在西班牙孤身作战,请大家帮忙狠批作文

84幕楠

大家好,本人现在西班牙,因为申请需要打算10考IBT.现在正在复习中,因为我们这好象基本没有中国同学要考也没有人有在西班牙考的经验,孤身作战挺痛苦.感谢大牛,对我帮助不少.现在发一篇185WT的作文,我写的,觉得有点和其他的范文不一样,请大家多多帮助,狠狠的批,本人在这先谢啦!

You have enough money to purchase either a house or a business. Which would you choose to buy? Give specific reasons to explain your choice.

Although  I am sure that my parents will suggest me strongly to buy a house for a  peaceful and stable life, as a person born in the  80th of China,what I would like to chose is definitely purchasing a business with the money.Because ,for me now, the most  important  thing is not having a life stable and peaceful like doing Thaichi.To find the value of myself by uninterruptied trying an discovering is what  I am eager to do.

First and foremost, as a person born in the 80th of China, I don't like to take my life in the same way as my parents and their generation have done.China has a enormous chaning from 1980 and in my eyes all the things are chaning  everyday.For instance , when  I was a kid,the hightest bulding of the city where I lived  was just 12 floors  and after less 10 years ,we have  hundreds of buldings are more than 30 floors.For me ,chaning means you will have a new height to see the world ,a new way to think life and a new chance to find out youself.

Sencondly, running a company and making it  like Microsoft and Ford is my dream. I read a lot of stories about those famous manegments and CEOS who found the values of their lives during making their dreams became true and in the same time they changed the whole world.But unfortunately ,there is no one chinese, I am encourged by it and hope one day , I could creat a huge compay by myself and  change the world just like what they have done.

Furthermore,doing business is not only  a chance to make more money for earning a good life ,but also to study during running it.As a young person,what I don't have enough is the experience of life that ties my feet to get more opportunities .Running business will let me meet lots of people and things and I will get a lot of experience during it
.
Life is short .For me a wonderful life is not just living in my own house , staying in my bed  and watching myself becaming fatter and older day after day ,what I am looking for is a voyage with big waves and huge storms. The new contient always comes after the waves and storms, so I will  purchase a business with my money to find my new contient.

按时的asd

写的不错啊，本人非牛人

在西班牙为什么要考托福？？？

84幕楠

谢谢顶贴!!以后请多指教

德克的猪

    

Although I am
sure that my parents will strongly suggest me to buy a house for a peaceful and
stable life, as a person born in the  80th of China, what I would like to
chose is definitely purchasing a business with the money(这个句子杂糅了，因为你使用了as a person born in 1980s<生于八十年代与不买房子没有太大的逻辑联系，阅卷人也不知道你的国家在八十年代的时代背景，还有就是，我建议写作文不要暴露自己的国籍>，就意味着接下来的主语应该是I，而不是what I would
like to chose。写作文并非是句子越长越好，如果不能用长句有效清晰的表达，就用短句陈述便是了。还有就是house和stable life之间有逻辑的跳跃，你写作时需设想老外是很笨的，所以逻辑上最好要严密。If my conservative
parents, instead of me, have enough money, they will most probably purchase a
house for its stable price and potential increase in value. But I am young,
uncertain, and eager to realize my goal of becoming successful in the business
world). Because
,for me now, the most  important  thing is not having a life stable
and peaceful like doing Thaichi. To find the value of myself by
uninterruptied(你这个单词打错了，可以用continuous/successional) trying an discovering is
what I am eager to do(这个句子又比较紊乱，承接上文的我写的，这里可以写为：A house will
not help realize my goal, but a business will.开头需要清晰而有力。你写的开头逻辑上有跳跃，且比较拖沓，说了一些实际意义不大的话。从你整体的行文来看，你是要从你自己的角度来写为什么purchase a
business。但实际上这样写是比较有难度的，你其实是可以单就buy a business和buy a house之间的优劣来讲，而不需要把自己太多牵扯进去，这样来写或许就好写一些。).(在句号，逗号之后需要加空格)

    

First and
foremost(如果你要用I来开头，而且还有个born in 1980s，我觉得就没有first and
foremost的必要了。还有就是在新东方一本写作书上有提到first and foremost并不适合拿来写作文。), as a person born in the 80th of China(不要用同样的句子重复同样的内容), I don't(正式写作中这样的连写都需要拆开) like to take my life in
the same way my parents and their generation have done(撇开这个句子本身的语法错误不谈，老外如何知道你父辈们的生活是怎样？如果你这里不对你父辈的way做出一个解释，读者就无法理解你的意思。写作文切忌想当然。如果你对你父辈的way可以做出解释，这个句子可以写作：I will not
choose to live a modest life as my parents’ generation did.). China has a enormous
chaning from 1980 and in my eyes all the things are chaning  everyday.For
instance , when  I was a kid,the hightest bulding of the city where I
lived  was just 12 floors  and after less 10 years ,we have 
hundreds of buldings are more than 30 floors.For me ,chaning means you will
have a new height to see the world ,a new way to think life and a new chance to
find out youself(撇开输入的错误不谈，这段和business的联系太不明显，而这又是一个单独的段落，在一个单独的段落里边，必须要有和主题密切相关的内容，这是TOEFL的作文，不能够用大段来铺垫，因为这样会直接影响表达的效率).

84幕楠

跪谢版主,真是受益非浅啊!!!以后有机会定当面答谢

84幕楠

跪谢版主,真是受益非浅啊!!!以后有机会定当面答谢