asd 的作文贴，希望互相提高

45573asdasd

本人国家级运动员，求学路上顺风顺水，但是这也是我的软肋，因为一路太顺导致我基础很差，接触托福开始我才知道真正的努力所带来的心灵的磨练。杀t 3次： 分别为83，90，94。作文总是徘徊在22左右。 因为和各位有着同样的梦想，我来到了这里。希望在这里和大家互相提高。我知道我的分数并不算高，但是一个体育生都能在最头疼的学习上慢慢的提高，你又怎么可能放弃呢？ 在一月12号前我尽量每天都写
（追梦成功~希望各位加油啊~）

perfectends

备注：

红色：修改
绿色高亮：赞。

In this society which iswith all kinds of pressure, people have to find themselves ways to relax andrelieve the stress. Movies are an indispensable element for this goal since high-quality moviesoften can be useful in many aspects.As the question goes, however, are moviesworth watching only when they can inspire us something in reality?  For mypart, well,I hold the totally opposite opinion. I think movies are worthwatching no matter it they can teach us something or not. My reasonsfollowing will substantiatemy point of view in detail.

To begin with, as what has been mentioned before,we are encountered withmany problems which makes us upset and disappointed. Have you ever felt sadwhen your work was turned down by employers or experienced something similar?If you have so, I think you might stand on my side that we are living in asociety which is full of pressure and desperation. To our luck, we have manyways to entertainourselves, and movies come to people's eye-sights.Comedy films is an elementarytype of film, and it just (建议改为exactly，更书面化) satisfy people's demand. when we We want to escape fromthe high-pressure daily life and laugh like a child. Even if comedy films areseldom practical, we always watch them. because wWhat we want is happiness.

In addition,today's nowadays people are always chasingthe high-quality life style. Just , so only meeting the basicneed is not enough. What we want more is the visual satisfaction. Some moviesare so delicate becausethey contain many beautiful and spectacular pictures. When we watch them, we can feel the beautyof the nature, preople or even the outspace. I might cite an excellent moviewhich is about marine creatures as an example, the OCEAN. There is no plot orany actors in the movies, even no narrators. The only thing it has is thedescription of the beautiful sea animals and their habitats. Obviously it isnot so practical since we might have even no single chance to dive into thedeep sea in our whole life, but people just can not help buying tickets to seeit. I attribute OCEAN’s success to its pictures which meet people's demand, thevalue of beauty.

There is no denying that if we can learn somethingin the movies, it will be so nice that we might use the knowledge provieded byfilms. But I think we also need to tease(你的意思应该不是自我解嘲之类，虽然词比较高级，但选词感觉欠妥，建议改为entertain)ourselves and see the beauty ofthe world. Probably these factors are equal to, or even outweigh the practical knowledge.So I stillhold my unequivocalopinion that movies are worth watching not only wjhen they can teach us something.


总体行文逻辑和观点都比较明确，也使用到不少高级词汇，但是问题比较多的是连接词的缺少，另外有一个词个人认为选词还需斟酌，但估计因为使用的是高级词汇就算用错也不会特别丢分。

45573asdasd

谢谢007啊，我也觉得第三段着急了，但是吧，30分钟让我写，也就这水平了。顺便给今晚的队友提个醒，我的作文在前一页呢~~

wsxz007

As the velocity of the modern people's daily life gets higher, not only the individuals but also the government are encountered with different choices. Just as the question goes, is it more important for governments to build more museums and music centers than to build physically recreational devices which can entertain citizens? It is indeed a thorny question because different people would uphold different opinions. While for me,I hold the unequivocal idea that the recreational facilities enjoy a higher level of significance. My reasons following will substantiate my viewpoint in detail.


首段干净利落，观点明确，赞一个


To begin with, it does not require much intelligence to ascertain that the most important treasure for people is good health. just as the proverb goes that health is the ladder on which other happiness could climb. Governments should focus more energy and attention on the citizens' health condition. The recreational facilities are just right things which can help the Government achieve this goal. Moreover, some statistics will be very useful to illustrate the importance of these devices. A recent survey conducted by Chinese People Health Agency(CPHA) indicates that among the world,people in the countries which with adequate recreational devices lives longer than those who lives in poor recreational devices equiped countries. So in term of the most precious thing-health, I think devices outweigh the art museums.



第一点说明健康的重要性，是幸福的基础，体育设施可以帮人们达到目标——重要

In addition, it is the government that can benefit from the recreational facilities since people can get good health by relaxing themselves and doing exercises, therefore giving rise to a low disease rate. That means the government can save a great deal of financial budget from medical care for other things, even for building the art museums. By contrast, the art museums and musical center will be burdens for the government in that the high prices of these activities always keep people away. （这句的逻辑不是很清晰，艺术消费高票价看的人少导致政府投资负担——木有必然联系，中间少一个逻辑桥接（成本回收），是我们自HIGH的想法，人不去消费顶多是浪费，记得老师说过米国人的思维每次只拐一个弯）虽然不必考虑那么深，但我对题目的理解是政府兴建哪个设施更好，分论点最好都是围着设施转。Moreover, in today's society which is suffering the financial recession, people seldom have the luxury to see the musical plays. Who will pay for all these? the government of course.逻辑链衔接有点远


第二点：人健康政府受益，同时指出艺术消费价格高，人们不去，艺术消费是奢侈品，投资后给政府带来负担。



这一段写的有点着急吧，前面的“健康——政府受益”感觉是对上一段的延续，和后面的“艺术消费高，政府（收不回成本）经济负担大”看着没啥联系哦……


From all aspects taken into consideration carefully, I can draw the very conclusion that it is more vital for government to build the recreational devices than to build the art museums or musical centers. Some one may disagree with me, arguing that people can expand their eyesights and get a deeper understanding of the beauty provided by the art works and music. This is what I can not deny, but they ignore the fact that the health and the financial benefit are the most favorable things for a harmonious society. So I can always maintain my opinion that governments should build more recreational facilities.

从结论看，你的分论点是健康和财政效益（感觉后者没太说出来）。



英文表达好纯熟啊，我望尘莫及，以此为榜样，奋起直追。有些好句子我留下观摩了。（稿费找版主支付吧 哈哈哈）

45573asdasd

In this society which is with all kinds of pressure, people have to find themselves ways to relax and relieve the stress. Movies are an indispensable element for this goal since high-quality movies often can be useful in many aspects.As the question goes, however, are movies worth watching only when they can inspire us something in reality?  For my part, well,I hold the totally opposite opinion. I think movies are worth watching no matter it can teach us something. My reasons following will substantiate my point of view in detail.

To begin with, as what has been mentioned before, we are encountered with many problems which makes us upset and disappointed. Have you ever felt sad when your work was turned down by employers or experienced something similar? If you have so, I think you might stand on my side that we are living in a society which is full of pressure and desperation. To our luck, we have many ways to entertain ourselves, and movies come to people's eye-sights.Comedy films is an elementary type of film, and it just satisfy people's demand. We want to escape from the high-pressure daily life and laugh like a child. Even if comedy films are seldom practical, we always watch them. What we want is happiness.

In addition, today's people are always chasing the high-quality life style. Just meeting the basic need is not enough. What we want more is the visual satisfaction. Some movies are so delicate because they contain many beautiful and spectacular pictures. When we watch them, we can feel the beauty of the nature, preople or even the outspace. I might cite an excellent movie which is about marine creatures as an example, the OCEAN. There is no plot or any actors in the movies, even no narrators. The only thing it has is the description of the beautiful sea animals and their habitats. Obviously it is not so practical since we might have even no single chance to dive into the deep sea in our whole life, but people just can not help buying tickets to see it. I attribute OCEAN’s success to its pictures which meet people's demand, the value of beauty.

There is no denying that if we can learn something in the movies, it will be so nice that we might use the knowledge provieded by films. But I think we also need to tease ourselves and see the beauty of the world. Probably these factors are equal to, or even outweigh the practical knowledge.So I still hold my unequivocal opinion that movies are worth watching not only they can teach us something.

45573asdasd

As the velocity of the modern people's daily life gets higher, not only the individuals but also the government are encountered with different choices. Just as the question goes, is it more important for governments to build more museums and music centers than to build physically recreational devices which can entertain citizens? It is indeed a thorny question because different people would uphold different opinions. While for me,I hold the unequivocal idea that the recreational facilities enjoy a higher level of significance. My reasons following will substantiate my viewpoint in detail.

To begin with, it does not require much intelligence to ascertain that the most important treasure for people is good health. just as the proverb goes that health is the ladder on which other happiness could climb. Governments should focus more energy and attention on the citizens' health condition. The recreational facilities are just right things which can help the Government achieve this goal. Moreover, some statistics will be very useful to illustrate the importance of these devices. A recent survey conducted by Chinese People Health Agency(CPHA) indicates that among the world,people in the countries which with adequate recreational devices lives longer than those who lives in poor recreational devices equiped countries. So in term of the msot precious thing-health, I think devices outweigh the art museums.

In addition, it is the government that can benefit from the recreational facilities since people can get good health by relaxing themselves and doing exercises, therefore giving rise to a low disease rate. That means the government can save a great deal of financial budget from medical care for other things, even for building the art museums. By contrast, the art museums and musical center will be burdens for the government in that the high prices of these activities always keep people away. Moreover, in today's society which is suffering the financial recession, people seldom have the luxury to see the musical plays. Who will pay for all these? the governemnt of course.

From all aspects taken into consideration carefully, I can draw the very conclusion that it is more vital for government to build the recreational devices than to build the art museums or mucical center. Some one may disagree with me, arguing that peopel can expand their eyesights and get a deeper understanding of the beauty provided by the art works and music. This is what I can not deny, but they ignore the fact that the health and the financial benefit are the most favorable things for a harmonious society. So I can always maintain my opinion that governemnts should build more recreational facilities.

1369179610

Recently, a controversial issue has been brought into our eye-sights that whether the patience does no good to us? Should we just take action instantly? There are thousand Hamlets in one thousand people's eyes just as ShakeSpeare once said. for me, from all aspects, I hold my unshakable opinion that patience always has an positive effect on us. My reasons following will substantiate my viewpointin detail.

To begin with, it is universally acknowledged that patience makes masterpieces. It is obvious that many inventions and decisions which affect us a lot are the productions of the patience. let me take the indispensable invention bulb as an example. The inventor of the bulb Edisontried millions of times and finally refined one of his most famous invention which also bring us to a lighter（brighter） world.He must have precisely calculated every single statistic which might affect the success and groundness of the bulb before his action. Even to common people like us, If we fail to be patient on what we do at hand. we might not execute them well.

In addition, we can not emphasize the importance of the patience too much since the patience is closely related to our property, happiness and even lives. have you ever heard that a young car racer died in an competition just because he fails to check the condition of the car? If this kind of stories have shaken you, I think you might stand on my side that the patience is an indispensable ingredient in our life.

Last but not least, people who with the merit of patience always have a peaceful mood which is the cornerstone for the success. Nowadays, the high-velocity life in modern city forces people to do everything in a hurry. They are in a hurry to buy larger house, more splashing cars, the list will go on. To me,those who focus all their energy on these issues are of short-sights, neglecting the long-term profit in their lives. Let me take an example from Mo Yan, who is the recent owner of the Nobel Literature Award. He attributed all his success to his patience in that patience provided him a inner quiet place inside his heart.therefore giving rise to excellent writings again and again.

From all aspects taken into consideration carefully, I might draw the conclusion that patience is always an excellent thing for us in that it can bring us the great works, peaceful mood and the success for which everybody is longing.


你好努力哦~~两篇写的都不错~继续加油吧~

1369179610

Recently, a controversial issue has been brought into our eye-sights that which one enables people to acquire more knowledge? Television or books? Just as the Shake Speare once said that there are thousand hamlets in a thousand people's eyes. for me, however, I maintain the definite viewpoint that the books are more beneficial than the even more advanced tech-product TV because books do not only provide more valuable intelligence but also provide a peaceful mood which TV fails to provide. My reasons following will substantiate my opinion in detail.

To begin with,have you ever spend the whole afternoon in watching the meaningless serials without making any use of you brain? If you have, I think you might stand on my side that as the television brings us a lot of joy and entertainment, meanwhile it wastes us a lot of the most valuable thing：time. A recent survey conducted by Chinese Intelligence Agency(CIA) indicates that sixty percents of TV watchers are wasting most of their time on films, talk shows and something like that. Needless to say study something,even if people want to learn knowledge, they have to bear with the immense amount of the advertisements. But reading books is another story, we only need a quiet place and we can learn as much as we want. So in term of the efficiency of the study, the books prevails.

In addition, （去掉~）We can not deny that the content in（of） the TV programs is more interesting because of the combination of the sound and images. But just as the saying goes.every coin has its two sides. Nowadays the runners(你确信runner 没用错吗~)of the TV programs mainly(only 和后面不顾及其他事情照应~) focus on how many people watch their programs and how to make more people watch（keep the number increasing）, leaving other things out of minds. This kind of behavior inevitably causes the TV programs to convey not the true knowledge, but the splashing（这个词。。我不很确定~splash用于报刊） outlooksto us. However（comparatively） the books can provide people not only more but also profound （more profound）knowledge. One single book might contain the author's whole life.So books outweight televisions again.

From what have been taken into consideration carefully, I can draw the very conclusion that people can not learn more from televisions than books.Some one might disagree with me, arguing that the vivid images in the programs will be more attracting. That fact is what I can not deny, but they neglect the significant fact that attracting images and music do not equal to the true knowledge. By contrast, books are the condensation of others' experiences with deeper level. I still hold my unshakable opinion that books provide more for people to learn.

lillian馨

asd。31号的作文你是不是没有看见，在前一页呢，有时间帮看看~~

lillian馨

Recently, a controversial issue has been brought into our eye-sights that whether the patience does no good to us? Should we just take action instantly? there are thousand Hamlets in one thousand people's eyes just as ShakeSpeare once said. for me, from all aspects, I hold my unshakable opinion that patience always has an positive effect on us. my reasons following will substantiate my viewpoint in detail.

To begin with, it is universally acknowledged that patience makes masterpieces. It is obvious that (这句话是对前面it is universally acknowledged 的具体解释说明，再加上it is obvious that有点多余,两者都是一个意思。) many inventions and decisions which affect us a lot are the productions of the patience. let me take the indispensable invention bulb as an example. The inventor of the bulb (the bulb inventor，让edison紧跟inventor) Edsion tried millions of times and finally refined one of his most famous invention（inventions）which also bring us to a lighter world (which 指代有问题：直接用bringing us a bright world做结果状语).He must has （have）precisely calculated every single statistic which might affect the success and groundness of the bulb before his action(我不知道groundness of the bulb 是想表达什么意思，只把前半部分改一下，被affect的不是success 而是success的机会： which might affect the chance to succeed ). Even to common people like us, If we fail to be patient on what we do at hand. we might not execute them well.(最后这一个总结句我觉得不太好，前面你的理论是patience很好，可以怎样怎样，但是你直接就得出了 fail to be patient 的话不能execute what we do. 不一定能推出来吧？这样反着是没有说服力的，所以我认为还是正面总结更有说服力。)

In addition, we can not emphasize the importance of the patience too much since the patience is closely related to our property, happiness and even lives. have you ever heard that a young car racer died in an competition just because he fails to check the condition of the car（这里我感觉你至少得说清fail to check the condition of the car 是由于他匆匆忙忙上场不patient的性格造成的。要不是会让人感觉这和patience有什么关系，也有可能是别的因素引起他fail to check condition 啊！）? If this kind of stories have shaken you, I think you might stand on my side that the patience is an indispensable ingredient in our life.

last but not least, people who with the merit of patience（这里who肯定得是引导从句的，少了谓语动词：people owning the merit of patience；要不就直接把who去掉） always have a peaceful mood which is the cornerstone for the success. Nowadays, the high-velocity life in modern city forces people to do everything in a hurry. They are in a hurry to buy larger house, more splashing cars, the list will go on.(买车买房例子好像有点牵强) To me,those who focus all their energy on these issues are of short-sights, neglecting the long-term profit in their lives. Let me take an example from Mo Yan, who is the recent owner of the Nopel Literature Award. He attributed all his success to his patience in that patience provided him (我记得provide不能直接加双宾语的，provide sb. With sth.) a quiet place inside his heart. Therefore（, therefore）giving rise to excellent writings again and again.

From all aspects taken into consideration carefully, I might draw the conclusion that patience is always an excellent thing for us in that it can bring (前面用了几次：offer 、supply、endow) us the great works, preaceful mood and the success for which everybody is longing.



哈哈~~之前看过你的作文，也知道你一直在写很用功，很有毅力! 我感觉你已经写了这么多了，大概语言文字都知道怎么用，可以停下来想想的文章的整个行文的脉络逻辑，怎样论证去增加自己文章的说服力，去思考一下会有效果的，然后再去重新着手写。这是我的一个作文写得很不错的朋友给我的建议，应该也适合你。