10t.跪求批改

小小丸子

10t哪， 我决定从今天开始好好写作文，争取考得好一点，这是我的完整第一篇，虽然写了N久，但肯定很多问题，大家请指教，别客气的找错误。划线是我觉得语法上有问题又不知怎么说的

还有，我文章中是不是举例子不够，例子一定要使for example那种很具体时间地点的吗？

题目问是选择珠宝还是音乐会的那个
When facing the choice of either a piece of jewelry or a concert ticket as their present, some people would pick up the ticket whitle other prefer the jewelry. Both sides has their own reasons, as far as I am concerned, despite the merits a concert might have, a piece of jewelry would finally excel( in my choice?).   

Admittedly, choosing the concert ticket would be appealing in some way. Just imagine that going to a concert with friends, enjoying the musicians’ techniques and passion, we could expect a concert ticket give us a memorable day in our life (这句话是不是just imagine 用完了没主语？). However, we may have a similar pleasure at home by listening to CDs at any time we want whereas the concert can be enjoyed only once. Also, listening music at home makes us act more casual and saves the trouble and time spent on the way to the theater      

In contrast, a piece of jewelry has a longer, more practical use and can bring us more pleasure. The jewelry can be worn thousand of time as you want, while a concert night leaves only memory once it is done, and the memory fades with time passing (passed?) by. In addition to its durability, the jewelry can be worn on many occasions, helping or help? us decorate（这个词感觉不对）our clothes and leave other(s?) a good impression. So a piece of jewelry helps us practically in the long run.  

Besides its practical use, we can have a piece of jewelry as an investment may ever help us live through a rainy day. It is well known that the jewelry often becomes more and more valuable as time goes off, so keeping a necklace or ring will increase our fortune, and solve the financial problem.

As what has been discussed above, there may be one or two plausible reasons for us to choose a concert ticket. However, a piece of jewelry has more value and practical use in the long term, which outweigh the the merits of a concert and makes it a better choice for me.

farsuccess

When facing the choice of either a piece of jewelry or a concert ticket as their present, some people would pick up the ticket whitle (while)other(s) prefer the jewelry. Both sides has (have)their own reasons, as far as I am concerned, despite the merits a concert might have, a piece of jewelry would finally excel( in my choice?).   (严重语法错误，两句话在同一个句子中，之间没有连词）

由于我过两天要考试，等考完再来改。不过你尽量先自己看看，自己觉得没有错误，就贴上来，让大家改。我只看了第一段，觉得你需要多多写，尽量避免语法错误。

小小丸子

紫霞姐姐，我努力写，考完试一定要帮我改改呀，（我以后自己看了才发上来）我托付是二进宫了，上次是627/3.5，再不努力死定了

Both sides has (have)their own reasons, as far as I am concerned, despite the merits a concert might have, a piece of jewelry would finally excel( in my choice?).   (严重语法错误，两句话在同一个句子中，之间没有连词）改成Depending on individuals' favor and value（价值观）, both sides have their own reasons. As far.as 加后边的就行了吗？