第三篇，070.汽车对人现代社会的影响。恳请继续拍砖！

urnep

题目， if teachers should be paid based how much the students have learned.

Teachers bear the name of soul engineer of human and always get respected by the people. They play a very important role of cultivating our society and future. They ensure our youth to pick up knowledge, get along with others, and to be a decent one. However, when some others propose that people should get paid by how much the students have learned, I can hardly agree.

First of all, most of students have no favor with studying. If a student addicted himself into a game or ball or net, teachers may take the responsibilities by asking him to explain the reasons, discipline him harshly, force for extra work, chatting with the parents and so on. But if he really doesn’t want to study, all efforts are in vain.

What’s more, students’ qualities have varied from one to another, which also influentially affect the results of the teaching. It’s easy to imagine the great difference between a student who has a IQ of 180 while the other is of 80. So if a teacher accidently happened to come across with the former type of students, he would be lucky enough to get extra paid than the one that unfortunately face the latter type, however diligent he is to take his responsibilities.

And the most important factor I avoid the learned-paid system is that what a student really get is pretty hard to be measured by the test. A test cannot be used to find out some very important things the students have learned, like dealing with emergencies, communicating, getting alone with others. However, these qualities may hold more weigh on those being tested on the paper.

题外，写了297个字，会被扣分吗?不知道应该怎么加……头一次写，实在很头疼。请大家狠狠拍！

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-11-18 23:40:47编辑过]

marinezheng

generally good, but need a conclusion, just as " in summary, i believe..."

pay attention on some details, like "And the most important factor I avoid the learned-paid system is that what a student really get is pretty hard to be measured by the test. A test cannot be used to find out some very important things (qualities) the students have learned, like dealing with emergencies, communicating, getting alone (along) with others. However, these qualities may hold more weigh on (than) those being tested on the paper. "

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-11-11 18:51:22编辑过]

urnep

Thanks very much, I get the point. Also thanks for the kind comments, actually I know this one is quite naive and full of errors.

 I will make some revisements and preparing for the next!

urnep

015 Qualities of a good neighbor

           After graduating from the university, I get a job in Shanghai which is far away from my hometown. Moving into a small apartment of 16th story, people who live nearest are no longer my family members, but the neighbors. Generally, I prefer to living with people who are respectful, kindhearted and considerable.

          The foundation of human relationship is mutual respect,also the neighborhood. When I was in the college, I unfortunately came across a roommate who was enthusiastic with stabbing at others’ privacy. No matter books, letters, e-mails, blogs or dairies, she could just treat our properties as her own. Maybe the worse thing was that she would spread the “news” as a pleasure. Though we three tried to negotiate with her many ways, she just never constrained her “curiosity”. Affected by the shade of my college life, a good neighbor must have a relatively deep understanding about respect.

            Next, a good neighbor should be also a kindhearted person. Such a person is willing to help others who are trapped into some problems. While living alone, nobody will remind you of supplementing the rice, vegetables or meat. When you return home, hope to make a simple but comfortable meal, only find an empty refrigerator, things like that are quite tough. With a kindhearted neighbor, he would offer you the groceries in his refrigerator, and may even help you to prepare the dinner!

It’s also important that the neighbor is considerable. 99 out of 100 of people want to live in a tranquil and quiet environment. However, some neighbors play the rock day and night just as they like. With the exhaust of a day’s work, what I only want to do is to relax, like reading some fictions, listening some soft music without any noises.

            Neighbors are not members of our family, so we cannot request them too much. But the basic factors of a harmonious environment to live remain the same. Neighbors who are respectful, kindhearted and considerable contribute a lot to help us get a much happier life.

加上这个呢？

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-11-13 16:41:27编辑过]

zhgy1920

第二片没有主题句，第一论点的topic sentence 与neighbor 无关

urnep

写这篇的时候考虑了还有一篇关于roommate，想一次搞定俩，想了很久的例子，句法，还是不得要领！特别是关于TC的写法，简单了觉得不够，复杂的句式又写不出，极度恼火

谢谢LS的建议

urnep

The impact of automobile in our life, in general, is undeniable. It penetrates into every aspect of our life. Today we can hardly do anything without automobiles, even to buy some vegetables also needs to take a bus or something alike to get to the market. There are both advantages and disadvantages as the automobiles place such a very role in our life.

With automobiles, we gain the opportunities to have more entertainment. It’s hard to image 50 years ago that we can now drive cars to somewhere 50 miles away to have a camp or picnic or something else in the weekend, and return in the same day. Automobiles change totally both the space and time concept in our minds. Thus, it also changes a lot of our lifestyle. People who may just stay at home in the vocations because of the poor transportation, now can have other selections such as driving to the beaches, or taking a bus to the park which locates in the periphery of the city.

Automobiles also contribute a lot to the development of the nation. Cargos rush into countries, bring about the commodities there people need, and transport products, like crops, meat, out to the cities. As a result, the cities and countries become a whole unity. And the same thing occurs among the cities. The spread of automobiles not just improve the economics in local places, but the whole nation.

However, automobiles do cause some problems. As the quantities of automobiles grown at such a high speed, the air pollution they produce becomes more and more serious. You can even smell the smoke when you walk on the street of Shanghai. Moreover, large amount of the automobiles raise the serious traffic jams in the city. In order to get to work on time, people have to drive to their workplace one or more hour before their work time, due to the heavy traffic jams that may occur on the road.

In conclusion, automobiles have contributed a lot to our modern society---- both the people and the whole, nation while they also raise up problems we have never faced up. And undoubtedly they will continue to play an important role in our future life. So what is ultimate now is taking effective actions to prevent the disastrous outcome.

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-11-18 23:42:17编辑过]

lisy

015 Qualities of a good neighbor

           After graduating from the university, I got a job in Shanghai
        where is far away from my hometown. Moving into a small apartment of 16th story(你想表达你的apartment在16层？) , people(逗号前面的修饰语的主语是你，不是people，所以不和语法，请修改) who live nearest  to me are no longer my family members, but the neighbors. Generally, I prefer to living with people who are respectful, kindhearted and considerable.

          The foundation of human relationship is mutual respect, also the neighborhood. When I was in the college, I unfortunately came across a roommate who was enthusiastic with stabbing at others’ privacy. No matter（请修改） books, letters, e-mails, blogs or dairies, she treated our properties as what her owns. Moreover the worst thing was that she considered spreading out the “news” as a pleasure. Though we three tried to negotiate? with her many ways, she just never constrained her “curiosity”. Affected by the shade of my college life, I deem(affected的主语应该是I，所以要补充完整) a good neighbor must have a relatively deep understanding about respect.

            Next, a good neighbor should also be a kindhearted person. Such a person is willing to help others who are trapped into problems. While living alone, nobody will remind you of supplementing the rice, vegetables or meat. When you get home, hoping(和find不是并列关系的话就要做修饰语，不能用原型) to make a simple but comfortable meal,  find an empty refrigerator. Situations like that are quite tough to handle. If you happened to live with a kindhearted neighbor who（主语混乱，所以修改） would offer you some(the是特指，前面有出现过才用) groceries in his refrigerator（多余）and may even help you to prepare the dinner.

It’s also important that the neighbor is considerable. 99 out of 100 of people want to live in a tranquil and quiet environment. However, some neighbors play the rock music whenever they like day and night just as they like. With the Exhausted
        from one day’s work, what I want to do is nothing but relaxing
        such as reading some fictions,  listening to
        some soft music instead of loud rock music(前后呼应).

            Neighbors are not members of our family, so we cannot request them too much. But(试试用其他的关联词，不要用but) the basic factors of a harmonious environment for living remain the same through the history. Neighbors who are respectful, kindhearted and considerable contribute a lot to help us get a much happier life.

除了结构，你的句子我大概看了一下，改了一下。我也不是很会写，希望我们通过互相修改的过程共同进步

lisy

The impact of automobile in our life, in general, is undeniable. It penetrates into every aspect of our life. Today we can hardly do anything without automobiles, even to buying some vegetables also(多余) needs to take a bus or something alike other vehicle to get to the market. There are both advantages and disadvantages as the automobiles place such a very role in our life.

With automobiles, we gain the opportunities to have more entertainment. 50 years ago it’s hard to image 50 years ago that now we can now drive cars to somewhere 50 miles away to have a camp, picnic or something else on the weekend( ‘in the weekend’ is not wrong but not wide used in American English), and
            then return in
            at the same day. Automobiles change totally(请注意形容词修饰的位置，这里放在句末比较合适) both the space and time concept in our minds. Thus, it also changes(你前面用的是复数，这里是单数，不统一) a lot of our lifestyles. People who may just used to stay at home in during the vocations because of the poor transportation, now can have other selections such as driving to the beaches, or taking a bus to the park which located(保持语言的简洁) in the periphery（你是不是想表达rural area？） of the city.

Automobiles also contribute a lot（文中出现过几次了，请考虑替换，比如用great, significant） to the development of the nations(这里不用特指). Cargos rush into(请注意你的介词使用) countries, bring about (‘bring about’ means make something happen)the commodities there people need, and transport products, like crops, meat, out to the cities（前面你用countries,和这里就不呼应了）. As a result, the cities and countries（我想你想表达城市和农村的货物交流，可以用urban and rural area） become a whole union. And the same thing(口语这么说可以，written English不能老用thing) occurs in the cities. The spread of automobiles not just improve the economics not just in local places area, but in (这个介词不能省) the whole nation.

However, automobiles do cause some problems. As the quantity of automobiles grows at such a high speed, the air pollution they produce
            cause becomes more and more serious. You can even smell the smoke when you walk on the street of Shanghai. Moreover, large amount of the automobiles raise the serious traffic jams in the city. In order to get to work on time, Due to the heavy traffic jams that may occur on the road, people have to leave their home drive to their workplace one or more hours
            earlier than
            before their work time to get to work on time, due to the heavy traffic jams that may occur on the road.

In conclusion, automobiles have contributed a lot to our modern society---- both to the people and to the whole, nation while they also raise up problems we have never faced before
            up. And Undoubtedly they will continue to play an important role in our future life. So what is ultimate now is taking effective actions to prevent the disastrous outcome(这句有点怪)

请注意修饰语的位置还有介词的使用

urnep

嗯，the 16th story 是想表达第十六楼的意思。之前听力听到的这个意思

真的是太感谢了。这次的作文硬是用一个小时写出来的，还是觉得用句法的时候不是很得要领，看了你的标注以后真是非常有启发。

太感谢了，真的！

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-11-19 21:50:32编辑过]