<Tim老师批改范例欣赏>2019.1.15一对一学生作业

写作老师Tim

学生背景：
某外国语大学大二学生，考过2次，最高分94，两次写作都是21分
英语基础还可以，基本没有太大语法错误
主要问题就是内容的合理性（所谓合理性就是在外人看来，说的内容符合现实）
12月份开始系统学习，19年2.23号准备考第三次

P.S. 针对19年2月份要考试的同学：
2月份只有两场考试23,24号。目前有很多很多同学都在准备用过年期间准备，开学之前和托福分手（你们能想到的，其他同学也和你们想的一样）
“Some TOEFL facilities on the mainland are always hot on Feb., and the officials may not rule out the possiblities of adding new topics that students have never had.”
（前几天和一些朋友吃下午茶的时候提及到的，所以建议大家看看去年是不是有什么社会热门争议的一些话题）

此外，目前报名学习的同学，几乎全都是准备在2.23-24号两天考试；竞争力较大，大家做好准备。（想考25分以上的，应该把目标放在28分以上的标准）

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement？

Universities should require every graduation students to take public speaking courses.

Give specific examples and details to support your answer.

Public speaking courses, the subjects that can help students to learn how to express themselves and how to show their talents, are used to treat as an alternative subject in . However, with the development of society, there are more and more projects and assignments that need students to speak in public. In my opinion, I think to require students to learn some public speaking skills is necessary.

解释定义开头法（四大开头之一，有同学不知道可以参考之前Tim老师批改的作文中有提及到）。整体问题不大，也突出了自己的立场。

（开头有很多同学表示过写不明白，如果写不明白就不要逼自己写；简简单单，清清楚楚的开头也很好）

Firstly, learning public speaking skills can improve students’ competitiveness. （Tim老师教育类万能观点之一）That is because public speaking is necessary （添：and useful） for many parts of works （添：when students graduate from university）, no matter doing researches or holding conferences. As a result, for companies, they are tend to choose people with public speaking skills since they need not teach them anymore. It is known that companies or organizations today are under a great competition.（前面两句话完全可以何在一个句子中，修改：as a result, under fierce competition, some companies may tend to choose someone who has a good command of public speaking to fill their vacancy .） For interviewers, while they choosing employees, there will be bunches of people who have similar academic background to compete with others. If they had discovered someone with public speaking skills, they would have definitely chosen him/her.（这两句话和前面的内容一模一样，companies和interviewers of companies完全没区别。所以这就是一个多余的重复句；会被考官认作为重复，并没有做到well-developed。上面已经做了论述，这里建议可以举例，在差不多的教育背景下，有的大学生在学习公共演讲后的谈吐，说话和其他没学过的同学的区别。然后突出竞争力更大的主题。） Therefore, public speaking skills can make students to get a job easier.

很多同学在写作文的时候都会犯这样的毛病，说了两句话之后不知道说什么了。于是又重新重复了前面的句子，又或者直接有两三句话for example来凑字数。

但是，这样做的风险就是对评分标准中的well- developed and well-organized上有一定影响。

有些同学经常问“那老师，我们怎么样规避这样的问题”

答案很简单，看看你们的观点句是否合理。

我不相信有很多的同学在总结自己的观点的时候能说出“improve one's competitiveness”这样的观点，甚至可以说，很多同学都说不出来。

同样的表达，大部分的同学会用"learning public speaking skills will help students to get a better job after graduation."来代替“提高竞争力”。

那么，大家思考一下，公共演讲课提高学生们的竞争力和公共演讲可以帮助学生找到更好的工作，哪个更客观？更容易让别人理解和信服？难道会了公共演讲之后，就不愁找工作了吗？（好好思考Tim老师的逻辑，这就是考官的思考方式）

Moreover, learning public speaking classes can cultivate students’ self-confidence.（Tim老师教育、生活类万能观点之一） That is because people can practice speaking and learn skillsfrom those classes. As a result, with the encouragement of teachers, they will gain knowledge and become more confident.（第二句话和第三句话中的内容感觉很空洞，those classess是什么？will gain knowledge又是什么knowledge，说的不明不白。that is because这种解释论证的句子上面用过了，下面也应该稍微替换一下，所以建议两句话合起来：This is especially true that students who take public speaking lessons will have more opportunities to make a speech in front of others, and with the help of teachers, they may not be afraid of speaking up or openning their mouth in public.其实解释confidence的最简单的一点，不就是敢公众讲话这件事儿吗？有些同学一定要把confidence挂在嘴边，反复去说。） For example, I used to be an introverted and nervous person who cannot speak on the stage or in front of others more than two. When I was in university, I took a class about public speaking. Our teacher taught us a lot about skills to prevent nervousness and improve fluency.（最后这句话感觉少了很多解释，并且从前两句开始，整个句子都非常简单。修改：our professor taught us a lot about how to overcome nervousness and how to make a fluent presentation when people were starting at me）. Although I failed lots of time at the beginning, our my teacher never blamed me. A Few months later, I have become more confident and able to answer questions during the class.（大家看！最后这句话就很奇怪了，演讲能力在课上回答问题是两回事儿啊！因为上课回答问题answer questions不需要演讲能力！有很多同学会犯这样的错误，就是为了凑字数或者解释，总会写一些莫名其面的东西凑数，然后带来“逻辑”问题。）

In conclusion, it is reasonable to require students to learn public speaking. It can not only cultivate their confidence but also improve their competitiveness in the future.

我觉得这篇文章有很多地方值得很多同学注意的。

对于一个英语专业的学生，其实大家发现，她并没有使用出所谓“专业”英语的能力。

但是，值得一提的是，她的观点准确性和合理性很好。通过看第一句话，很多读者就能理解这一段可能要讲述的内容，这在effectively addressing the topic上是很容易得到加分的！因为很多很多国内的同学，观点都是又长又乱，深怕考官不知道该同学不会使用长难句或者从句一样，所以有很多同学的第一句话为了展示自己语言能力的强势，总喜欢把第一句话写的特别长。

希望大家引以为鉴，在平时的练习的是多注意“可能”丢分的地方。

写作很容易提分，只是千万别走错了路！