麻烦大家帮我改改作文，三战了，不知道怎么才能写出ETS要求的

balletice

麻烦大家帮我改改作文，三战了，不知道怎么才能写出ETS要求的

上次考作文，本来相当有信心，但只有fair, 想了很久，觉得是说的不够细节，模板占了太多。虽然有400多字，但模板就有130多字左右。那是我考G的一个模板，但G的作文可以写到600多字，因此还有400多字的实质内容。而托福只有400字，意味着就只有200多的实质内容。可能这样才只有fair 吧。麻烦大家改改，不知道是不是现在的写法能够让ETS满意了。
High salary or happy work
It always becomes a dilemma when it comes to the situation to choose between working for high salary and for happiness. Someone may focus on high salary on the basis that money is the foundation of happy life. It might be tempting to agree with the opinion, but  it omits the reality that high earnings do not equal to good life.

One compelling reason in favor of interest has to do with the factor that job with high salary tend to be work under pressure. Hardly can a person earn a high salary just have a very easy job, which will not occupy much of your time. On the contrary, if you want to get a high wage, you have to work very hardly, devote most of your free time into it, stay up  very late in the office almost every night. In that sense, you have to sacrifice the time you should spend with your family and friends. More seriously, you may have to sacrifice your health. Recently, according to a statistic report of a consulting cooperation, people who work under intensive pressure live 5 years shorter than ordinary people.  

Another compelling reason in favor of interest has involved that only a person working according to his interest will do a job more efficiently. It is impossible to compel a person work with passion if he just work for money. This is also a disaster for the firm in turn. For instance, one of my sister tend to do academic work in a university, but unfortunately, she found a job in a large bank in respect to her parents' willing. You can imagine how difficult and unhappy for her every day. Now, she is in a trouble being fired by the bank as a result for her mediocre performance. As the reasons and analysis discussed above, it is not wise to choose a job just for the high salary.

However, it does not mean that one should always pursue a job for his interest and we should not turn a blind eye to some special situation and some special stage of an adult. Actually, sometimes we should more practical, especially when it comes to the situation that you are a graduate students who come to a totally new environment. The most important thing for you is to earn enough money to support daily life. The money you earned has to cover the fee of renting a house, transportation fees and supporting your parents, who can not work due to their age.  

To sum up, one should take into account his interest and situation the same time when he want to find a good job. But at the end, I believe enthusiasm is the most important for the standard of your life and the efficiency of your job.

Word Count: 466

balletice

字太小了，重发一遍啊

High salary or happy work

It always becomes a dilemma when it comes to the situation to choose between working for high salary and for happiness. Someone may focus on high salary on the basis that money is the foundation of happy life. It might be tempting to agree with the opinion, but  it omits the reality that high earnings do not equal to good life.

One compelling reason in favor of interest has to do with the factor that job with high salary tend to be work under pressure. Hardly can a person earn a high salary just have a very easy job, which will not occupy much of your time. On the contrary, if you want to get a high wage, you have to work very hardly, devote most of your free time into it, stay up  very late in the office almost every night. In that sense, you have to sacrifice the time you should spend with your family and friends. More seriously, you may have to sacrifice your health. Recently, according to a statistic report of a consulting cooperation, people who work under intensive pressure live 5 years shorter than ordinary people.  

Another compelling reason in favor of interest has involved that only a person working according to his interest will do a job more efficiently. It is impossible to compel a person work with passion if he just work for money. This is also a disaster for the firm in turn. For instance, one of my sister tend to do academic work in a university, but unfortunately, she found a job in a large bank in respect to her parents' willing. You can imagine how difficult and unhappy for her every day. Now, she is in a trouble being fired by the bank as a result for her mediocre performance. As the reasons and analysis discussed above, it is not wise to choose a job just for the high salary.

However, it does not mean that one should always pursue a job for his interest and we should not turn a blind eye to some special situation and some special stage of an adult. Actually, sometimes we should more practical, especially when it comes to the situation that you are a graduate students who come to a totally new environment. The most important thing for you is to earn enough money to support daily life. The money you earned has to cover the fee of renting a house, transportation fees and supporting your parents, who can not work due to their age.  

To sum up, one should take into account his interest and situation the same time when he want to find a good job. But at the end, I believe enthusiasm is the most important for the standard of your life and the efficiency of your job.

Word Count: 466

Bless_all

It often becomes a dilemma when one turns to a choice: working for high salary or for happiness. Assuming that money is the foundation of a happy life, someone may focus on high income when they look for employment. It might be tempting to agree with their opinion. However, they ignore the reality that high earnings do not equal to happy life.

One compelling reason in favor of interest has to do with the factor that a high salary job is always accompanied with high pressures. This means that, compared with others who have a normal income job, you have to spend much more time and energy on your job to earn more. The result is obviously negative. On the one hand, you will have little time to stay with your families and communicate with your friends, hurting even destroying harmonious relationships with them. On the other hand, there is no doubt that long time hard working without relaxation will harm your health eventually. Therefore, it is hard to image that a person without healthy, intimate families and warm hearted friends is enjoying a comfortable life, although he (she) has much money.

At the same time, we perhaps have to consider another factor, the role of interest. A happy vocation will bring you interest, which is beneficial for you to gain achievements in the job. Of course, you will have more opportunities to have a promotion and achieve more. On the contrary, it is nearly impossible for you to do a good job in the position, in which you have no interest at all. In addition, you may feel very suffering because the goal of your is just for money. There is an instance around me to exemplify the idea. One of my sisters tends to do academic research in a university, but unfortunately, she hunted for a job in a large bank in respect to her parents' willing. You can not imagine how difficult and unhappy the job is for her every day. Now, she is getting into a trouble that she may be fired by the company because of her poor performance.

As the reasons and analysis discussed above, it is not wise for us to choose a job just for the high salary. However, it does not mean that one should always pursue a job for his (her) interest and ignore the importance of the income. Money is important for all of us because it affords the cost of life activities, such as clothing, eating and housing. Nevertheless, according to the determinants of a choice for a job, it is inferior to happiness. Therefore, in my opinion, consider the factors that affect the choice for a job: Happiness is the first, and the salary is the second.

460 words

460 words

[此贴子已经被作者于2008-8-1 14:41:03编辑过]

george0264

我个人的感觉，相信你gmat的作文分数应该不错。但是托福我个人感觉还是要八股些。

你的这篇虽有语法错误，但相信不会直接打到fair。我认为你写的有些过于辩证，导致支持观点不够明确。而且与托福高分作文获得者的那种八股结构有些出入，比如每段最后总结，末段重申之类。还有should太多，导致不像议论文，不是去证明论点，倒像说教。总体来说有点中文作文的味道。论坛上有贴，一个作文28分的介绍17分钟300多词的作文，建议你看看。另有一贴，109分的大牛，作文20分，他说写的太high。。。也是可能容易犯这样的失误。不知分析有无道理。仅供参考，欢迎来拍