心情日记－全当作文了，帮我看看有没有可改的问题

Raychaser

I think I would better calm myself down. I won't like to spend my life within those misery complaints

that I have been suffering these days. She was my five-year girlfriend. But it's really so horrible to

stay with a girl who were talking about others' wealth consistently around me.

As we becoming mature, we are evitable to consider some realistic cases such as who got a salary

of 3000 even more, whose husband was well rich and so on. I am poor, impoverished, and

penniless now! I hardly have the ability to give my girlfriends what she wants now; even though I

thought I could fetch it in the future through my hard struggle after graduated. Perhaps that's the

most tragic thing that happens now. So I want to abandon or forsake it.  I think what I do would be

right to her as well as to me, emancipating her, because I really, really love her. Let her be happy

and get blessedness.

At least I could be freed from that depressed moment as acting as a listener. I have dreams of my

life. I have dreams of a peaceful life. I want to chase dreams of my soul.

[此贴子已经被作者于2006-12-3 20:02:04编辑过]

Joypan

有意思。先顶再看。呵呵。

xenia_dung

看完了。意思很通。顶一下。

Joypan

but这个转折词太绝对了,建议少用.虽然现在however用滥了,但是还是用however比较合适,如果表达转折的话.文章以客观公正不绝对化为基础.所以,在用词方面要注意.

Joypan

以下是引用Raychaser在2006-12-3 20:01:00的发言：

I think I would better calm myself down. I won't like to spend my life within those misery complaints

that I have been suffering these days. She was my five-year girlfriend. But (however?)it's really so horrible to

stay with a girl who were (was)talking about others' wealth consistently around (请问你希望表达一个什么意思?在你周围的人?还是跟你说?)me.

As we becoming mature(这样的句子有效性不是很强,就像很多人经常会写with the developement of ...有没有其他更好的句式可以表达同一个意思?), we are evitable to consider some realistic cases such as who got a salary
                of 3000 even more, whose husband was well (very?well修饰副词)rich and so on(像and so on,and etc.这样的尽量不要用.因为你前面已经举过例子了,后面再说等等无非是字数上增加或者是为了表示例子没举充分,但是,这样的同类例子已经举过几个就已经有效了,不用再添加了.如果是按学术性论文的标准来看的话,用等等之类的不是很好.).(While?这里如果再加上这个词的话,是不是使衔接更好一些了呢?) I am poor, impoverished, and
                penniless now! I hardly (这里用scarecely会不会好一些?)have the ability to give my girlfriends
                        (不用加S吧?你有几个GF?开个玩笑.别介意)what she wants now; even though (我觉得这里用even if会读起来更顺一点)I thought I could fetch it in the future through my hard struggle after graduated. Perhaps that's
                        (不要用缩略形式,要写全)the most tragic thing that happens now. So(用hence或Therefore 是不是跟好一些?口语化的意味更淡一些?)I want to abandon or forsake it.  I think what I do would be
                right to her as well as to me, emancipating her, because I really, really love her. Let
                        (用wish比较好.Let是祈使句,强加的意味比较浓)her be happy and get blessedness.

At least I could be freed from that depressed moment as
                    acting as (用being是不是更好一些?)a listener. I have dreams of my
                life. I have dreams of a peaceful life. I want to chase dreams of my soul.