AIA03 欢迎修改my first issue essay

lindazhou

AIA3. “Government should place stricter limits on the ability of businesses to invade citizens’ privacy through telemarketing, E-mail, advertising, collection of personal information on consumers, and so on, even if those limits affect businesses’ profitability and competitiveness.”

Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the opinion stated above. Support your position with reasons and/or examples from your experience, observations, or reading. 政府是否应当更加严格限制企业通过各种渠道获取顾客的私人信息。

When people enter into information age in a highly advanced commercial world today, business tends to invade pepole’s personal life through telemarketing, E-mail, advertising, and collection of personal information on consumers to an unprecedented extent. People are exposed to tons of business information which is regraded as noise, through all kinds of media channels. At the same time, personal information is hunted and used as commercial data by companies in their business activities, and even sometimes, consumer personal information is shared or sold among companies. Thus a serious issue is raised---- How to protect and guarantee consumer’s citizen rights? Government should place stricter limits on the ability of businesses to invade citizens’ privacy, even those limits affect businesses’ profitability and competitiveness. This essay will examine this matter case by case.

                  

In the first place, a vast amount of business information disturbs people’s personal life very much, the mess status which should be interfered through legislation mechanism by government as market mechanisam can not adjust the business information invasion. All kinds of business organizations regard mass communication as the most effective competition method, and even sometimes as the only successful solution to win more consumers. Hence, companies prefer to make use of mass communication strategy, to deliver amounts of business information by various media channels to develop or mold consumers’ favor to their products, to defend rival’s commercial activities, and to weaken ‘noise’ from competitors. Then consumers are forced to face such information in all kinds of situations, even in their private lives. For example, in 2004 about 20% citizens in USA get over 30 commercial junck e-mails everyday. (我杜撰的) People spend a lot of time and money on avoiding these junk mails invasion. Therefore, commercial information invasion damages consumers’ citizen rights, and it continues to extend and exaggerate as commercial competition turns out to be increasingly intense today. It is obvious that government would have to forbid business information communications to invade people personal lives.

Moreover, the collection of personal information on consumers will threaten consumer privacy and financial security. This problem becomes very prominent as credit usage gets more popular and different industries ally in the context of worldwide. Companies collect consumers’ personal information, including both their demographic status and some relevant security information, such as income, financial status, and even credit account. Companies claim that they will keep good moral value to protect comsumers’ privacy in the course of collecting consumers’ data and that such data will be helpful to effective consumer management and to better consumers service. But actually consumers are much weakened in the bargain leverage as companies get whole information about consumers. And the financial security of consumers becomes a big social problem.

Consequently, I strongly approve to place stricter limits on the ability of businesses to invade citizens’ privacy, even if those limits affect businesses’ profitability and competitiveness. Given that business information invasion damage consumers and threaten their security on a severe degree and extent, government can do nothing except imposing stricter limits on business information invasion.

[此贴子已经被作者于2005-8-20 18:09:41编辑过]

sacrati

When people enter into information age in a （用the比较好，且觉得in the highly…放在people后面比较好，修饰紧跟）highly advanced commercial world today, business （用复数businesses比较好吧） tends to invade pepole’s （people） personal life ( lives ) through telemarketing, E-mail, advertising, and collection of personal information on consumers to an unprecedented extent. People are exposed to tons of business information which is regarded as noise, through all kinds of media channels. At the same time, personal information is hunted and used as commercial data by companies in their business activities, and even sometimes, consumer personal information is shared or sold among companies. Thus a serious issue is raised---- How to protect and guarantee consumer’s citizen rights? Government should place stricter limits on the ability of businesses to invade citizens’ privacy, even those limits affect businesses’ profitability and competitiveness. This essay will examine this matter case by case.

个人觉得你第一段写的太冗长了，觉得在概括原题内容上说的过多，展开的过多，个人觉得与其花很多时间在写第一段上，何不花在中间段呢。个人觉得你在写本文时，可以将写首段的精力放在多些一段中间段上，使中间段形成比较好的三段内容。不知你觉得如何呢？

In the first place, a vast amount of business information disturbs people’s personal life very much, the mess status which should be interfered through legislation mechanism by government as market mechanisam can not adjust the business information invasion. （觉得你第一句话当中的the mess status 可能本人不才，觉得放在这里不太明白它所处的位置，虽然后面用定语从句修饰，但是在整句句子中the mess status 充当的是宾语还是双重宾语，显得不是很清晰） All kinds of business organizations regard mass communication as the most effective competition method, and even sometimes as the only successful solution to win more consumers. Hence, companies prefer to make use of mass communication strategy, to deliver amounts of business information by various media channels, to develop or mold consumers’ favor to their products, to defend rival’s commercial activities, and to weaken ‘noise’ from competitors. Then consumers are forced to face such information in all kinds of situations, even in their private lives. For example, in 2004 about 20% citizens in USA get over 30 commercial junck e-mails everyday. (我杜撰的) 若是杜撰的，我觉得用中国的，而不是USA，个人觉得这样比较保险。不过USA其实也没什么大问题，在我看来 People spend a lot of time and money on avoiding these junk mails invasion. Therefore, commercial information invasion damages consumers’ citizen rights, and it continues to extend and exaggerate as commercial competition turns out to be increasingly intense today. It is obvious that government would have to forbid business information communications to invade people personal lives. 你这里lives用对了，但是其他有的地方你用的都是life，以后这种小毛病注意阿！：）

Moreover, the collection of personal information on consumers will threaten consumer （consumers’）privacy and financial security. This problem becomes very prominent as credit usage gets more popular and different industries ally in the context of worldwide. Companies collect consumers’ personal information, including both their demographic status and some relevant security information, such as income, financial status, and even credit account. Companies claim that they will keep good moral value to protect comsumers’ privacy in the course of collecting consumers’ data and that such data will be helpful to effective consumer management and to better consumers （helpful to +名词，有这样的用法吗？？可能有，但是我不知道，各位NN看到请指点阿）service. （同时觉得such data你为何不用定语从句之类的直接修饰在前面一个data后面呢） But actually consumers are much weakened in the bargain leverage as companies get whole information about consumers. And the financial security of consumers becomes a big social problem.

最后，个人觉得你可以总结一句，因此，政府应当采取行动之类的话

Consequently, I strongly approve to place stricter limits on the ability of businesses to invade citizens’ privacy, even if those limits affect businesses’ profitability and competitiveness. Given that business information invasion damage consumers and threaten their security on a severe degree and extent, government can do nothing except imposing stricter limits on business information invasion.

写的很不错啊，这篇文章是我当时考试的时候考的文章，嘿嘿。就你写的字数，绝对属于长的像高分的，500多字，好厉害。

不过个人觉得第一段可以少写一点，同时增加一段中间段，你中间段完全是从一个角度阐述的，我觉得你可以再加一段，进行让步，诸如只要不滥用，business的这种行为其实也有一定的好处等等之类的另外一个角度，稍稍让步一下，这样的话，个人觉得整篇文章的观点会显得考虑的比较全面。

以上是我个人看法，可能有的地方评价有失偏颇，欢迎你的讨论和反驳阿。呵呵。同时也欢迎其他人参与讨论阿。

sacrati

还有就是你的标题最好改一下，写成AIA03吧

麻烦了

lindazhou

thanks for your help. your smile is so charming.

第一段包括了两个分论点：a, business invasion 有害，浪费时间和金钱。B, business invasion 威胁个人财物安全和与公司议价的能力。 中间展开说了这两点。我也觉得把非论点放在开头不好， 我本来是将提议下这两个话题的。我的专业是管理，所以有很多想法，但在短篇幅里是说不清的，我有点lost了，最后也不了了之。花了1 and half hour . 第一次写，感觉语言单薄，写的时候向换换句式，词呀， 浪费时间之一； 思考得太多，太泛，抓不住重点，浪费时间之二；文章结构安排还不熟，浪费时间之三。

sacrati

就本人的建议：

思路多且深是好的，但是不要贪图把所有的都往上挤，你可以抓住一两个特别有闪光点且与文章结合紧密的论点将其发挥出来。往往这么一两个特别有吸引力的观点，可以成为获得高分的主要因素之一。毕竟考试是有时间的

同时在一开始写的时候可以多多考虑句式，用词多样性，建议一开始可以慢慢写，同时写完之后可以适当进行修改！等到渐渐形成一些模版或者用词，句式等一些习惯时，可以掐时写文章。同时建议采用填充式的方法，用自己平时积累的模版写好开头，每段的主论句，末段，然后进行填充，速度可以快很多！

以上是我的一些建议。你就仅供参考把，毕竟我也不是什么大牛人。同时请看到本贴的NN们有什么好建议多多说阿，我也好跟着楼主一起提高！！

lindazhou

i spent one morning to learn template. hehe. low efficient. continue to practice.

happyfish0517

加油哦~~

novice3

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