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[求助]光棍赶考,处女作求拍!!!

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楼主
发表于 2007-11-2 22:27:00 | 只看该作者

[求助]光棍赶考,处女作求拍!!!

写了好久啊,请大家给点意见,还有评分~谢谢拉

Agree or disagree

Subjects such as Art, music and drama should be a part of every child’s basic education.

 

Nowadays, more and more schools tend to cut their art, music and drama lessons out, their reason for this is the cut would let children focus more on the main classes such as mathmatics. I don’t agree this view, I consider that Basic subjects are necessary for children to sudy.

 

First of all, if we do not contact with something, we would never know we maight have talent about it. It is said, if children did not receive a wide range of basic education, they would be confused to find out what they really interested in.  for example, lily, a cute girl who is my neighbor, can play piano quite well since she first have leart to play in her music class. She told me, “playing piano is fantastic to me, I can practice for hours but not feel tired!” so, from lily, we can conclude that, providing basic classes is a way for people to find out their interest and it is very necessary.

 

Secondly, subject such as art, music and drama can bring us the tast that shoud be foster from childhood of beauty. It is really meaningful for us to be social citizens. It is difficult to image that there is no people can understand the charming places in music, art or drama but just the ones work hard with machines. For me, I can not bear men like that, and the reason I break up my last boyfirend is he always rufute my invention to listen to a concert. So, basic education is really important to color our life and make us more interesting.

 

Finally, our daily life is excellent benefit from the basic education we’ve learnt when we were young. When you make friends, both yourself and your firend may feel perfect if you both leartnt the same song in your kindergarten. When you want to teach your child something, you will be lighted from your basic eduction experience. And if you are a curious child, you would get whatever you want from the classes which is more convinence than search for yourself. See, the benefit is great!

 

In sum, basic education brings us so many things, such as let us know our interests, foster our tast of beauty and benefit our daily life. All the things indicate that basic education is too importent to be ignore.

 

沙发
发表于 2007-11-3 00:02:00 | 只看该作者

第1/2段可以再改一改. 2段换个例子说. 你这个例子感觉很苍白.


[此贴子已经被作者于2007-11-3 0:03:22编辑过]
板凳
发表于 2007-11-3 10:02:00 | 只看该作者

首先祝贺,写得非常不错!

有几个小问题,第一段在你给出你的观点后,需要稍微概括一下你的分论点,动名词即刻,这样显得你logical.第二,其实一篇文章两个分论点已够,不用非要想出三个论点,但是这两个论点必须充分展开,靠什么?例子,详细地例子!老美式最喜欢看例子的,特别是T的RATER.你的第一个分论点的例子就非常好,keep doing like that

打分:4.5

地板
发表于 2007-11-3 11:27:00 | 只看该作者

别的都不错,就是注意一些小的语法错误,比如名词和动词别混用,还有两个独立句子之间要有连词.

第4段写的很不错,有笑来的风格,嘿

5#
 楼主| 发表于 2007-11-3 13:02:00 | 只看该作者
以下是引用alexwithibt在2007-11-3 0:02:00的发言:

第1/2段可以再改一改. 2段换个例子说. 你这个例子感觉很苍白.


谢谢指点~~我再改改

6#
 楼主| 发表于 2007-11-3 13:12:00 | 只看该作者
以下是引用aeromouse在2007-11-3 10:02:00的发言:

首先祝贺,写得非常不错!

有几个小问题,第一段在你给出你的观点后,需要稍微概括一下你的分论点,动名词即刻,这样显得你logical.第二,其实一篇文章两个分论点已够,不用非要想出三个论点,但是这两个论点必须充分展开,靠什么?例子,详细地例子!老美式最喜欢看例子的,特别是T的RATER.你的第一个分论点的例子就非常好,keep doing like that

打分:4.5

首先谢谢aeromouse的鼓励!!
    

第一段以后会尝试MAP,我一般是写第一点的时候才知道第二点要写什么,看来还是准备不够啊,呆会要看前人的提纲,把185的VIEW搞定先

另外,谢谢areomouse指出我欠缺详细的例子,不能把事情讲清楚的毛病~~~~

keep writing~~~欢迎大家狠拍~~~~

7#
 楼主| 发表于 2007-11-3 13:22:00 | 只看该作者
以下是引用菊花刀在2007-11-3 11:27:00的发言:

别的都不错,就是注意一些小的语法错误,比如名词和动词别混用,还有两个独立句子之间要有连词.

第4段写的很不错,有笑来的风格,嘿

菊花MM说的是,我以后一定注意~~!!语法啊语法~~

还有MM所说的笑来风格是不是就是李笑来范文?我没有看到有下啊,说是版权问题,MM如果有的话能不能发我邮箱?

yoyo_tiger(@) 126.C0M 谢谢拉~~

8#
 楼主| 发表于 2007-11-4 08:49:00 | 只看该作者
顶上去~~
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