第一篇作文，写了一半不知道该怎么继续下去了！4楼新增完成版，欢迎拍拍！

yaya322

昨天开始写了我的第一篇TOEFL作文，选的是机经上的一个题，most advertisements make the products seems much better than what it really is,agree or disagree，结果写了如下两段以后，就不知道再怎么继续往下写了，大家帮忙来看看啊，谢谢了！

On the TV,from the magazines,in the newspapers,before a moive starts in the theater,even in an elevator,adervetisements,which become commonplace in our lives,appears everywhere.Maybe we can say that now we are all surrounded by a variety of advertisements in our daily life.Among so many advertisements,some really recommend perfect goods to customers,but the most just make the products seem much better than what they really are.

As the purpose of advertising is to promote the sale of a product,one advertisement has to highlight the personality of the product,make it unique,appealing and appropriate so that the customers will want to choose it over other similar products.Inevitably,the advertisement amplifies the virtues of the product by any possible ways,even to the extent of lying to customers.Take an advertisement of a famous shampoo for example,the girl,in the advertisement,the girl completely get rid of dandruff after using this shampoo for the first time,on the contrary,the other girl using another shampoo still have the dandruff problem.The noticeable effection of this shampoo impressed me so much that I bought this shampoo immediately.However,I have used several bottles of this shampoo,but the dandruff troubles me all the time.

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-7-3 11:46:20编辑过]

watershed

按照经典的格式肯定会有话说的，

开头： A

支持段一： 夸大了产品

支持段二： 隐瞒了产品的缺点

支持段三： 生产商将精力都放在广告上了，产品差

支持段四：………………………………………………

让步段：  也有实事求是的广告，但是很少

结尾

不过这个题目确实很难

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-7-3 9:29:48编辑过]

yaya322

嗯，谢谢watershed！

你列出的结构很有用，本来还以为自己的第一篇作文就要这样半途而废了呢！

现在继续写！

watershed

我也在写我的第二篇

yaya322

第一篇作文终于写完了，请大家来拍拍啊！先谢过了！

另：字数就只有三百，没达到要求的三百五，不过实在是写不出来了，大家先帮忙来看看吧。

most advertisements make the products seems much better than what it really is,agree or disagree

On the TV,from the magazines,in the newspapers,before a moive starts in the theater,even in an elevator,adervetisements,which become commonplace in our lives,appears everywhere.Maybe we can say that now we are all surrounded by a variety of advertisements in our daily life.Among so many advertisements,some really recommend perfect goods to customers,but the most just make the products seem much better than what they really are.

As the purpose of advertising is to promote the sale of a product,one advertisement has to highlight the personality of the product,make it unique,appealing and appropriate so that the customers will want to choose it over other similar products.Inevitably,the advertisement amplifies the virtues of the product by any possible ways,even to the extent of lying to customers.Take an advertisement of a famous shampoo for example,the girl,in the advertisement,the girl completely get rid of dandruff after using this shampoo for the first time,on the contrary,the other girl using another shampoo still have the dandruff problem.The noticeable effection of this shampoo impressed me so much that I bought this shampoo immediately.However,I have used several bottles of this shampoo,but the dandruff troubles me all the time.

The fierce competition in the markets impel the companies to make their advertisements more attractive to buyers than those of their rivals.For example,advertisements of products which can help you lose weight,one may claim that this product can help you to get fit in one month,the rival maybe merely in a week.Of course,most of the buyers may be attracted by the words"in a week",thus the latter one is their option.Concequently,the products in the advertisements are oversold than ever before.

Such a situation in advertising industry is a common ocurrence.That is to say,the majority of the advertisements around us are deceptive.We'd better to remain level-headed in the world filled with so many advertisements.

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-7-3 11:43:17编辑过]

德克的猪

先提醒一下,句号和逗号之后要打空格

请先用word文档把里边所有你可以发觉的错误更正过后,再发上来

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-7-3 15:22:32编辑过]

yaya322

谢谢德克的猪，我已经在WORD里面把你说的那些问题改过来了。再发一遍啊，要是有时间帮忙改下哦，谢谢了！

On the TV, from the magazines, in the newspapers, before a movie starts in the theater, even in an elevator, advertisements, which become commonplace in our lives, appears everywhere. Maybe we can say that now we are all surrounded by a variety of advertisements in our daily life. Among so many advertisements, some really recommend perfect goods to customers, but the most just make the products seem much better than what they really are.

 

 

As the purpose of advertising is to promote the sale of a product, one advertisement has to highlight the personality of the product, make it unique, appealing and appropriate so that the customers will want to choose it over other similar products. Inevitably, the advertisement amplifies the virtues of the product by any possible ways, even to the extent of lying to customers. Take an advertisement of a famous shampoo for example, the girl, in the advertisement, the girl completely get rid of dandruff after using this shampoo for the first time, on the contrary, the other girl using another shampoo still have the dandruff problem. The noticeable effect of this shampoo impressed me so much that I bought this shampoo immediately. However, I have used several bottles of this shampoo, but the dandruff troubles me all the time.

 

 

The fierce competition in the markets impels the companies to make their advertisements more attractive to buyers than those of their rivals. For example, advertisements of products which can help you to lose weight, one may claim that this product can help you to get fit in one month, the rival maybe merely in a week. Of course, most of the buyers may be attracted by the words "in a week", thus the latter one is their option. Consequently, the products in the advertisements are oversold than ever before.

 

 

Such a situation in advertising industry is a common occurrence. That is to say, the majority of the advertisements around us are deceptive. We'd better to remain level-headed in the world filled with so many advertisements.

 

 

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-7-3 20:34:43编辑过]

德克的猪

On the TV, from the magazines, in the newspapers, before a movie starts in the theater, even in an elevator, advertisements(这里的并列用得很好!), which become commonplace(commonplace这个词绝对是可以的,但是这里有个更好的:ubiquitous,无处不在的,贬义) in our lives, appears(复数)
      everywhere. Maybe we can say that now we are all surrounded by a variety of advertisements in our daily life. Among so many advertisements, some really recommend perfect(perfect这个词用过了,还是说goods with fantastic qualities) goods to customers, but the most just (merely)
         make the products seem much better than what they really are.(对了哟!开头很好的做到了从general到specific,很自然)

 

As the purpose of advertising is to promote the sale of a product, one advertisement has to highlight the personality
     (qualities/merits) of the product, make it unique, appealing and appropriate so that the customers will want to choose it over other similar products. Inevitably, the advertisement amplifies(extol也可以)
      the virtues of the product by any possible ways(any+单数), even to the extent of lying to customers. Take an advertisement of a famous shampoo for example, the(a) girl, in the advertisement, the girl(这个the girl和前面的the girl重复了) completely get rid of dandruff after using this shampoo for the first time, on the contrary, the other girl(the other girls或者another girl in the ad) using another shampoo still have the dandruff problem(still has to tolerate dandruff). The noticeable effect of this shampoo impressed me so much(可以这样替换:to such a degree) that I bought this shampoo immediately
       (with no hesitation,这里最好说具体点:I, as one who underwent the same problem, immediately jumped up from the couch and rushed to the nearest market and then bought two bottles of such an
      “incredible” shampoo with no hesitation.). However,
     (up to now)
      I have used several bottles of this shampoo, but the dandruff troubles me all the time
     (but unfortunately, I see no sign that it will disappear).

 

The fierce competition in the markets impels the companies to make their advertisements more attractive to buyers than those of their rivals. For example(Let us say), advertisements of products which can help you to lose weight, one may claim that this product can help you to get fit(trim down) in one month, the rivals’ saying maybe merely in a week. Of course(As no doubt), most of(a multitude of,这样可以使用于稍微丰富点) the buyers may be attracted by the words "in a week", thus the latter one is their option. Consequently, the products in the advertisements are oversold than ever before.(其实,<夸大>这个方面,写到上一段,就已经很好的,你这段其实写得不是很好.作为一个中国人,我可以理解你要表达的意思,但是老外,就不一定了.

 

Such a situation in advertising industry is a common occurrence. That is to say, the majority of the advertisements around us are deceptive. We'd(分开,we had)
      better to remain level-headed in the world filled with so many advertisements.

 

 

(写得很不错)

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-7-3 21:13:00编辑过]

yaya322

当时发上来的时候其实心里是很希望德克的猪能帮忙改改的，毕竟是第一篇嘛，对今后有指导意义哦。

不过想想现在坛子上这么多人都想要德克的猪帮忙改作文，他一个人也应付不了这么多，所以只在心里想没有吱声，呵呵

所以很高兴德克的猪帮忙改了作文，真的非常感谢！

另外，还有个问题想请教一下德克的猪：当时写的时候就是写完第二段觉得写不下去了，可是直接结尾内容太单薄，而且字数也不够，所以第三段写得比较勉强，不知道德克的猪有没有什么好的建议？

偷偷地说哦，作文开头是看了德克的猪给别人改作文提出的建议之后学着写的，呵呵

德克的猪

难怪不得开头写得这么好,

你随便比较一下,这样的开头绝对比那些模版上的烂套路自然很多.

写不下去,就可以反着写:广告也不是没有好处(然后提及一下广告的好处),但是,广告中的败类太多了,所以还是不相信广告的好.这样稍微拓展一下,就可以了

其实,写作的 论点 不一定要多的,就算是一个点,只要well developed加上实际例子(例子可以编造),就可以了.一味的追求观点的多,而忽视质量,是不好的.

你的第一个观点就develop很好,而且有实例(但是以后例子再具体生动点),这就很好.所以后面只需要像我说的那样拓展一下就可以了.

第一次发文就有这样的水平,还是很不错的