请问，又谁能帮我修改一下作文吗？不胜感激。

kevinlee

本人写作水平很烂，所以从上个星期开始，每天都写一片作文。希望大家能帮助我修改以下我的作文。本人不胜感激。在这里先谢谢大家了。一下是我的三篇作文，写的不好，大家不要见笑。
5
A company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near your community. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new influence on your community. Do you support or oppose the factory? Explain your position.

A company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near your community.Different people have different opinion.If i faced with this issue, i would support building a large factory near community.In the following discussion, I would like to reason of advantages and disadvantages of this new influence on my community and provide evidence to support my viewpoint.

No issue is more important now the one that refers to extend opportunity of obtaining employment. Facts witness and present many examples.With the advent of 21 century,  nowaday society is full of intense interpersonal rival and changes so fast cause more and more people lose their work and just stay at home.So it is obvious important to build a large factory near community.Not only let people get opportunity of obtaining employment ,but also promote development of local economy.This is one of the advantages why build a large factory.Do not you think these example quoted above are very persuasive?

Offering revenue is another head and the chief reason that i have chosen to put here.It is no better illustration that can demostrate the view. The another advantage is that the factory can offer revenue to local government after it got proceeds.
Then the government employs these money to improve local community service and make people feel how important building a large factory near community is.If you can see that , you can understand it more deeply.

Superior as building a large factory near community is, however,It also has own disadvantage.Such as: make community more and more noisy and pollute entironment of community etc. Nevertheless,the advantages of building a large factory near community can carry more weight than disadvantages of its.So the most striking conclusion is obvious.

To sum up,given the reasons discussed above,which sometimes intertwines to form an organic whole and thus become more persuasive,we can safely support building a large factory near our community.In fact ,not only build a large factory near our community, but also large-scale build factorys as many as possible.
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86
If you could go back to some time and place in the past,when and where would you go? why? Use specific reasons and detail to support your choice.


If we could go back to some time and place in the past, when and where would we go? Different people have different choices.If i were faced with this issue, i would go back my hometown of childhood, Qin huangdao. In the following discussion,i would like to reason and provide to support my viewpoint.

No issue is more important now than the one that refers to go back hometown to find the best friend of childhood.Facts witness and present many examples.During a childhood,we may go to anywhere with best friend for fun as a free bird and do not need think about anything for life and future. I clearly recalled those settings that played with my best friend wang shuang, then we can get a lot of fun from  assembling building block,by bicyle and swimming etc.However now both of us have already been adult, we never went back to childhood and have to face kind of strong pressure from society and undertake a lot of responsibility.But fortunately ,i knew a new friend dingding in OTTAWA whose she is a distinctive girl.She alway has been giving me some substantial help and ever encouraging me when i faced with difficulty.Don't you think the examples quoted above are very persuasive?

Scenic spot is another head and the chief reason that i have chosen to put here.there is no better can illstration that demonstrate these view.During my childhood ,There are a lot of scenic spots in my hometown,for instance: great wall,archaic building and so on. We can visit these scenic spot and acquire a lot of histroy knowledge.But with the advent of 21 century, more and more scenic spot is demolished by people. Therefore, the government begins to take into account development of tour and spends lot of money restoring these scenic spots for appealing to vistors who want to visit my hometown. If you can see that, you can understand it more deeply.

There are some reaon why i want to go back my hometown is that i can eat best delicious snack. For example: hot pot,cluster of yang rou chuan,sea food and barbecue etc. Anyway,i can get a lot of fun in my hometown. It can carries more weight than goes to other places.so the most striking conclusion is obvious.

To sum up,given the reason discussed above ,which sometimes intertwines to form an organic whole and thus become more persuasive, this is why i go back hometown of childhood.In fact ,going back hometown is not only interesting ,but also gives us impressively recalling.
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118
Some people enjoy change, and they look forward to new experiences. Other like their lives to stay the same, and they do not change their usual habits.Compare these two approaches to life.Which approach do you prefer? Explain why.

There are some people who enjoy change and look forward to new experiences.Others like their lives to stay the same, and do not change their usual habits. If i were faced with these two approaches to life. I would prefer former.In the following discussion, i would like to reason and provide evidence to support my viewpoint.

No issue is more important now the one that refers to acquire knowledge of background from different culture and habit.We have to change and look forward to new experiences for more easily interpersonal communicating.Facts witness and present many examples.As people invest to put up companys at some places, it is indispensable to the first know local background of culture and habit.By this way, not only can we learn more culture and habit,but also we can success more easier than those people do not change their usual habit. With the successful enterprise can let more people get opporunity of obtaining employment and promote development of economy and society.Do not you think these examples quoted above are very persuasive.

Making a lot of friends is another head and the chief reason that i have chosen to put here. It is no better illustration that demonstrate the view. Friend is the first people who can give you substaintial help,when you encounter hazard and troubles.As my friend ada whose i in canada knew, she  has been encouraging and helping me modify my compositions all along as well as i am galvanized by her encourage to hard work and making me see some hopes for passing TOEFL early.Other than encourage and help, making a lot of friends can bring us lots of fun and happy.For example: go to travel,ski and swimming with friend etc.If you can see that, you can understand it more deeply.

There are other reasons for changing and looking forward to new experiences,such as learning english better,having a more comfortable job and life,getting much more experience, doing the bigger business.This is the reason why most people want to go abroad to study and change and get new experiences.So the advantage of changing and looking for farward to new experience carries more weight than advantage of staying the same and what do not change their usual habits.The most striking conclusion is obvious.

To sum up,given the discussion above,which sometimes intertwine to form an organic whole and thus become  more persuasive,we can safely agree that some people enjor change and look forward to new experiences.[/center]

llllll82

面对双眼充满对真理渴望的TOEFLer,  我们的各位责任感极强的斑竹们一定会义不容辞的吧。

kevinlee

牛人们，能帮俺修改一下作文吗？
感激不尽啊！

llllll82

偶作文最高也就是得到0.9+0.9+0.9+0.9+0.9 分，  还是让5分以上的大小牛们来show一下吧， 估计斑竹们早就蠢蠢欲动（？）了， 不过先要考验一下楼主的耐心。

kevinlee

我等，我等，我等斑竹给我修改。不过现在我每天都写一片作文，照着阳下去的话，作文越来越多，不知道斑竹是否有时间给我修改呢? 嗨````````。真希望斑竹一天能给我改一篇作文阿那我可就爽了啊

enjoylife517

呵呵，改作文可真是挺有挑战意味的工作，偶把你的作文下载下来了，试试给你改改。不过偶们斑竹也不是大牛，看看其他大牛的手笔，呵呵

kevinlee

以下是引用enjoylife517在2004-2-7 7:51:00的发言：
呵呵，改作文可真是挺有挑战意味的工作，偶把你的作文下载下来了，试试给你改改。不过偶们斑竹也不是大牛，看看其他大牛的手笔，呵呵

感谢斑竹了。让您费心了。真是让我感动啊

晔子

lenny...哎~~佩服。。。
偶才拿了4分就不耽误你了。。。

enjoylife517

三个文章都看了下，觉得特点差不多，所以就第一篇我们讨论一下。
关于结构段落及标点拼写：标点符号后面空格，首字母大写。对于词的运用，尽量用自己熟悉的词及其用法，减少语法错误。可能的话，多用些同义词的变化，名词也好，连词也好。段落结构基本也就是这样了，5段就可以了，也有足够的字可以打。但不能留下模板痕迹太明显的效果，所以有了理由，展开还是挺重要的。

5  a company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near your community. discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new influence on your community. do you support or oppose the factory? explain your position.

a company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near your community. different people have different opinion. if i faced with this issue, i would support building a large factory near community. in the following discussion, i would like to reason of advantages and disadvantages of this new influence on my community and provide evidence to support my viewpoint.
建议第一句尽量改写原文，不要照抄，可以用一些问句呀什么的，变化一下形式。建议把if I。。改成when I, 或者是能把人称改掉，以显得客观，比如：in the last analysis, in the close eexamination, deeply estimation, 之类的东东

Whether a company build a large factory near my community is beneficial? Different people may hold different opinions. When I face this issue, I would support to build a large factory near the community. In the following discussion, I would like to reason the advantages and disadvantages of this new influence on my community and provide evidence to support my viewpoint.

no issue is more important now the one that refers to extend opportunity of obtaining employment. facts witness and present many examples.with the advent of 21 century,  nowaday society is full of intense interpersonal rival and changes so fast cause more and more people lose their work and just stay at home.so it is obvious important to build a large factory near community.not only let people get opportunity of obtaining employment ,but also promote development of local economy.this is one of the advantages why build a large factory.do not you think these example quoted above are very persuasive?

觉得这段还可以，就是避免象最后一句比较口语化的文字，建议不要用。词的使用建议能有变化，比如，employment, job, work等等。

No issue is more important now than the one that refers to extend opportunities of obtaining employment. Facts witness and present many examples. With the advent of 21st century, nowadays society is full of intensive interpersonal rivals and fast changes cause more and more people lose their work and just stay at home. Obviously，it is important to build a large factory near the community. Such issue will not only let people get opportunities to obtain jobs, but also promote developments of local economy. This is one of the advantages why build a large factory nearby and very persuasive.

offering revenue is another head and the chief reason that i have chosen to put here.it is no better illustration that can demostrate the view. the another advantage is that the factory can offer revenue to local government after it got proceeds. then the government employs these money to improve local community service and make people feel how important building a large factory near community is.if you can see that , you can understand it more deeply.
这一段觉得没有发挥好。因为理由太笼统，太大了不好写。关于第一句的模板使用，要求还是挺高的，并不是说每个人都能那样总结一个动名词短语，个人建议，如果不是很有把握，其实怎么想就怎么写比较合适，简单加上连接词就可以。因为结构OK就行了，不一定要多花哨，倒是理由的展开，让人觉得丰富才好。还有，最后一句比较口语化，建议不要那么写，或者说删了比较好。

Offering revenue is another head and the chief reason that I have chosen to put here. There is no better illustration that can demonstrate the view. The factory can offer revenue to the local government after it gets proceeds. The government can employs that money to improve local community service in many ways. People will realize how important building a large factory nearby is.

建议：可以再列举一下其他理由，比如：increase people’s standard of living in some degree. Shops, restaurants, even hospital, new bus stop will be built up. Building such a factory brings much convenience. Blablabla…

superior as building a large factory near community is, however,it also has own disadvantage.such as: make community more and more noisy and pollute entironment of community etc. nevertheless,the advantages of building a large factory near community can carry more weight than disadvantages of its.so the most striking conclusion is obvious.

Superior as building a large factory near community, however, also has its own disadvantages, such as make community more and more noisy, pollute environment of community, and so on. Nevertheless, the advantages of doing so can carry more weight than its disadvantages. So the most striking conclusion is obvious.

to sum up,given the reasons discussed above,which sometimes intertwines to form an organic whole and thus become more persuasive,we can safely support building a large factory near our community.in fact ,not only build a large factory near our community, but also large-scale build factorys as many as possible.
个人觉得这段前面也没有什么，结尾这句比较关键。觉得原来那句有点牵强附会，纯粹是凑，甚至有点过分了。其实我觉得有几个选择，可以是：把上面的理由罗列一下，强调；提出改善、进一步的建议，to do/be so，we should ...；而不是机械的表达多的含义。

To sum up, given the reasons discussed above, which sometimes intertwines to form an organic whole and thus become more persuasive, we can safely come to the conclusion that building a large factory near our community is valuable. In fact, the factory will not only improve the condition of the community, but also benefit for the whole society.


再次申明，偶也不是什么牛人，偶的看法大家一起讨论。个人推荐那个185篇，很有价值，还有，最好根据自己的特点总结一个模板，不要硬套，有些估计用的都是看不懂的句式，对作文没有好处。

李逍遥

向斑竹致敬，改作文类似献血工程，好无私啊！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！

敬佩！！！！！！