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yexianda

Which of the following would you change to improve your health:
1.the kind of food you eat
2. The amount of exercise
3. The amount of stress

As the development of the society, nowadays the people’s health is becoming more and more important and the health is priceless which we can’t buy. Many people now is annoying about the health which people can’t foresee. Why do we have to value health? Because health is so vital for us that should be taken care of, if we don’t have a good health, we can’t do other things, for instance, exercise, go shopping or work. So I will choose to overcome the amount of stress to improve my health.

Health is always related to the stress which accompanying us every day. People now teemed in an time with tense competition and under a huge pressure. After a whole day job or a period of work, there are a lot of ways to release. For instance, you probably make yourself drunk, go shopping crazily or bury yourself in a series of insane music, no matter what your decision is, you can prefer whatever you want. But the ultimate goal we want is to let the stress go, then we can have a great time and a good health.

However, stress sometimes comes from different directions and different ways. Let’s take a college student in art for example. He really favors art as much as sport. But the art is his major, in some degree, sport is not as important as art, only the art has the final decision to decide whether he can graduate from university. Most of people don’t have enough energies to do well two majors, then the stress comes indirectly, influencing mood, confidence and health. You have to do lots of homework about art whereas you have to professional exercise. Meanwhile also the personal space is needed by everyone, so you may get some bad habits, sleeping too late, eating disorder or so on. The conclusion is we have to overcome stress using right ways to be health.

In addition, positive should be kept all the time. One big laugh a day keeps the doctor away. keep positive online is so important, although we are going to face difficult we can’t solve, a belief always tells us bad things will be gone and become a passed, moving forward is the best choice. If we don’t let them go, only the desire we can acquire is misery. So why not do that? Only the positive people have, we can own a good health.

As a whole, to obtain health, there are a lot of ways. All roads lead to Rome. The better thing I can do is to overcome the stress by listening the music and by travelling around. The advantage of decrease pressure can make myself more energy, relaxing, and health.

yexianda

没有人么 。。。。。

特里凡得琅

yexianda 发表于 2013-6-30 11:36
没有人么 。。。。。

As the development of the society, nowadays the people’s health is becoming more and more important. And(前后表达的是不同的意群，而且后面那具你想强调health的重要性，所以应该在这断句，而不是and结构) the health is priceless which we can’t buy （个人偏好这种health is such a priceless treasure that we cannot buy）. Many people now is （are） annoying about the health (这儿是不是少了个issue，我理解是不能foresee的health issue) which people can’t foresee. Why do we have to value health? Because (这个because在这会导致句子不完整吧)health is so vital for us that should be taken care of（with no doubt可以加强一下）,（在这儿断句） if we don’t have a good health, we can’t do other things, for instance,（such as） exercise, go shopping（这应该是3个名词并列） or work. So 建议换成considering above factors之类的，用so开头有点儿囧）I will choose to overcome the amount of stress （among other choices题目里面还有其他方法，我觉得还是应该提到） to improve my health.

Health is always related to the stress which accompanying us every day （Stress, accompanying us all the time, is closely related with our health,要强调stress的话，用它做主语要好一些）. People now teemed(teem时态和now不匹配) in an （a）time with tense competition and under a huge pressure. After a whole day job or a period of work （At the end of a hard working day）, there are a lot of ways to release （这没写release神马呀， people need to release the pressure in various ways）. For instance, you probably make yourself drunk (不得不说这例子不太健康呀，最多是enjoy a shot of whisky，品酒和酗酒是两码事儿啊), go shopping crazily or bury（我不知道bury这个用法对不对，一般沉醉用intoxicate） yourself in a series of insane （为神马是insane） music, （在这儿断句，不然就run-on sentence了）no matter what your decision is, you can prefer whatever you want （不太懂这句话的作用啊）. But the ultimate goal we want is to let the stress go, （and）then we can have a great time and a good health.

However, stress sometimes comes from different directions and different ways （这里感觉direction和way重复了）. Let’s take a college student in art （要不这你还是写y friend who is a college student in art比较好，不然就变成了艺术学生的整体情况了）for example. He really favors art as much as sport. But the art is his major, in some degree, sport is not as important as art (这里是想表达因果还是对比关系呢？Art is his major that is of greater significance than sport) , (断句)only the art has the final decision to decide whether he can graduate from university （这句和上句是递进关系吧？Moreover, his achievement in art is the only criteria of his graduation）.（As） Most of people don’t have enough energies to do well two majors, then the stress comes indirectly, influencing mood, confidence and health (因果关系的句子最好不用then结构). You have to do lots of homework about art whereas （while，表同时的） you have to (do) professional exercise. Meanwhile also the personal space is needed by everyone, so you may get some bad habits, sleeping too late, eating disorder or so on.(为什么个人空间会导致坏习惯呢？而且这与你这段主题无关呀) The conclusion is we have to overcome stress using right ways to be health.

In addition, positive（positive做名词是表示正数，positive attitude要合适些） should be kept all the time. One big laugh a day keeps the doctor away. keep positive online （这online是啥意思，积极在线？）is so （quite好点，so一般都需要接that结构） important, although we are going to face difficulties we can’t solve, (断句)a belief always tells us （that） bad things will be gone and become a passed(passed是动词啊), （断句）moving forward is the best choice. If we don’t let them （them指代神马，前面木有先行词噢） go, only the desire we can acquire is misery. So why not do that? Only the positive people have（这句没看懂）, we can own a good health.

As a whole, to obtain health, there are a lot of ways. All roads lead to Rome. The better thing I can do is to overcome the stress by listening the music and by travelling around. The advantage of decrease pressure can make myself more energy, relaxing, and health.

我自己觉得可能需要改进几个问题
1.结构方面，说实话，分论点不太清晰，支撑分论点的描述性句子得加强下调理性，要理清自己每个句子的作用和逻辑关系
2.语句方面：注意断句，尤其是句号的使用。建议丰富下句式的多样化。还有就是注意表达逻辑关系的固定句式用法。

我也是刚开始复习托福，也木有怎么改过别人的文章，不知道这些意见对不对，你酌情研究啦••嘿嘿  加油咯

特里凡得琅

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