[写作小分队] toefl草稿本

anafkn

初来乍到，打扰。如有犯规，求告知，立改正。
出国什么的是仓促决定，时间很赶，预计6月初考托。求保佑求笼罩啦。
谢谢！


内容：11 May 「Today」

Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Should parents spend more time on playing games or sports with children together or use the time to do something related to children’s study?
Integrated Writing：
TPO18


习作：

Independent writing:

with the speed of life in city and pressurefrom work growing continuously, It's getting more difficult for parents to find enough time staying with their children, so the communication content and method used during the precious time is being fully discussed. Someone said,parents should take the health and joy of children as the fundamental duty and doing sports or playing games with them is the best choice when getting together,However, I think something related to children's study should be assigned the priority for parents .

At the very beginning, what children really need fist is what parents should provide first. An important role of most Chinese children is student. Children, especially the younger kids, pay so much attention to their school performance as well as homework. So adults should bea powerful support to help children dealing with all kinds of problems related to their study, which is not only the difficult questions on paper, but also frustrations or bad emotions taken from school. If a child cannot recover from the endless work or failure on exams, he will not have the motivation to play games or do sports with parents, too. Therefore, study related topic is the basic part parents should care to satisfy the need of children.

Second, study assistance first will benefit parents onthe other hand, creating a better image for them. For instance, when trying to playing with me when I am young, the role of my father in a game like playing mud is just a play partner who was not fully skilled or even impatient in this kind of children-suited game, and thus the rare communication chance brought us nothing but embarrassment. This kind of failed interaction will apparently damage the image of parents in children's minds. Referring to study, nevertheless, parents have their own advantages at most times. They can easily find out the answer of question which may be regarded as a world-class problem in children's eyes, or they are able to provide useful guidance to the problem-solving direction like a captain, which is just a role nearly every boy dreams of. Therefore,focusing on study will benefit parents on their image development.

Finally, a common and related topic with good image of two parties will inevitably create a harmonious and high-efficient communication for the whole family. When parents and children have the same goal they are concerned, work together and produce good outcome,the extrinsic achievement like study ability will bring about an intrinsic sense of achievement for all people, enhancing emotion communication and attachment among them, and create a positive communicating environment. As a result, the whole family will be a good team and get improvement through spending time onstudy together.

In a sum, I believe that parents use the sparedtime to do something related to children’s study is a good choice for bothchildren, parents, as well as the family as a whole.

TPO18

Pointing to the three options mentioned topreserve the Torreya in the text, the lecturer refutes that none of these suggestions can be a satisfactory solution.

First, the lecturer claims that reestablishing Torreya in the same location as the way mentioned in the passage will not be successful. She says the microclimate in the location has been strongly affected by an overall climate change in larger area due to global warming or wetland being drained. Therefore, the habitat of Torreya has been drier and warmer, and not favorable to the tree's growth now.

Second, the reading material suggests moving Torreya to other places, but the lecturer takes the migration of black locus tree as an example to prove that this method is dangerous. After being moved to an entirely different location in north, the black locus tree spreadso quickly that it killed off other trees and plants in this area, and some endangered local plants are even getting extinct. Therefore, the lecturercontends that assisted migration of the tree may bring about unexpected outcome.

Finally, the lecturer has a contradictory view towards the idea that Torreya can be preserved in research centers. Only the population of Torreya is large enough with genetic diversity can this species resist disease and keep sustainably existing. The research center has limited capacity to maintain the Torreya compared with the wild area, so the third option is out of use, too.

sherlock1992

听说某人封笔退隐了，某人加油，看好你哦！

cquzyr

anafkn 发表于 2013-6-7 22:58
懂的，写的时候也有点轻微不适，好像地点突然间换了，中间可能应该加一句过渡，even if the virus is help ...

我每次都写不出来，求破……

anafkn

Alisa3014 发表于 2013-6-8 11:37
There is an old Chinese saying (As the old saying goes): the nail that sticks up mostly gets hammere ...

谢谢~~改的好细，感动~~~~
there is an old saying:as an old saying goes一样的
middle corse……其实是瞎编的orz……因为不知道中庸肿么写咯……谢谢建议
nowadays可以放在后面
as a giant production machine修饰社会：“作为巨大的生产机器”，出处是想到社会化大生产（好吧，其实也是我编的……）
furthermore那段的建议，我倾向于原句，因为是一方面，另一方面的解释（嗯，应该在句末加一个“on the other hand”）
谢谢again

Alisa3014

There is an old Chinese saying (As the old saying goes): the nail that sticks up mostly gets hammered down. Reagrding difference as badness, most Chinese are prone to being like others and claim that the middle course (查了一下，middle course 是“中间道路”的意思，用middle range 是不是好点，另外考虑到后面是way to success, 在middle之前加being in会不会好些) is the safest and basic way to success. However, in my view, this kind of choice can help nothing about （contributes nothing to） success but undermine the uniqueness of your value (your uniqueness), the opportunity to get appreciation and the courage to walk your own way.

First and foremost, the difference from others in a certain field or skill is the key component of a person’s value. The one gets paid most(earns the highest salary) in a company is not the most hard-working guy but the person who provides views or products with his unique analysis or creativity nowadays(时间状语前置否？), like senior analyst, or the fund manager. Because what the society recognizes most as a giant production machine（没看懂。。） is your personal irreplaceable function in it, instead of being a duteous but duplicated screw.

On the other hand, holding the different view instead of saying what everyone says is the success itself sometimes. History has witnessed scientists struggling against the old theory system from generation to generation (generation by generation). Without the courage of scientists to putting forward the total different even "ridiculous” view at the (a) certain period, people will never be aware ( aware of some truths like) that the earth is round, or the space can be twisted, and the name of Galileo or Einstein will never be shining on (in) the science history.

Furthermore, success is associated with both aptitude and attitude. While the difference in aptitude leads to the outstanding role in a stage as mentioned above, the attitude of being and keeping different is the access to the highlight stage. (Not only difference in aptitude leads to the outstanding role in a stage as mentioned above, but also attitude of being and keeping different is the access to the highlight stage.) Although it is really easier to get hammered down, being the nail that sticks up also attracts more people, especially the upper, who may get interests (??)  and provide help. There are so many active young entrepreneurs positively showing their personal characteristics and ambitions and finally getting (got) the start fund from VC or PE as their first and key step to (of) legend.

Being different needs courage since you may come on a way alone to an unknown destination accompanied by laughter and doubts from others. But the name of the destination may be success rather than mediocrity as most people choose, because you are the only one with indispensable ability and attitude in the tremendous world.

第一次改作文，就沿用lz给我改的时候用的批注方法了~
红色修改，蓝色建议，高亮表赞

1. 第一个分论点的例子可以再具体一点

2. 最后一个分论点是想说保持与他人的不同时成功之道？

3. 亮句多，最喜欢结尾段的第一句~~很赞！开头那句谚语也很好。

小生不才，写作经验尚少，总结性的话就不说了，文章局部的修改建议定是尽心尽力！有错的地方多多包涵，一起加油~

abbyseven

anafkn 发表于 2013-6-6 23:55
orz……亲，难道木有错吗………………

啊啊啊，我贴了错误的地方啊，结果没显示 囧 等等 我明天再认真听一遍 说实话 我听了几遍啊 觉得你的细节很多很详细了 不是说 综合的话 细节就是王道么  

anafkn

cquzyr 发表于 2013-6-7 21:45
哦是我描述有误。。。就是对于SOUTH AMERICA而言啦，ct是本地种嘛，会在种间传播，但是全文都在讲AUS，只 ...

懂的，写的时候也有点轻微不适，好像地点突然间换了，中间可能应该加一句过渡，even if the virus is helpful for the protecion of Australia, it will bring about more serious problems in south america on the other hand.
不过好长啊……一来因为木有时间了（写了那么久才发现……原来综合是……20分钟的……）；二来……懒了……对了亲，我是不是改了你的综合——你要不要考虑再动动笔呀，那篇其实……字数上不知道够不够呢，有点偏简单了。

cquzyr

anafkn 发表于 2013-6-7 21:15
不是咯，就是修饰cane coad,它会供给cane toad,后者就是一本土物种，并对当地生态系统至关重要 ...

哦是我描述有误。。。就是对于SOUTH AMERICA而言啦，ct是本地种嘛，会在种间传播，但是全文都在讲AUS，只是觉得用SA那里做定语的话描述ct是本地物种会造成传播看起来会和谐一点（在理解方面），木有说句子有错哈。

anafkn

cquzyr 发表于 2013-6-7 21:00
TPO15

The lecturer contradicts that all of the three ways to stop the growth of cane toads in Aust ...

不是咯，就是修饰cane coad,它会供给cane toad,后者就是一本土物种，并对当地生态系统至关重要

cquzyr

TPO15

The lecturer contradicts that all of the three ways to stop the growth of cane toads in Australia will be unsuccessful or cause unwanted damage and gives her explanations.

First of all, the lecturer contends that the national fence（个人觉得是defence 生物防御用defence）will not be so helpful to prevent the spread of cane toad as what the reading says. Because young toads and cane toad eggs are living in the stream, they can flowing from one place to another through this waterway far beyond the control of defence which can only prevent a few toads establishing their new habitats on other sites.

Second, the lecturer doubts the ability of these untrained volunteers to distinguish the difference between the cane toads and many Australian native frogs, especially when they are too young. And blind capture may destroy the population of the innocent native frog species, some of which has been endangered.

Finally, the disease-causing virus will bring about terrible consequence to the original habitat, like South America. According to the lecturer, it is quite easy for the virus to migrate to South America through researchers or pet collectors and attack the cane toad, which is the native species and is vital to the local ecosystem(看起来是修饰cane toad的，但是怎么说感觉很奇怪，如果是想表达对当地物种造成生物入侵的话，定语是不是修饰south America更好一些呢？……不确定……). Therefore, developing a disease-causing virus will eventually devastate the ecological system in South America.

In a sum, the lecturer disputes each of the methods to stop the cane toad in Australia in the text and concludes that defences, volunteers and virus are either useless or dangerous.