[求助]11-3战T！求拍作文！选择住在城市还是城镇~

yanfaye

18: prefer to live in big city

The improvement of the material
            life makes it possible foe people to pursue high quality of living. As a vital of subsistence, folks are forever expecting to settle down at an ideal place. Gorgeous view, clean atmosphere, friendly residents, and convenient shopping maybe some of the primary considerations. Hardly can anyone, however, find such a habitation that syncretize all these merits. Thereby, people have to make a choice between a small town and a big city which are two representative living environments. 

 

The closeness to nature and the gentle pace of living of the small town are appealing to some person. They who are likely not to arrive at small towns invariably go into raptures even at the mere mention of the small town. A multitude of people live under the illusion that the small town is superior to the big city. Although I recognize these virtues mentioned above which to some extend the big city may not supply, I also maintain that the big city can provide people with the best that life can offer.

 

Convenient shopping is the most predominant advantage dwellers can enjoy when settling in the big city. There is so much variety, exotic or domestic, bulky or diminutive. You rarely have to do make do with the second best. Moreover multifarious shopping places are selective. You can pick up the store in your community or go to the supermarket a short bus ride away. All in all, shopping is available at any time at any where. While the town folk run wild every time they go shopping in the city and stagger home with as many goods an they can carry. Because the choice in the small town in so limited. In contrast, inhabitants of the big city fail to experience this sort of embarrassment. Shopping is more pleasant for them.

 

Besides, plenty of entertainment in the big city can satisfy people. In the small town, watching TV maybe the only form of recreation. The latest exhibitions, movies, dramas ,however, come on everyday in the big city. Having finished the day 's work, dress on then go to the cinema. What a enjoyment that is!

 

Isn’t there any drawbacks living in the big city? Someone may ask. Definitely yes. I admit. But what does it signify if you can enjoy these benefits!

yanfaye

大家随便拍，随便改，越狠越好！此文是我战T的第一篇作文，借鉴了不少模板和NCE的用法。请多提宝贵意见，叩谢！

yanfaye

大虾小虾们都出来帮我看一下作文吧！第一次写，有些没底。不知道应该在什么地方做些改进？

yanfaye

欢迎大家多提宝贵意见啊！哪怕只是一个搭配错误也可以提出来啊！还有三十天就要考了，心里难免有些慌。希望能尽早确定下思路和框架。所以大家不用客气！有什么说什么。我都会很乐意接受的！

yanfaye

呃~~~~怎么没人理我？难道大家都过节去了？

realclassica

其实我水平一般十一月十一日还要二战,还要借助字典才能看懂你写的,但是既然你都说随便说了,我就发表一下我的建议,不好意思啊.基本上我自己按你的文章重写了一遍,中文是针对你的原文的看法,纯属个人观点,说得不好你就权当废话.

Revision:

The development of the material life makes it possible for people to pursue high living quality. As a necessity of life, an idea place to settle down is always what people are expecting. Spectacular view, clean air, friendly neighbors and convenient shopping may be the primary taken into consideration. However, hardly can anyone find such a habitation that syncretizes all these merits. Therefore, people have to make a choice between two living sites---the big city or the small town. 

表示发展最好用development, subsistence是生活的最低限度的意思, subsistence security allowances 最低生活保障,你想说生活必需品用a necessity of life比较好.forever你用得很别扭,用always就可以了,还有syncretizes主要说的是文化上的同化和融合,我知道你想显示词汇量,但是这你用integrates or shares都比syncretizes好,还有这个地方要用第三人称单数形式.比较严重的一个错误,thereby是副词,你用作连词了,用therefore 或so就行了.你用的是gorgeous, 我不想和你一样,我用spectacular, 你用clean atmosphere就不好了, atmosphere是大气,气氛的意思,你是想用空气吧,但是AIR 有太简单,其实没必要的,用AIR就行了.还有,你不觉得你最后一句话的那个定语从句是个累赘吗?

Living close to the nature and in a gentle pace is appealing to some persons. They, who are not likely to live in small towns, are bound to go into raptures even merely at the mention of them, because small towns present the pictures of never-congested transportation, mutual trust among unsophisticated locals and accommodating water and air. While recognizing the virtues mentioned above that big cities cannot supply to some degree, I maintain they can provide people with the best that life can offer.

第二段首句有语法错误，closeness是主语吧，谓语搭配用is 不是are。Are not likely 比are likely not 地道。Invariably是无可避免的意思,照你这样用什么inevitably , be bound to, 一大堆都能,但是都把意思扭曲了,就用will be doing 就行了,将来进行时表肯定意义,何必搞这么复杂呢?illusion这个词用得很不恰当,幻象的意思啊!用picture词虽然小,但更加生动.最后一句连用两个第一人称代词,将第一个第一人称代词省了,用现在分词,同时将although 改正为while.

 

 

First, convenient shopping is the predominant advantage dwellers can enjoy while living in big cities. Supermarkets like Woerma and Jialefu are everywhere, providing various kinds of commodities ranging from clothes and socks to TVs and PCs. Despite the multifarious shopping centers you can select, time for shopping is available for 24 hours, unlike people in rural areas; people living in big cities needn’t drive a long way to shopping, let alone carrying a bag to staff it with necessities of life.

用了predominant 再用最高级毫无意义,so much variety根本不是英语. There is so much variety, exotic or domestic, bulky or diminutive.难道不能具体点吗?空洞的堆大词有什么意义呢?什么是外在的什么是内在的?什么是大的什么是小的,Be more concrete or specific! At any where?两个错误:anywhere不是 any where, anywhere 是副词之前不用at. 

 

Additional, people living in big cities have access to better education. Take Beijing in China as an example, famous Universities like Tsinghua Universities and Peking Universities, together with tens of other Top 50 colleges are all located in the center of cities rather than in small towns. Moreover the National Library, the History
                Museum and other facilities for learning are also in big cities.

 

Let me draw a conclusion, although there are some minor advantages living in small tows, living in big cities is better.

总之,写得很好,就是有点空洞,给点例子更好,还有,没必要用大词,特别是你本来就不熟的大词.

以上评论纯属个人愚见,若有不当,楼主权当废话.

 

 

yanfaye

说的蛮好的！太感谢了~其实相互改作文有时比自己写效果更好！

这是我第一次写托福作文，虽然还有三十天就考试了。

虽然看了好几遍评分标准和范文，但真要自己写，还真是有些无从下手。

其实文中的有些句子是直接从NCE3里面摘出来的，像There is so much variety。

所以空洞的摘抄可能让文章显得有些连贯性逻辑性不强。

不过多练的话相信一定会有进步的。

楼上的也要加油哦！

yanfaye

还有没有高人帮我看一下作文？关于思路和结构方面。万分感谢！！！

yanfaye

有没有好心人帮忙改一下作文啊？谢谢啦~