新人托福作文帖~~~

slhtzbpxz

新人托福准备上路！

junanita

亲  你忘了给我改作文了昨天。。。。

junanita

橘色是强烈建议，蓝色是建议，黄色是好用发哦


In this age, we are facing an era where the teamwork becomes unprecedently essential; Inextricabliy（inextricably译为‘两个事物紧密相连而不可分离的’，应该是用在‘连接（verb）’这个动词之前，eg inextricably mix up / link with /bound to/ tie to, 用在句首很奇怪，应该没有这样的用法吧，建议改一改）, we are confronted with a heated debate: Is the most important characteristic of a good political or business leader is the ability to take responsibility for mistakes? A majority of crowd hold the viewpoint that confessing fault is not the panacea for leadership whereas this statement is strongly opposed by numerous people who stress the significance of admitting mistakes. In personal view, I would advocate the former one since there are countless qualities which are weight more than being responsible to mistakes（for an excellent leader文章的大前提是qualities of leaders，所以一定要和leader扯上关系）. Among mountains of cases accounting for this, three most conspicuous ones will be illustrated.

To begin with, the first contributing point has to do with the wide range scope(range=scope 都是指范围，用wide-range就够了， 不然就重复) of knowledge. It is in （删）disputable that only（删） people with a full range of spectrum（亲可以查一查spectrum的意思，本来就含有range了。） are more able to integrate various information and proceed from(A proccess from B 代表着 B产生了A，不太明白亲在这里用是啥意思~) the whole situation when they make decisions. We can hardly（可以用Hardly can we） image a leader without any knowledge while the only thing he is adept as （删）is admitting his mistakes. This point is best demonstrated with（by） the case of Alexander III, had Aristotle not educated Alexander III on philosophy and political science, the latter would have been Alexander III instead of Alexander the great.（抱歉没看懂这句话。。。） It is a complete knowledge reserve Alexander obtains（啥意思？obtain只有verb的用法啊 ） enables him to gain insights into the complex world outside the campus, and to found a way out of his personal dilemma and confusion. To sum up, an abundance of knowledge is far more superior to admitting responsibility.

To add more credibility, another compelling reason lies in the social ability of leaders. Admittedly, social network is a（删） beneficial to a person’s sustained leadership development（the sustained leadership developmen of a person）. In this era of extraordinary sophistication and versatility, it is no exaggeration to say that a harmonious relationship with some powerful figures is undoubtedly needed for those leaders who are in charge of such big teams. Every time these leaders face difficulties, as an old saying vividly mentioned；‘The hero always appears at the critical point’.; then come their friends who can give a hand to and help them to overcome problems. For instance, Ida B wells, a famous human-rights campaigner, avoid multiple assassinations with the help of her friends instead of acknowledging faults. In short, social circle of friends is another element weighting more than confessing mistakes.(这段不是主要在说 social ability of leaders么？咋么突然跳到assistance from friends了？？亲的论据不能支持分论点啊！)

Another aspect should never be ignored is the comprehensive skills to solve the problem. Nowadays a large number of people tend to live under the illusion that honest and courage to confess faults mean（leads） a good leader. Obviously they fail to take into account that real wise leaders would not make the problem（有解决问题的能力不代表不产生问题吧？这句话好牵强，人无完人么毕竟。） at all. If leaders can solve problem in the first place, never need they expose to the public. In conclude, a person who can fix his mistakes is far better than a person who only knows to admitting his mistakes.

To put it into（一般用in） a nutshell, based on through analysis above（base on和through重复了吧，可以用Based on/Through the above analysis）, we can reasonably conclude that ability for take responsibilities is not the most important characteristic of an outstanding leader. Although there exist some reasons backing confessing faults for the core of leadership. However(亲，你这个however不会是接着前面的although的吧？吓了我一跳) , they pale in strength（有这样的用法么？这接种lack in strength吧） compared with favorable facts among which knowledge, social ability and coping capacity.


总体来说亲写的还是不错的，就是感觉有点像是词语难句的堆砌，长短交织的语言会比全篇使用长句要好哈（而且写长句一定要注意结构，亲的有些句子还会出现明显的两个动词啥的，哈哈，可以以后小注意一下下），以上都是个人意见~ 哈哈 要是有疑问咱们可以再讨论呢~

slhtzbpxz

08 11独立
With the unprecedented development of the modern society, education has become such a hot topic that causes grave concern. Inevitably, we are confronted with a heated debate: should school use limited budget focus on improving the food of cafe or social activity for students after school? A majority of crowd hold the viewpoint that it is more worthwhile to invest in children’s social activities while this statement is opposed by numerous people who stress the significance of the food issue. In personal view, I strongly advocate the former one. Among mountains of reasons accounting for this, three most conspicuous ones will be illustrated here.


To begin with, the first contributing point has to do with the wide scope of knowledge offered by social activities. Students nowadays are eager to improve their knowledge base since in this era of extraordinary sophistication and versatility, as they maintain, it is hard to overstate the significance of the knowledge. In order to widen students' horizon, social life which contacts manifold information resources becomes so important to provide individuals with favorable opportunities to acquire a wealth of knowledge and experience. Students are able to receive not only the theoretical principles and doctrines from teachers, but also the opinions that can be used to establish their own consideration system about the world. To sum up, it is no exaggeration to say that social engagements help students to obtain an abundance of information which can boost their competitiveness in the future.

To add more credibility, another equally compelling reason lies in the enlargement of the interpersonal network. Admittedly, students nowadays are facing an amount of stress unseen by any before generation. Students always immerse themselves in endless job tasks and feel lost with lingering loneliness and indifference. Social intercourse enables students to build a complete circle of friends. Through association with friends who are meaningful to them, students can achieve the sense of belong, love, companion and personal worth that are key factors leading to success. In short, to promote healthy relationship with others, engaging in social issues is an excellent vehicle to meet high-caliber people and cultivate friendships by communicating and exchanging ideas with them.


Another aspect should never be ignored is the misunderstanding of the weight of the café. Now there is a large number of people who tend to live under the illusion that meals offered by mess is of great importance to students’ physical fitness. Obviously they fail to take into account that students nowadays, as the time changes, no longer accept food café as their first choice. To save time and make changes, students prefer to order food from outside or just grab a bite on fast food. A recent survey released by BBC indicates that seventy percent of students prefer bringing food themselves or ear outside rather than eating at mess. In conclude, in this age where food is no longer favored, further more financial support is unworthy and meaningless.


To put in into a nutshell, based on detailed analysis above, we can easily conclude that investing social activities is much superior than financing food café. Although there exist some advantages of food café. However, they pale in strength compared with mountains of facts, among which the wide scope of knowledge, the enlargement of the interpersonal work and the lost of meanings of food café are the chief ones

slhtzbpxz

xiaxiaya 发表于 2013-8-10 23:00
求楼主帮忙给一下换词，换句的建议。。看看我的烂作文
http://forum.chasedream.com/thread-869037-1-1.htm ...

不好意思哈。。去做义工了。。等会儿就帮你改^_^

xiaxiaya

slhtzbpxz 发表于 2013-8-10 21:44
0809 独立

In this age, we are facing an era where the teamwork becomes unprecedently essential; Ine ...

晕。。刚改完。。看到楼主又发了修改版T.T明天再来膜拜吧，我今天的作业都没写。。

xiaxiaya

求楼主帮忙给一下换词，换句的建议。。看看我的烂作文
http://forum.chasedream.com/thread-869037-1-1.html

xiaxiaya

slhtzbpxz 发表于 2013-8-9 14:53
0809  写了点什么都不知道。。对不起帮我改作文的同学了~
In this age with our society has a considera ...

In this age with our society has a considerable leap in living standards, thus, education, as an essential topic, (感觉插入语有点多，开头句式简洁但不简单可能比较好一点~) has caused a grave concern ( 这个搭配我第一次见到~查了查果真有，收藏了……^^): Should a government focus its budget more on very young children education rather than on universities? ( 问句开头，改写题目，这个手法值得学习) A majority of crowd hold the viewpoint that universities are more worthwhile than kindergartens. On the other hand this statement is strongly opposed by numerous people who reckon that young children education outweighs than those colleges. In personal view, I would advocate the former one. Among mountains of reasons accounting for this, three most conspicuous ones will be illustrated here.

To begin with, the first contributing point is the fierce competition faced by our university students. Nowadays our students are confronted with (一个换词被发现！) an amount of pressure unseen by any before generation（知道楼主第三次尝试换词，可是这个读起来有点别扭，可能我看的作文太少了。。）. The competition for reputable schools,good internerships, promising jobs immerse individuals in endless tasks and does harm to their physical and mental fitness. All of this was caused by the scarcity of famous schools cannot afford the exceed demand of students ( afford demand这个搭配有点问题，韦氏词典里affordl两个义项，大概说来，一个是bear the cost, 另一个是provide。查了一下牛津搭配，meet, satisfy the demand可能更好一点~); Consequently, if more financial support can be developed by government to bring up more good schools, this problem would be substantially mitigated.

To add more credibility ( 这句话也第一次见~请教一下楼主，是什么意思呢？), another compelling reason lies in the maintainece of professors in universities. Nowadays there is accumulating (楼主的换词很丰富，但是这个我不知道是不是有“越来越多”的意思) evidence indicating that universities professor contributes the most in the advance of technology. However woefully we see a large number of schools are not able to afford the wage of professors because of the paucity of money, thus leading a great outflow of talent. It is hard to image（这句话的效果跟问句的效果一样，很强势） a school without substantial（这个？） schoolers（scholars） for the simple reason that those figures（楼主的换词真的很强，但是这个词是不是用得太大了？）, who are the backbone of the whole research, cannot be substituted by anyone else (原因说的有那么一点牵强，不过句式、短语搭配丰富~）. A survey released by BBC recently（这个引用例证的方法，收藏了！） claiming（claims） the number of teachers who quit（换词） from universities doubled in last year as they cannot obtain sufficient wages. （可能添加一个例子分析，再过度到后面的in short逻辑更连贯一点）In short, it is no exaggeration to say（又是强势句，收藏！） that government ‘s financial support can enable colleges to maintain more talented people.

Another aspect should never be ignored （作为定从插入语可能会让句子更清晰一点） is the value of universities compared with kindergartens. In this age with mislead of some medias, a host of people tend to live under the illusion that it is kid who is the hope of the society; it is the kid who hold the future（换词） of the human. Obviously they fail to take into account that children still have a long way to go before they become adults; there are still many changes can be made. （两个并列句显现换词换句的能力）In addition, parents toady usually pay much more attention on their children than before, putting kids in a favorable position to be good-cared（这个不定式是搭配来的吗？读起来有点别扭，说不出问题在哪里，因为这个搭配没见过^^楼主莫怪）. In contrast, students in colleges carry the future of the world, more and more burdens are thrown upon their shoulders（语法好像有一些问题）. Never should （这个是强调句式吗？请教楼主）we forget the essence of those young hopeful people, and the responsibilities of government to lend credence to（这个搭配是“作为佐证”的意思，是不是有点弄错了？） universities.

To put it into a nutshell （又学习了）, based on through （这里是不是本来要删掉的？）analysis above, we can safely conclude finanice （应该动名词吧~）universities is superior to finanice （应该动名词吧~） very young children education. Admittedly there exist some arguments stressing the significance of young children education. However they pale in strength compared with facts among which competition faced by our university students，the maintainece of professors in universities, and the value of universities compared with kindergartens

总的来说，在楼主这篇文章里学到很多换词和搭配，很多都是以前没见过的~~膜拜一下楼主了。
另外，就是感觉例子会少一点，明天我去琢磨一下OG，看看范文的例证的量是怎么样的。举例子同样也是我的弱项T.T。

不过楼主真的是语言运用能力比我强很多~学习了！
最后Sorry，楼主，今天第一次参加互改，好像弄错人了~本来一大早就上来打算改文章的，后来找错人了

slhtzbpxz

0810 独立

In this age, we are facing an era where the teamwork becomes unprecedently essential; Inextricabliy, we are confronted with a heated debate: Is the most important characteristic of a good political or business leader is the ability to take responsibility for mistakes? A majority of crowd hold the viewpoint that confessing fault is not the panacea for leadership whereas this statement is strongly opposed by numerous people who stress the significance of admitting mistakes. In personal view, I would advocate the former one since there are countless qualities which are weight more than being responsible to mistakes. Among mountains of cases accounting for this, three most conspicuous ones will be illustrated.

To begin with, the first contributing point has to do with the wide range scope of knowledge. It is in disputable that only people with a full range of spectrum are more able to integrate various information and proceed from the whole situation when they make decisions. We can hardly image a leader without any knowledge while the only thing he is adept as is admitting his mistakes. This point is best demonstrated with the case of Alexander III, had Aristotle not educated Alexander III on philosophy and political science, the latter would have been Alexander III instead of Alexander the great. It is a complete knowledge reserve Alexander obtains enables him to gain insights into the complex world outside the campus, and to found a way out of his personal dilemma and confusion. To sum up, an abundance of knowledge is far more superior to admitting responsibility.

To add more credibility, another compelling reason lies in the social ability of leaders. Admittedly, social network is a beneficial to a person’s sustained leadership development. In this era of extraordinary sophistication and versatility, it is no exaggeration to say that a harmonious relationship with some powerful figures is undoubtedly needed for those leaders who are in charge of such big teams. Every time these leaders face difficulties, as an old saying vividly mentioned；‘The hero always appears at the critical point’.; then come their friends who can give a hand to and help them to overcome problems. For instance, Ida B wells, a famous human-rights campaigner, avoid multiple assassinations with the help of her friends instead of acknowledging faults. In short, social circle of friends is another element weighting more than confessing mistakes.

Another aspect should never be ignored is the comprehensive skills to solve the problem. Nowadays a large number of people tend to live under the illusion that honest and courage to confess faults mean a good leader. Obviously they fail to take into account that real wise leaders would not make the problem at all. If leaders can solve problem in the first place, never need they expose to the public. In conclude, a person who can fix his mistakes is far better than a person who only knows to admitting his mistakes.

To put it into a nutshell, based on through analysis above, we can reasonably conclude that ability for take responsibilities is not the most important characteristic of an outstanding leader. Although there exist some reasons backing confessing faults for the core of leadership. However , they pale in strength compared with favorable facts among which knowledge, social ability and coping capacity.

slhtzbpxz

0809  写了点什么都不知道。。对不起帮我改作文的同学了~
In this age with our society has a considerable leap in living standards, thus, education, as an essential topic, has caused a grave concern: Should a government focus its budget more on very young children education rather than on universities? A majority of crowd hold the viewpoint that universities are more worthwhile than kindergartens. On the other hand this statement is strongly opposed by numerous people who reckon that young children education outweighs than those colleges. In personal view, I would advocate the former one. Among mountains of reasons accounting for this, three most conspicuous ones will be illustrated here.

To begin with, the first contributing point is the fierce competition faced by our university students. Nowadays our students are confronted with an amount of pressure unseen by any before generation. The competition for reputable schools,good internerships, promising jobs immerse individuals in endless tasks and does harm to their physical and mental fitness. All of this was caused by the scarcity of famous schools cannot afford the exceed demand of students; Consequently, if more financial support can be developed by government to bring up more good schools, this problem would be substantially mitigated.

To add more credibility, another compelling reason lies in the maintainece of professors in universities. Nowadays there is accumulating evidence indicating that universities professor contributes the most in the advance of technology. However woefully we see a large number of schools are not able to afford the wage of professors because of the paucity of money, thus leading a great outflow of talent. It is hard to image a school without substantial schoolers for the simple reason that those figures, who are the backbone of the whole research, cannot be substituted by anyone else. A survey released by BBC recently claiming the number of teachers who quit from universities doubled in last year as they cannot obtain sufficient wages. In short, it is no exaggeration to say that government ‘s financial support can enable colleges to maintain more talented people.

Another aspect should never be ignored is the value of universities compared with kindergartens. In this age with mislead of some medias, a host of people tend to live under the illusion that it is kid who is the hope of the society; it is the kid who hold the future of the human. Obviously they fail to take into account that children still have a long way to go before they become adults; there are still many changes can be made. In addition, parents toady usually pay much more attention on their children than before, putting kids in a favorable position to be good-cared. In contrast, students in colleges carry the future of the world, more and more burdens are thrown upon their shoulders. Never should we forget the essence of those young hopeful people, and the responsibilities of government to lend credence to universities.

To put it into a nutshell, based on through analysis above, we can safely conclude finanice universities is superior to finaniace very young children education. Admittedly there exist some arguments stressing the significance of young children education. However they pale in strength compared with facts among which competition faced by our university students，the maintainece of professors in universities, and the value of universities compared with kindergartens