twe185,please

daddysgirl

twe185,plz

  If I had enough money to buy either a house or a business, I would chose to buy a business for the following reasons. It offers an opportunity to make a fortune equivalent of the value of a house. I can use the money more flexibly and make it my long term career.  

  First of all, It offers an opportunity to make a fortune equivalent of the value of a house. For instance, the profit I earned can offer to buy even a villa located in  beautiful surroundings. Moreover, it provides a great deal of advantages. For example, after owing a house to live, I can continuously run my business and plan to purchase another one.

  In addition, I can use the money more flexibly. For example, it is not necessary to put all amount of money into the business, some of which can then be used in purposes of other ways. Furthermore, it helps reduce the risks that may have in running a business. For instance, I can arrange the money to the investments of different kinds rather than having it trapped in one bet.

  Finally, I can make it my long term career. For example, once a good opportunity

knocks the door, I would catch it and schedule plans to develop my own career and make it more prosperous in the coming future.

  In summary, buying a business give a huge possibility to earn even more than a house. Furthermore, I can arrange the use of the money more flexibly and take it as a long term career. These are the reasons why I would buy a business instead of a house if I had enough money.      

dengsida

twe185,plz

  If I had enough money to buy either a house or a business, I would choose to buy a business for the following reasons. It offers an opportunity to make a fortune equivalent of(to) the value of a house.(可能我水平不够, 觉得读不大懂这句)  I can use the money more flexibly and make it(it会不会产生misunderstanding) my long term career.  (两句是否可以改成一句话)

  First of all, It offers an opportunity to make a fortune equivalent of the value of a house. For instance, the profit I earned can offer to buy even a villa located in beautiful surroundings. Moreover, it provides a great deal of advantages. For example, after owing a house to live, I can continuously run my business and plan to purchase another one. (有点太短了, 理由应该是否大一点. 比如有更大的财富, 可以满足更多需求, 再举例子说,买房, 有钱可以买自己想要的, 更好的等等.)

  In addition, I can use the money more flexibly. For example, it is not necessary to put all amount of money into the business, some of which(这里which用的好像有问题) can then be used in purposes of other ways. Furthermore, it helps reduce the risks that may have in running a business. For instance, I can arrange the money to the investments of different kinds rather than having it trapped in one bet.

  Finally, I can make it my long term career. For example, once a good opportunity knocks the door, I would catch it and schedule plans to develop my own career and make it more prosperous in the coming future.(是否改为强调工作带来成功感更为合适呢?)

  In summary, buying a business give a huge possibility to earn even more than a house. Furthermore, I can arrange the use of the money more flexibly and take it as a long term career. These are the reasons why I would buy a business instead of a house if I had enough money.      

整篇的代词有些指代不清, 建议自己先读读. 我没有很详细的修改语法.( 本人水平有限, 请各位大侠指点)

daddysgirl

many thanks!

daddysgirl

many thanks!

daddysgirl

what score may I get in a real exam?

thx!

brace

When will you take the test?

daddysgirl

may,12

how can I improve twe and enhance my score?

by the way

first time taking toefl

dengsida

well, I m not good at writing , so... hehe. But practice is the most inportant thing unless you are  NiuNiu.  hehe....

daddysgirl

Niu Niu?? what's that?

well, yah,proctice is necessary.