, we will get nothing but more and more people with lung cancer.

 

Another reason can be seen by every one is that good environment makes good mood, and people will be away from any diseases if they are happy enough. It is another way of keeping healthy which is also a save on the medical expenditure.

 

In addition, the argument I support in the first paragraph is also in a position of advantage in the economy basis. People now are getting richer and richer, and they have more time and eager to find some places where are full of clean air, with no pollution and with many many trees and lakes, In a word, they are chasing the places with high quality environment. So, paying great attention to protect environment will increase the total revenue of the local government.

 

Although I agree that there may be a couple of advantages of medical protection. But when compared to environment protection, medical protection is exterior of environment protection. Because the higher quality environment we have, the less chance we will get diseases.

 

All in all, environment protection is the core of the healthy problems. Taking into account all the factors above, we may safely draw the conclusion that is sagacious to choose environment protection.

yepp4y

没人理啊真可怜

hamasaki522

你这篇作文，

Depending on personal experience, personality type and emotional concern, we find that some people hold the idea that government should devote more time and energy to medical protection. But others, in contrast, believe paying great attention to environment as the premier choice and that is also my point. Among countless factors which influence the choice of environment protection, there are several conspicuous aspects as follows..

 

 

The main reason for my propensity for environment protection is that environment pollution causes and contributes to a lot of healthy problems. For example, air pollution is the main cause to lung cancer in the world, and if we just pay a lot of money and energy in curing cancer with no devotion to environment improvement, we will get nothing but more and more people with lung cancer.

Another reason can be seen by every one is that good environment makes good mood, and people will be away from any diseases if they are happy enough. It is another way of keeping healthy which is also a save on the medical expenditure.

In addition, the argument I support in the first paragraph is also in a position of advantage in the economy basis. People now are getting richer and richer, and they have more time and eager to find some places where are full of clean air, with no pollution and with many many trees and lakes, In a word, they are chasing the places with high quality environment. So, paying great attention to protect environment will increase the total revenue of the local government.（用词简单了）

Although I agree that there may be a couple of advantages of medical protection. But when compared to environment protection, medical protection is exterior of environment protection. Because the higher quality environment we have, the less chance we will get diseases.

All in all, environment protection is the core of the healthy problems. Taking into account all the factors above, we may safely draw the conclusion that is sagacious to choose environment protection. （废话，不要再用了）

最近暑期班课太多，下星期有时间给你改，先提建议，

评论：1.结构！！！！最后三段并。最后一段删掉，写的实在废话，无新意！~

            2、助动词少用，自己找动词替代。

             3.第一段中心不突出，注意你的长短句结合。第三段不够，加！

            4、文字太生了，读起来硬邦邦的，你可以适当使用一下暗喻和排比，但是不能老套。