第一次練習作文 請高手幫忙改吧

RobertFLCL

第一次練習TWE 有試著套一些模板  請大家幫看看還有哪些地方要修改的

先在此謝謝大家!!

 

It has recently been announced that large shopping center may be built in your neighborhood. Do you support or oppose this plan? Why? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

 

There would be both advantages and disadvantages to having a shopping center in my neighborhood. But I would have to say that, if I faced this issue, I would probably support this plan. In the following discussion, I would like to reason and provide evidence to support my viewpoint.

 

Nothing is more important than the one that refers to the economy. The past experience witnesses and presents many examples that building a shopping center can develop the economy of community. To build the shopping center, the building contractor would offer numerous jobs to the community. After the shopping center is built people could work in stores. In additional, the shopping center attracts other business set their company here because of that “Where is the crowd, there is the business”.

 

Convenience is another head and chief reason that I have chosen to put here. If the shopping center were built, I would not drive a great distance to get to the store. As well as this, a shopping center would mean more choices and more stores, thus I could buy different products what I want.

 

As a proverb says, “Everything has two sides”. A shopping center also has drawbacks. The most significant problem would be traffic, the uncountable people would come to the shopping center and the uncountable cars would be driven through our community. The cars would cause not only the terrible traffic, but also the air pollution; both would harm our health and security.

 

As far as I concerned, although the shopping center would bring some disadvantage, I still support this plan. As it knows to all “No pains, no gains”, we want the convenient life and the developed economy then we should tolerate the terrible traffic and the bad air.

lucyzl517

我作文也不是很好,就改了些我自己觉得别扭的地方(不好意思,我没把改的地方全highlight,lz要仔细看了),肯定还有错(包括我的错误),  下面说下我自己的看法, 大家一起讨论.

1.结构还可以,条理也还清楚, 但我觉得如果lz是支持这个center的,那支持的理由还要多写,或把已有的2个理由再扩展,而disadvantage写1,2句带过即可. 现在的内容有可能让reader困惑你也许是处于中立态度而把advantage和disadv.都列出来了.

2.would用的太多,并不需要虚拟语气

3.as well as不能用在句首

4. no pain no gain用的有些牵强,不要为了用谚语而用谚语

There will be both advantages and disadvantages to build a shopping center in my neighborhood. But I would have to say that, if I face this issue, I definitely support this plan. In the following discussion, I would like to analyze the problem and provide evidence to support my viewpoint.

 

Nothing is more important than economic consideration. The past experiences witnesse and present many examples that building a shopping center can develop the economy of community. To build the shopping center, the building contractor will offer numerous jobs to the community. After the shopping center is built, people can work in stores. In addition, the shopping center attracts other businesses to set their companies here because of “Where is the crowd, there is the business”.

 

Convenience is another reason that I will demonstrate
            here. If the shopping center is built, I will not have to drive a great distance to get to the store. Moreover,a shopping center means more choices and more stores, thus I could buy different products I want.

 

As a proverb says, “Everything has two sides”, a shopping center also has drawbacks. The most significant problem would be traffic. The uncounted people will come to the shopping center and a lot of cars will be driven through our community. The cars will cause not only theterrible traffic, but also the air pollution; both will harm our health and security.

 

As far as I concerned, although the shopping center would probably bring some disadvantage, I still support this plan. As it is well-known that“No pains, no gains”, we want a convenient life and a developed economy, then we should tolerate the terrible traffic and the bad air.

 

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-4-9 7:38:40编辑过]

RobertFLCL

感謝你的指導

要在短時間內把想到的理由好好發展還真的不容易呢

這方面我得要多多練習

不能道在虚拟语气 和 未來式的使用時機上有沒有更多的建議呢？