TWE 033第一次联系，请指教

cathyzimu

今天第一次开始练习作文，请大家多指教，谢谢了先！这次没有卡时间，写是用了33分钟，完了自己又检查了一下错误什么的

You have received a gift of money. The money is enough to buy either a piece of jewelry you like or tickets to a concert you want to attend. Which would you buy?

Everyone in this world likes to receive a gift especially a gift of money. I remember impressively how I felt when I received birthday gifts from both my parents and my friends on my birthday every year. Not only these precious presents make me enjoyable, but also their loves let me feel touched.

If I was given a gift of money, of course, I would be happy. Since as a student, I have limited savings to buy anything that I want. This gifted money perhaps can make me get some exorbitant things that I am unable to purchase, such as a computer, an expensive suit of dress, a travel check and may a piece of jewelry or a concert ticket.

To use this gifted money more meaningfully, however, I think I should take a serious consideration. Does buying a computer can bring happiness both to me and to my parents? Is a single travel check is all to me? I mean the most enjoyable thing is to share your precious things with others, like the birthday gifts make all of us comfortable and happy. Thus, I decide to buy a precious piece of jewelry as a present for my mother. It is she who should gain this beautiful and precious present in my family. She dedicates herself to our family, and she always bring us happiness, encourage, warmness and some presents, but she even never buys herself a piece of jewelry. So I want to buy a jewelry for my great mother. Besides, because I live so far away from my mother and cannot live with so often, I suppose every time she sees and wears this jewelry, she will feel my respect and love to her, and maybe can relive her miss. And I think this meaningful gift will definitely bring happiness both to my mother and to me.

Although the concert ticket is also tempting to me, especially I am a music lover and I like to listen to music which I like after all day work, I suppose my former choice will comfort me most. Sharing your gift with your loved ones may be the best gift.

brace

以下是引用cathyzimu在2005-3-25 19:48:00的发言：

今天第一次开始练习作文，请大家多指教，谢谢了先！这次没有卡时间，写是用了33分钟，完了自己又检查了一下错误什么的

You have received a gift of money. The money is enough to buy either a piece of jewelry you like or tickets to a concert you want to attend. Which would you buy?

Everyone in this world likes to receive a gift especially a gift of money. I remember impressively how I felt when I received birthday gifts from both my parents and my friends on my birthday every year. Not only these precious presents make me enjoyable, but also their loves let me feel touched.

If I was given a gift of money, of course, I would be happy. Since as a student, I have limited savings to buy anything that I want. This gifted money perhaps can make me get some exorbitant things that I am unable to purchase, such as a computer, an expensive suit of dress, a travel check and may a piece of jewelry or a concert ticket.

To use this gifted money more meaningfully, however, I think I should take a serious consideration. Does buying a computer can bring happiness both to me and to my parents? Is a single travel check is all to me? I mean the most enjoyable thing is to share your precious things with others, like the birthday gifts make all of us comfortable and happy. Thus, I decide to buy a precious piece of jewelry as a present for my mother. It is she who should gain this beautiful and precious present in my family. She dedicates herself to our family, and she always bring us happiness, encourage, warmness and some presents, but she even never buys herself a piece of jewelry. So I want to buy a jewelry for my great mother. Besides, because I live so far away from my mother and cannot live with so often, I suppose every time she sees and wears this jewelry, she will feel my respect and love to her, and maybe can relive her miss. And I think this meaningful gift will definitely bring happiness both to my mother and to me.

Although the concert ticket is also tempting to me, especially I am a music lover and I like to listen to music which I like after all day work, I suppose my former choice will comfort me most. Sharing your gift with your loved ones may be the best gift.

1. I do not recommend to use a lot of "I ", "you" as the reason for your essay. Try to use the third party, people, person, etc

2. The structure of the essay is not very comfortable. I think the reasons are not well illustrated.

I think the second and the third para are not well arranged.

My two cents

Veronica_Melody

agree~~!~

cathyzimu

谢谢，能具体讲一下有关对结构的认识吗？