作文一篇 ---- 希望大家多多指教,谢谢. =S 帮帮忙阿~谢谢啦!

miaomiao_622

It is impossible for anyone to live with our parent within our whole life. So it brings a question, when is the best time for us to live along. For different people, the answer can be varying. Some people may think that the longer we live together with our parent, the more advantages for us. However, I would like to say, as a young adult, we should try to live independently as early as we can. Here I give some of reasons for not being dependent with our family.

Living independent could give us much more freedom and space than living with our parents. Nobody will bother us when we watching TV until midnight; no one will yield at us when we did something wrong. Meanwhile, don’t even expect anyone will cook for us as well. However that’s also could be a good thing for us.

Young people will know nothing until experiences what the real life is and what the difficult is. No pain no gain is the best way to describe this situation. Everything will under our control. By then, we are the real decision maker, we can make decision for ourselves without asking our parents. Then we know we have to take all the conditions into our consideration, otherwise we may make mistakes. Or maybe we made some mistakes, which are also help us grow up.

Since we born, we’ve been living under the “big wings” for approximately twenty years. The fact is being a child forever is impossible. Flying out, we will learn how to live alone, how to handle things in our actual life and how to deal with others. Soon or later, we have to step out of the “big wings” and left our parents. Living independently earlier is definitely a wise choice that will help us learn more and experience the real life in person.

实在是没时间了,16号考,再不弄作文恐怕来不及了,希望大家多多指点! 不知道这样的水平能的几分阿?

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-5-31 20:28:25编辑过]

miaomiao_622

还有,写作文的时候总是决的条理很不清晰,比如:

那些自己写的支持第一个论点的例子,论据阿,一会又觉得支持第二个论点也说得过去;

再或者,干脆又觉得第一个论点和第二个论点说的好像是一回事.

最后看起来条理特乱,而且觉得论据不够有说服力,怎么办啊?

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-5-30 23:08:42编辑过]

miaomiao_622

是不是写的太差?

miaomiao_622

都没什么可说的吗？？请高人帮忙指点指点吧！没一个愿意帮忙的吗？？

德克的猪

题目是什么？

miaomiao_622

哎呀,谢谢啦,终于有人理我了!

Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time. Which of these situations do you think is better?

突然发现自己犯了一个错误，是不是我写的没有强调independence ASAP而只强调了independence? 

德克的猪

将帖子发到写作区,让大家帮你看看

miaomiao_622

哦，这样啊，好的，谢谢！

lxzjojo

以下是引用miaomiao_622在2007-5-30 22:55:00的发言：

It is impossible for anyone to live with our parent within our whole life. So it brings a question, when is the best time for us to live along. For different people, the answer can be varying. Some people may think that the longer we live together with our parent, the more advantages for us. However, I would like to say, as a young adult, we should try to live independently as early as we can. Here I give some of reasons for not being dependent with our family.

开头就直接亮出观点，不错。这里指出了一些minor的错误，或者是拼写错误，或者是短语搭配不当。

Living independent could give us much more freedom and space than living with our parents. Nobody will bother us when we watching TV until midnight; no one will yield at us when we did something wrong. Meanwhile, don’t even expect anyone will cook for us as well. However that’s also could be a good thing for us.

在however前面，会让人产生疑问，到底你侧重的是meanwhile前面还是后面？这有骑墙之嫌。而且这段的理由太牵强了，似乎在数落父母平时的行为，“bother”"yield"等negative的词语，会让人产生一种感觉，父母对你的爱是一种令人讨厌的行为。这种想法本人实在不能认可。另外，这段的陈述太干巴巴了，完全没有说服力，只是观点的简单摆出而已。

Young people will know nothing until experiences what the real life is and what the difficult is. No pain no gain is the best way to describe this situation. Everything will under our control. By then, we are the real decision maker, we can make decision for ourselves without asking our parents. Then we know we have to take all the conditions into our consideration, otherwise we may make mistakes. Or maybe we made some mistakes, which are also help us grow up.

同上一段相同的问题，没有实际的事例或者是真实的经历来支持你的观点。你说no pain no gain,但却没有看到你的pain，更没有gain.你明白我的意思吗？其实那句“No pain no gain is the best way to describe this situation”本身就是一个相当好的举例的引导句，接下来大家就在期待你分享一些经验，是什么令你这么深刻认识到这个东东呢？要将你的观点写得“具体”一些，最好的方法就是用一些人尽皆知或者是真实的事例来支持它。

Since we born, we’ve been living under the “big wings” for approximately twenty years. The fact is being a child forever is impossible. Flying out, we will learn how to live alone, how to handle things in our actual life and how to deal with others. Soon or later, we have to step out of the “big wings” and left our parents. Living independently earlier is definitely a wise choice that will help us learn more and experience the real life in person.

i dare to say, the ending is the most striking part of the whole essay.这样的结尾是新颖的，表达得也相当到位。如果前面能像尾段这么出彩，整体感觉会好很多的～加油！

实在是没时间了,16号考,再不弄作文恐怕来不及了,希望大家多多指点! 不知道这样的水平能的几分阿?

miaomiao_622

十分感谢jojobz的点评，很细致，也很有帮助，一定努力改进！