[求助] 刚写好一篇非魔版类作文，希望德克 猪与大家给出意见。

lifeiteng

150 Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Watching television is bad for
children. Use specific details and examples to support your answer.

  Watching television has become part of our daily routine now: we watch while having meals, we watch while eating snacks, and while we are in our spare time. But could this lovable little box be harmful for children? My answer to this one is clear and definite: yes. Providing children with free right to watch whatever they want to is not a good idea and it contains two shortages: unsuitable programs and body-harming.
  Mass media have created a beautiful image for us: skinny girls around rappers, with exposing dressing and luxury cars. Children are easily infulced by what they see on television and they are more likely to immitate. This may not be a serrious problem when they ar e still young, but that's a latent problem. Many teens these days are dressing like gangsters, with do-rags, or bandannas, wide T-shirts which do not fit their body, and big trousers which rarely cover up their underwears. They talk like gangsters, they act like gangsters, but they hardly meet any real ones. Where did they learn all that from? A major source is from the TV programs they see everyday. With the influnce of movies and music videos of gangster songs these days, it is inevitable that many young children will be infulenced. Another aspect of the infulence television exert upon children is adult programs. It's easy to see there are classification of programs and TV series, but that will only work when parents are aside. The curiosity of young children will push them to watch those programs which are suitable for them when their parents are away. Family guy is a hilarious cartoon, but it is classified as 14+, which means that children under fourteen years-old are not elligeble to watch that show. The truth is many children under fourteen are watching and discussing about it everyday. Unlike other shows contains little violence and pornagraphy, family guy is famous for that. In addition, some youths are in favor of that.
  Furthermore, television will cause some problems with our bodies as well. Due to watching TV for hours on a coach with little moving, many children are becoming over weight, and they eat more junk food than usual especially when they are watching television. A survey has shown that 36% Chinese youths are having over weight problems, and 53% are having short-seeing problems because of watching television for hours.
  To conclude, watching television exerts more negative impacts than positive ones upon youths. It's not a wise idea to give children free right to watch whatever they want to, and parents should always monitor and guide them.

都说是不要魔版好，我就赶快转型，好像写魔版会得分很低啊。。 那到底应该是怎么样写才对啊。。自由些吗？

字数: 435。

好像有点头重脚轻了，但是发现第2段实在不好改了。这样能拿多少分？？我就尽量多想几个好的东西。

peoplewith

赞，来发表下我的意见

写的还是很有质量的，有大量鲜明独特的例子和细节。还有语言的变化也是值得称道的。

有几个拼写错误，such as influence, eligible.

关于头重脚轻的问题，可以把第二段的一部分内容拿到第三段写，稍微改动下在逻辑上应该仍是连贯的。

总体上来说这是一篇满分作文的雏形了。