请大家帮我看看这样回答口语第一题可以吗？

xiaotaiyang

如题，不管哪方面有问题，请大家尽量提！先在这里拜谢大家了：）

What event in your life made you very happy?

There are many events in my life made me very happy, but the most impressive event in my mind is that I received my admission of university after I graduated from high school, as far as I am  concerned, that is a turning point in my life ,and demonstrate that I will live a new life which more or less independent from my parents, I’m so happy because I have an opportunity to accept the further education along with other excellent students, the most important to me is I gained success by hard studying, confidence and persistent.

xiaotaiyang

满怀希望的上来看早上发的帖子，竟然回帖数还是个零蛋！５５５５～～～　　太伤心了！是不是写的水平太low了，大家看了后呕得没劲回帖了啊！

encyclopedia

口语最好说出来的吧，写的既没有时间压力，也不能体现语音语调语速音质和流利度等方面

个人感觉口语很重要的一个方面就是能否短时间内（15s）组织好语言并规划好如何最佳利用接下来的45s/60s

xiaotaiyang

是这样的，我看很多考过的人说感觉还可以，但是分数却不高，原因可能不是表达的不好，而是没有说到点。所以，我把要说的写出来让大家帮我看看这样说是否可以，没有一贯的firstly,secondly...，也没有for  example之类的例子，就是这样说下去的，不知道我这样的表述可不可以？

encyclopedia

by hard studying, confidence and persistent. 

是语法错误

别的我也不清楚哦