[求助]第二篇练习文章,求改!

hys17

TWE 1,在你家附近建一个大饭店，同意还是反对

Building a new restaurant would be incredibly exciting for me and my neighborhood because we have been expecting for this for a long time.

Building the new restaurant will bring us much more convenience that we expected all the time. In the past, we have to drive or take a taxi to downtown which takes more than 1 hour to go to a restaurant for meeting friends or eating with family. This will cost much more time during Thanks Giving, Christmas or any other holidays because of the traffic jam. Sometimes we go out much earlier but still couldn’t get arrived on time. One time I was going to have dinner with my boss and discuss something about our project. That was a big day because I was stuck in the traffic for 3 hours and my boss got so anger that cost me more than 1 hour to apologize. Therefore, with building of this new restaurant, we will no longer have such awkward story.

A new restaurant will also expedite the commerce around our community. As it used to be, our community has merely few stores and don’t have even 1 supermarket. Every time we try to buy the whole stuff for our Christmas party or such parties, we have to spend a lot of time on the way over as I mentioned before. In addition, it is quite hard to find a job here, so we also have to travel 5 miles away for work every day. Children have lack of sleeping time and couldn’t get attention on class. Adults don’t sleep well and couldn’t get their job down well. A new restaurant is built, meanwhile we will have a better commercial circumstance, so we will have more opportunities to get a job.

On the other hand, building a big restaurant will cause more air pollution, so we won’t breath the fresh and clean air that it used to be. But it couldn’t compare the advantages that building a restaurant would bring us. Plus, as we all realize that nature is the most important thing for human to keep, people who recently built restaurants have already considered of the effect that it may cause. So they did some efficient work to lower the effect to the environment.

Current people couldn’t’ live without the restaurant. It gives them the food that they could not get done in home and also give them a nice place to meeting with people for a exhilarating conversation. Building one will fulfill our needs for living because it will be much more convenience, which is one of the most important thing of modern world.

这是第二篇练习的写作，整个时间在40分钟左右，还有一个多月就考了，请大家尽情提意见，尤其是结构、论述方面的问题，谢谢！

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-11-3 0:10:26编辑过]

alexwithibt

整体感觉还行. 在例子的取舍上在多想想.

我改了第2段.

Building the new restaurant will bring us much more convenience that we expected all the time. In the past, we have to drive or take a taxi to downtown which takes more than 1 hour to go to a restaurant for meeting friends or eating with family. This will cost much more time during Thanks Giving, Christmas or any other holidays because of the traffic jam. Sometimes we go out much earlier but still couldn’t get arrived on time. One time I was going to have dinner with my boss and discuss something about our project. That was a big day because I was stuck in the traffic for 3 hours and my boss got so anger that cost me more than 1 hour to apologize. Therefore, with building of this new restaurant, we will no longer have such awkward story.

 

A restaurant will absolutely allow us live conveniently and efficiently. In the past, every weekend, after suffering traffic jam and driving 3 hours on road to downtown, we have to wander around to hunt a relatively satisfied restaurant merely for a dinner together with my family. The nightmare experience is so boredom that there is nothing preventing us to look forward to be a restaurant erected near my living area. If a new restaurant is build up, what an exciting is that we may go out dinner in the new restaurant everyday, enjoy the cozy and warm atmosphere that restaurant provides! In addition, as a business profession, I might readily invite my clients or my boss to the bar in the restaurant to deeply strengthen communicating relationship. I never forget embarrassed event that I was going to have dinner with my clients to discuss a crucial project that I have struggled for 2 months. I ultimately lost that chance just because I was stuck in the traffic for 5 hours and the restaurant’ door closed when I was there. Hence, I believe that, if a restaurant is in my living town, that awkward story never occurs on me

hys17

非常感谢楼上的朋友,你改的真是太好了,我想问一下在写这种作文的时候是否个人感情强烈一些更好呢

还有,其实你改的这些段落上的词汇我都知道,但是总是因为不确定用法而不敢用,那么考试的时候在不确定的好句子和确定的很一般的句子中如何取舍呢?换句话说ETS更重视哪一方面?

我的叙述有没有什么语法错误?

谢谢

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-11-3 15:31:40编辑过]

alexwithibt

"语法错误", 注意一下不要犯大的低级的错误就可以了. 作文又不是考语法. 不用细扣特孰的语法.

关于词汇,你看看德克总结的那文章. 对你会有帮助.

加油哈.

hys17

非常感谢,我找找看