TWE181，刚写的作文，求拍～ （写文章25min，修改30min，没用模版）

lazymadge

181. In your country, is there more need for land to be left in its natural condition

 or is there more need for land to be developed for housing and industry?

 

Twenty years before, there was a beautiful forest in my hometown. It was home to numerous species of plants and wildlife. Children there used to find delicious wild fruits in the forest in summer days. It is the forest that carried impressive memories of many people like me. However, in recent years, a large number of trees were cut down for the building of cities. As a result, the forest is becoming smaller and smaller gradually. Plants are disappearing and wild animals are leaving to find other shelters. A beautiful and active forest has been a depressed area. So you can see how severe the result is. Frankly speaking, as far as I am concerned, exploiting land for housing and industry will bring lots of harmful effects on local environment. It is needed for our country to leave land in its natural condition.

 

 

However, this opinion often is challenged by many people, who always focus on the seemingly positive effects such as earning much more money by selling land but neglect the intrinsic harmful influence like the destroy of ecosystem. Nothing is waste in nature. Birds, beasts and plants play an extreme role in keeping the balance of ecosystem. Destroy of ecosystem must lead to turbulence of weather. Take my hometown as an example. In the recent years, drought and waterlog are very usual in my hometown, but it was quiet rare twenty years before. It is obviously that the key cause is the over-exploiture of forest.

 

 

Also, exploiting land not only deprives the living place of animals and plants but also bereaves property of local residents. Those people, who have been lived on the land for several generations, mainly depend on the land to product food supplies and commodities. Most of them have no other technique to live. Once their land is developed, it is possible for them to lose the ability of living. Some people express doubt about this attitude because they think the local residents are paid when their land is exploited. However, they neglect the fact that the money is limited and will be spent out eventually. When there is no money for them to live, they might exert other actions like crime to earn money. This is another passive effect of developing land.

 

 

In a nutshell, considering all pros and cons, I have to say that keeping land in its natural condition is a better choice in my country.

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-10-11 20:24:19编辑过]

lazymadge

求德克老师给我打个分

这月27号要二战了，以后每天坚持扔一篇文章上来

德克的猪

我来了 等等

德克的猪

    

Twenty years before(ago),
there was a beautiful(因为你的后文有个beautiful,你这里可以说vast,巨大的) forest in my hometown. It was the home to
numerous species of plants and wildlife. Children there used to find delicious(其实delicious的程度是很高的,意思是:最美味的.) wild fruits in the forest in the summer
days. It is the forest that carried impressive memories of many people like me.
However, in recent years, a large number of trees were cut down for the
building(construction建设) of cities(the city). As a result, the
forest is becoming smaller and smaller(become smaller
and smaller这个东西可以用be shrinking来替换) gradually(形容一个不好而渐变的过程你可以用piecemeal). Plants are disappearing and wild animals are leaving(obliged/forced) to find other shelters. A once beautiful and active forest has been(now been devastated into) a depressed area. So you
can see how severe the result is. Frankly speaking, as far as I am concerned,
exploiting land for housing and industry will bring lots of(lot of的这个用法不正式,你可以说legions of) harmful effects on the
local environment. It is needed for our country to leave land in its natural
condition.(开头的模式是很不错的,但是,可以看出,你有点偏题.题目问的是:保留自然状况的土地多还是用于房产和工业的土地多.而你讨论的是:应该保护环境.)

    

 

    

However, this opinion often is challenged by many
people, who always focus on the seemingly positive effects such as earning much
more money by selling land but neglect the intrinsic harmful influences, say, the destroy of ecosystem. Nothing is
waste in nature(这个句子是什么意思?). Birds, beasts and plants play an extreme(extremely
important/crucial) role in keeping the balance of ecosystem. Destroy(The destruction) of the
ecosystem will, as no doubt, lead to turbulence
of weather. Take my hometown as an example:(冒号) In the recent years, drought and waterlog are very usual in my hometown,
but it was quiet rare twenty years before(It would suffice
to mention my hometown: currently it is frequently assaulted by drought and
waterlog brutally, which is fairly rare two decades ago when the forest was
intact.). It is obviously(形容词bvious/evident) that the key cause is the over-exploiture(应该是exploitation) of forest.

    

 

    

Also, exploiting land not only deprives the living
place of animals and plants but also bereaves the
property of local residents. Those people, who have been lived on the land for
several generations, mainly depend on the land to product food supplies and
commodities. Most of them have no other technique to live(to make a living on). Once their land is developed,
it is possible for them to lose the ability of living(就是一个they would probably fail to find a job就可以了). Some people express doubt about this attitude because they think the
local residents are paid when their land is exploited. However, they neglect
the fact that the money is limited and will be spent out(used up) eventually(sooner or later).
When there is no money for them to live, they might exert other actions like
crime to earn money. This is another passive effect of developing land.

    

 

    

In a nutshell, considering all pros and cons, I have
to say that keeping land in its natural condition is a better choice in my
country.

德克的猪

还有很大的上升空间

lazymadge

谢谢德克的指点!

我的问题：

1.(开头的模式是很不错的,但是,可以看出,你有点偏题.题目问的是:保留自然状况的土地多还是用于房产和工业的土地多.而你讨论的是:应该保护环境.)

===>我第二段和第三段的论述有没有跑题？

2.Nothing is waste in nature(这个句子是什么意思?).

我在delta的listening中讲salmon的一篇文章中听到的一句话，意思是说食物链中任何一种生物对于生态平衡都是有用的，所以就顺便拿来用了，好像就是这个句子，唉，我应该仔细检查一下再用

3.德克觉得我这篇文章能的多少分？我发上来之前已经认真检查很多遍了，看来问题还是不少，还得继续努力！

lazymadge

4.As a result, the forest is becoming smaller and smaller(become smaller and smaller这个东西可以用be shrinking来替换) gradually(形容一个不好而渐变的过程你可以用piecemeal).

这句话这样写是不是就可以了：

＝＝＝》As a result, the forest is shrinking piecemeal.

lazymadge

针对德克老师的建议，我对文章做了修改，主要是第一段，修改比较多，其中红色的是对句式的修改，蓝色是对文章的意思进行修改

德克老师帮我看看（主要是蓝色的部分），这样的修改是不是不太跑题了？

Twenty years ago, there was a vast forest in my hometown. It was the home to numerous species of plants and wildlife. Children there used to find tasty wild fruits in the forest in the summer days. It is the forest that carried impressive memories of many people like me. However, in recent years, a large number of trees were cut down and an automobile factory was built on the forest. Besides, other factories are building too. As a result, the forest is shrinking piecemeal. Plants are disappearing and wild animals are obliged to
                find other shelters. A once beautiful and active forest has now been devastated into an inanimate industrial estate which full of renitent machines, steel and concrete. This changing will bring legions of negative effects on the local environment. Frankly speaking, as far as I am concerned, effective efforts and proper measures should be taken to prevent land from exploiting. It is necessary for our country to leave land in its natural condition.

lazymadge

修改后的文章

Twenty years ago, there was a vast forest in my hometown. It was the home to numerous species of plants and wildlife. Children there used to find tasty wild fruits in the forest in the summer days. It is the forest that carried impressive memories of many people like me. However, in recent years, a large number of trees were cut down and an automobile factory was built on the forest. Besides, other factories are building too. As a result, the forest is shrinking piecemeal. Plants are disappearing and wild animals are obliged to find other shelters. A once beautiful and active forest has now been devastated into an industrial estate which full of renitent machines, steel and concrete. This changing will bring legions of negative effects on the local environment. Frankly speaking, as far as I am concerned, effective efforts and proper measures should be taken to prevent land from exploiting. It is necessary for our country to leave land in its natural condition.

 

 

 

However, this opinion often is challenged by many people, who always focus on the seemingly positive effects such as earning much more money by selling land or building factory but neglect the intrinsic harmful influences, say, the destroy of ecosystem. Birds, beasts and plants play an extremely important role in keeping the balance of ecosystem. The destruction of the ecosystem will, as no doubt, lead to turbulence of weather. It would suffice to mention my hometown: currently it is frequently assaulted by drought and waterlog brutally, which is fairly rare two decades ago when the forest was intact. It is obviously that the key cause is the over-exploitation of forest.

 

 

 

Also, exploiting land not only deprives the living place of animals and plants but also bereaves the property of local residents. Those people, who have been lived on the land for several generations, mainly depend on the land to product food supplies and commodities. Most of them have no other technique to make a living on. Once their land is developed, they would probably fail to find a job. Some people express doubt about this attitude because they think the local residents are paid when their land is exploited. However, they ignore the fact that the money is limited and will be used up sooner or later. When there is no money to live, it is possible for them to exert other actions like crime to seek money. This is another passive impact of developing land.

 

 

 

In a nutshell, considering all pros and cons, I have to say that keeping land in its natural condition is a better choice in my country.

粉色粗题字是这些单词有的是拼错了，有的是求助金山词霸才写出来的

总结：

通过写这篇文章学到的新的用法：

the forest is shrinking piecemeal

be obliged to
       

be devastated into
        

legions of
         

as no doubt

It would suffice to mention my hometown: currently it is frequently assaulted by drought and waterlog brutally, which is fairly rare two decades ago when the forest was intact。

express doubt about
           

bereave

be used up sooner or later

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-10-12 15:51:10编辑过]

iamsleeping

以下是引用lazymadge在2007-10-11 21:24:00的发言：

4.As a result, the forest is becoming smaller and smaller(become smaller and smaller这个东西可以用be shrinking来替换) gradually(形容一个不好而渐变的过程你可以用piecemeal).

这句话这样写是不是就可以了：

＝＝＝》As a result, the forest is shrinking piecemeal.

piecemeal意思是“一个个地”，跟“逐渐”还是有区别的。一般用于可数名词,而且一般用来形容人为的事情。

在这里还是用gradually shrinking比较好。如果一定要用piecemeal，就应该写成"the trees are cut piecemeal"。