暑假再战托福~~~作文贴，求批改+指点

艾米果果

天道酬勤，加油O(∩_∩)O

艾米果果

geminilee 发表于 2013-7-23 22:38
高亮没显示，好吧。。。。废了一番苦心。。。

3Q，高亮的话你别成word里面直接粘过来，你点回复栏右上角的高级模式，在这里面可以显示高亮

geminilee

高亮没显示，好吧。。。。废了一番苦心。。。

geminilee

To increase the economic growth, government can neglect environmental growth

Weak spending, high umemployment and persistent inflation have bothered governments all around the world since the financial crisis in 2008. To change the situation, governments spare no efforts to promote the economic development. Consequently,less attention and fiscal funding are paid on environmental issue. Considering the priority of a government is to serve overall citizens, it is unacceptable to boost the economic (economy) at the cost of neglection of environment.

To begin with, it is of urgency to improve the environment, in that the environment deterioration has an adverse impact on human health. The rivers are not as clean as they used to be. Industrial effluent from chemical factories is discharged into rives directly, increasing the risk of cancer (这里增加cancer eruption的风险似乎比cancer的风险更贴切) among the residence along these rives. The air is no longer clean, due to the pollutant from modern transportations, especially from gas-power cars. Exhaust from these cars contains chemical waste, which induces respiratory disease (chemical waste里包含respiratory disease, 逻辑有点问题吧). Nobody will forget what happened in Los Angeles in 1955. Photochemical smog led more than 400 older people died (led the death of more than 400 older people), and more people suffered from heat attach (heat attach是啥意思) and felt breathless. That is to say the status quo is so severe that the government is supposed to take into action to improve the environment rather than only preoccupy (这个词不认识，金山词霸了一下，是使...全神贯注或占据...思想，用在这是不是意思不对) with money.

Further, unlike the economy, the majority of whose achievement is snatched by the minority of people, environment improvement benefits both the haves and have-nots. By spending money in improving the environment, the river becomes clean and everyone can appreciate its beauty. Also, if the air becomes refreshing, everyone can breathe it. However, if government only focuses on boosting economy, it is highly possible that the richer (rich) become richer, while the poor become poorer. Ironically, only small proportion of population is wealthy people. As the famous slogan in the Occupy Wall Street protest:" we are the 99%"

Finally, I have to point out that environment improvement will also boost the environment (这里是economy吧，environment的分论点就和下面的论证mismatch了). The better the environment is, the more appealing it will be to the investor. Nobody would like to work in bad condition. Some companies will move in, which means a large amount of employees are needed. The employees would be drawn from local population, raising employment rate. Moreover, with the stable income people will be willing to consume, thus further stimulating economy (economic) growth.

To sum up, in order to make all citizens live healthier, better serve all citizens,as well as build up their pocket, government had better insist to promote environmental growth even if spuring economic growth requires a lot of efforts and funding (even if是不是有点问题，没看明白).  

总结：LZ词汇量不错，语法工地也很好，不过有些句子写得理解上有些困难，当然，我是菜鸟，可能水平有限。不过，有个建议，main point和sub-points可以写得简单点，让人能快速明白主旨。

艾米果果

7.21 独立
To increase the economic growth, government can neglect environmental growth

Weak spending, high umemployment and persistent inflation have bothered governments all around world since the financial crisis in 2008. To change the situation, governments spare no effort to promote the economic development. Consequently,less attention and fiscal funding are paid on environmental issue. Considering the priority of a government is to serve overall citizens, it is unacceptable to boost the economic at the cost of neglection of environment.

To begin with, it is of urgency to improve the environment, in that the environment deterioration has an adverse impact on human health. The rivers are not as clean as they used to be. Industrial effluent from chemical factories is discharged into rives directly, increasing the risk of cancer among the residence along these rives. The air is no longer clean, due to the pollutant from modern transportations, especially from gas-power car. Exhaust from these cars contains chemical waste, which induces respiratory disease. Nobody will forget what happened in Los Angeles in 1955. Photochemical smog led more than 400 older people died, and more people suffered from heat attach and felt breathless. That is to say the status quo is so severe that the government is supposed to take into action to improve the environment rather than only preoccupy with money.

Further, unlike the economy, the majority of whose achievement is snatched by the minority of people, environment improvement benefits both the haves and have-nots. By spending money in improving the environment, the river becomes clean and everyone can appreciate its beauty. Also, if the air becomes refreshing, everyone can breathe it. However, if government only focuses on boosting economy, it is highly possible that the richer become richer, while the poor become poorer. Ironically, only small proportion of population is wealthy people. As the famous slogan in the Occupy Wall Street protest:" we are the 99%"

Finally, I have to point out that environment improvement will also boost the environment. The better the environment is, the more appealing it will be to the investor. Nobody would like to work in bad condition. Some companies will move in, which means a large amount of employees are needed. The employees would be drawn from local population, raising employment rate. Moreover, with the stable income people will be willing to consume, thus further stimulating economy growth.

To sum up, in order to make all citizens live healthier, better serve all citizens,as well as build up their pocket, government had better insist to promote environmental growth even if spuring economic growth requires a lot of efforts and funding.  

applesoforever

高亮终于可以显示了。。。

applesoforever

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Working at home using computers or telephones is better than working in the office. With the boom of technological innovation, there is a dramatic shift in the way people communicate with others. One, living in New York City, only need to pick up the phone, press some buttons and has a pleasure(去掉以构成pick,press,chat并列)chat with his friend who has his college life in Seattle. Although telecommuting becomes increasingly common in many industries, the conclusion that telecommuting is superior to working in the office is biased, thus it is unacceptable to me. To begin with, advocators of telecommuting may claim that working at home is cost-efficient. Admittedly, telecommuting benefits the companies from cutting down expenditures in office rent, but they fail to take the initial cost along with telecommuting into consideration. A company which decides to switch from the tradition way into telecommuting is supposed to equip its employees with computers and pay exorbitant communication fees. Such expenditures are so huge that cannot be neglected. To some companies the cost is not confined to what mentioned above. For instance, a clothing design company should sent the half-finished sample to the designer's home to make sure whether he(he/she) is satisfied with the sample. If the designer thinks it is necessary to modify this sample, the process mentioned above will be repeated many times. Further, telecommuting has an adverse impact on the work efficiency, in that the employers cannot regulate and supervise the employees if they work separately. Without the pressure from their boss, there is no doubt that the employers will not work as hard as they are supposed to be. A fan of baseball could turn on the TV and watch the Yankee's game, while his leader may think that he is working hard in front of a computer. Or one might press the keyboard with his mouth filled with Subway's hamburger. Nevertheless, similar things would not happen if all people work in the office. Last but not the least, telecommuting puts the company on the（at） risk in divulging core information. In this information-intensive society, information and data are viewed as strategic assets. Nearly every company spares no effort to protect these assets. However, the computer at home is uses both privately and for work(privately和for work不平行). If the computer is infected with computer virus, it is highly possible that information in the computer will lost, which is definitely a disaster to a company. A survey from the Information Weekly shows that the computer virus and hacker attack have led to 1.5 trillion dollars loss to companies around world. To sum up, I disagree with the statement that telecommuting surpasses traditional office work, even though telecommuting brings convenience to us, but working in office is still a more economical, efficient and safe(好，跟前面分论点对应) way. 总结： 1.例子举得细致，好。 2.用词不错。 3.论证没问题。 4.学习了。

艾米果果

5.16 独立
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Working at home using computers or telephones is better than working in the office.
With the boom of technological innovation, there is a dramatic shift in the way people communicate with others. One, living in New York City, only need to pick up the phone, press some buttons and has a pleasure chat with his friend who has his college life in Seattle. Although telecommuting becomes increasingly common in many industries, the conclusion that telecommuting is superior to working in the office is biased, thus it is unacceptable to me.

To begin with, advocators of telecommuting may claim that working at home is cost-efficient. Admittedly, telecommuting benefits the companies from cutting down expenditures in office rent, but they fail to take the initial cost along with telecommuting into consideration. A company which decides to switch from the tradition way into telecommuting is supposed to equip its employees with computers and pay exorbitant communication fees. Such expenditures are so huge that cannot be neglected. To some companies the cost is not confined to what mentioned above. For instance, a clothing design company should sent the half-finished sample to the designer's home to make sure whether he is satisfied with the sample. If the designer thinks it is necessary to modify this sample, the process mentioned above will be repeated many times.

Further, telecommuting has an adverse impact on the work efficiency, in that the employers cannot regulate and supervise the employees if they work separately. Without the pressure from their boss, there is no doubt that the employers will not work as hard as they are supposed to be. A fan of baseball could turn on the TV and watch the Yankee's game, while his leader may think that he is working hard in front of a computer. Or one might press the keyboard with his mouth filled with Subway's hamburger. Nevertheless, similar things would not happen if all people work in the office.

Last but not the least, telecommuting puts the company on the risk in divulging core information. In this information-intensive society, information and data are viewed as strategic assets. Nearly every company spares no effort to protect these assets. However, the computer at home is uses both privately and for work. If the computer is infected with computer virus, it is highly possible that information in the computer will lost, which is definitely a disaster to a company. A survey from the Information Weekly shows that the computer virus and hacker attack have led to 1.5 trillion dollars loss to companies around world.

To sum up, I disagree with the statement that telecommuting surpasses traditional office work, even though telecommuting brings convenience to us, but working in office is still a more economical, efficient and safe way.

anafkn

艾米果果 发表于 2013-5-12 21:58
现在还没有计时写哈，现在一计时就写成全部是口水话了，所以还要多积累好吃好句再计时吧~~~~~~我在CD上遇 ...

酱紫哦……那我也不记时吧，一记时就虎头蛇尾了QAQ（11号的那篇结尾，lz懂的）
学到啦！谢谢！
又及：帖子里的各种字体和颜色在回复栏的“高级模式”里有，能保留高亮和各种颜色。

艾米果果

anafkn 发表于 2013-5-12 13:14
作文修改from anafkn
5.11 独立写作
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

现在还没有计时写哈，现在一计时就写成全部是口水话了，所以还要多积累好吃好句再计时吧~~~~~~我在CD上遇到一个超好心的大牛，他的作文练习贴很值得学习，你可以去里面学他的用词http://forum.chasedream.com/thread-804453-1-1.html