[求助]恳请德克的猪帮改作文

candyzr

As we know, people benefit a lot from the rapid development of science and technology, and life seems to be easier than before. But at the same time, some problems have been brought out as well, such as the air pollution. Therefore, more attention is paid to the issue, which has been brought into focus recently, that is “will the life after twenty years be easier than it is now?" As far as I am concerned, the answer should be "Yes".

 

 

  Undoubtedly, people have made huge progress within recent decades, the Internet, for example, has connected the whole world together. The scientists, however, do not satisfy with the current harvest. In other words, they are concentrating on developing a even better life for next generation. It could be predicted that the techniques would be more convenient in future, thus a more leisure life is not just a dream.

 

 

  In addition, from the perspective of living conditions, people would enjoy a lot. For example, many wives are complaining about the endless house working, in twenty years, however, robots could take charge of the boring house working instead. Thanks to those smart robots, women are set free. Which means women could spend more time in other activities, according to their interests. Furthermore, highly developed techniques could bring about advanced treatments. By then, AIDS would not be a sentence to death, and more patients could stop suffering the pains and get reunioned with their family members. What a happy ending, isn't it?

 

 

  For students, because of the brilliant scientific progress, studying abroad could be much easier for them, more opportunities would be offered and efficient interaction seems to be possible. Therefore, various kinds of knowledge would be available. Definitely, they would gain more.

 

 

  Admittedly, more problems might emerge in twenty years, but with the efforts from all the human beings, it is possible to live in a more leisure life. After all, a pleasant life is the same idea sharing by all of us.

６.１６就要上战场了　对自己的作文很没底　没练过模版　有意见尽管说

不胜感激

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-6-12 20:11:29编辑过]

candyzr

自己打字不快 刚这个是用了26分钟打出来的 有些拼错的单词已经改正过了 主要希望能在谋篇布局上给点建议 非常感谢！

德克的猪

到iBT区把我写得那个写作的帖子看了

主要看8楼和修改

现在帮你改

candyzr

弱问 那个帖子在哪里啊？

德克的猪

As we know, people benefit a lot from the rapid development of science and technology, and life seems to be easier than before. But at the same time, some problems have been brought out as well, such as the air pollution. Therefore, more attention is paid to the issue, which has been brought into focus recently, that is “will the life after twenty years be easier than it is now?"（一句废话） As far as I am concerned, the answer should be "Yes".

 (第一段的开头，应该先从general到specific,具体的做法，我的帖子上面有。直接复述主题的开头我不推荐。)

  Undoubtedly, people have made huge progress within recent decades, the Internet, for example(我不推荐用for example,这里可以说let us say), has connected the whole world together. The scientists, however, do not satisfy with the current harvest. In other words, they are concentrating on developing an even better life for next generation. It could be predicted that the techniques would be more convenient in future, thus a more leisure life is not just a dream.

(科技发展的确可以缩短工作时间，但是你也要具体的提一下，不然你这里的最后一句就会十分的苍白)

 

  In addition, from the perspective of living conditions, people would enjoy a lot. For example(再次出现for example, 这里可以说to give a demonstration), many wives are complaining about the endless house working, in twenty years, however, robots could take charge of the boring house working instead. Thanks to those smart robots, women are set free. Which means women could spend more time in other activities, according to their interests. Furthermore, highly developed techniques could bring about advanced treatments. By then, AIDS would not be a sentence to death, and more patients could stop suffering the pains and get reunioned with their family members. What a happy ending, isn't it?(你后面的这部分，和leisure time有什么关系？)

 

  For students, because of the brilliant scientific progress, studying abroad could be much easier for them, more opportunities would be offered and efficient interaction seems to be possible. Therefore, various kinds of knowledge would be available. Definitely, they would gain more.

 

  Admittedly, more problems might emerge in twenty years, but with the efforts from all the human beings, it is possible to live in a more leisure life. After all, a pleasant life is the same idea sharing by all of us.

德克的猪

没有多改，因为问题比较多

首先：如果你要说20年后的leisure time更多，那么要具体说明为什么

你的论证首先是不充分，不符合well developed。

然后是有一些无关的东西－艾滋病和leisure life有什么关系？就算有，你也应该说明。

你的文章太泛了，很空洞，其实内容没有什么，就是一句话：科技带来的leisure life

你应该具体的把这些科技说一下，然后说他们将怎么改变人们的生活

再得出结论

德克的猪

http://forum.chasedream.com/dispbbs.asp?boardID=19&ID=253518&page=1

candyzr

多谢指点 虽然很有点沮丧 也就是说我该从整个的构思上下功夫么？也就是说从develop上面？but how？帖子我会好好研究的 再次感谢

要不是今天斗胆一贴 真就准备按照这样的作文在考场上写了

德克的猪

不可以的

写作主要还是语言，结构其次

好好看看我的帖子和修改

有帮助的

candyzr

我找的那个jj上面说的topic是 In the twenty years, people will lead a more leisure life.

所以我就找这么写的 不知道是不是这个jj和你了解的有所偏差呢？