zkh1991同学的作文——互改小组第一期

zkh1991

第一次写作文压力好大。。。
一开始毫无思路啊啊啊想出了一点又不知道怎么写了。。。憋了半天还就写了312字可还是觉得身心受到了摧残
Issue: Colleges and universities should require allfaculty to spend time working outside the academic world in professionsrelevant to the courses they teach.

1.       首先要明确working outside the academic world in professions的作用:老师把经验传授给学生。有些学科确实是必要的，但是这样就限制了学生自主适应的能力。

2.      对于某些学科来说作用是有限的，对细节的关注会成为负担。

3.      不该要求所有faculty都这么做，要根据学科根据情况来定。



Since a few claims emerge that the quality of instruction need to be improved, some colleges anduniversities require all faculty to work outside the academic world. However, frommy perspective, the effect of this policy could be limited, even negative.

Initially, weshould make the goal of this policy clear. Some people expect that the faculty couldimpart some experience they have got outside the academic world to thestudents, and students would benefit from that. To some degree, it is true thatthis would help the faculty learn something from practice, and that is almost necessaryin a few professions such as medicine and accounting, which ask for substantialskills in practice. Yet exactly because of the substantial skills needed,students should develop their own abilities to adapt various situations, theexperience of others would be of little help. Moreover, others’ experiencecould impede students’ will to develop their own theory, since directly usingavailable approach is much easier. Then students might be devoid of the abilityto adapt different situations, and they could only use the approachindiscriminately. Thus, this sometimes leads to seriously negative results.

On the other hand,when it comes to other sciences like math or physics whose objects are beyondindustry, maybe the professions relevant to what the faculty research or teachare almost nonexistent: some subjects are just purely academic. While outside theacademic world the details are more focused on, some subjects only concernabout the main ideas. Sometimes, paying too much attention to details is aburden for both faculty and students. Thus, in this case, paying attention tothe skill of teaching is more helpful.


In conclusion,this policy is not applicable for all faculty, because the uselessness andnegativity could not be ignored. To improve the quality of construction, thevariety of subjects and situations should be taken into account.

zkh1991

谢谢批改 很详细~  这里的welfare不止指财富 还指人们生活水平和福利之类的       我还是把表达方法弄得更保守点吧~

gaoxing

The surest indicator of a great nation isrepresented not by the achievements of its rulers, artists, or scientists, butby the general welfare of its people.
Write a response in which you discuss theextent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain yourreasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting yourposition, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might nothold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.



It is true that the general welfare ofpeople is a fundamental criterion when we assess a great nation. However, whenone makes a judgment, only considering the welfare is oversimplifying theassessment.

Admittedly, welfare is one of the[K1] （感觉这里不需要用the）significant indicators of a great country. And that isprobably what each individual cares most. Only if individuals are grantedwelfare[K2] （这里用grant似乎不是很合适，财富不都是被授予的吧。改成possessgreat welfare.）, could the society be stable and makeprogress at a steady pace, thus would become[K3] （可用这样写吗？改成be肯定就没错）regarded as a great nation.
（这一段展开的不够充分，就仅仅说一句是社会稳定发展的基础是不够的。）

Yet,saying welfare is the surest indicator would be unwise. Initially we need to give the “great nation”a clear definition[K4] （给定义，挺好的，学习。。
）. From a social perspective, though, the welfare could be granted moresignificance, and a nation in good welfare condition is more likely to beregarded as a great one. Yet when we assess a nation from an artisticperspective, we would appreciate the artistic works and grandiose edifices,rather than the welfare of its people. For instance, one could hardly laud thewelfare of India due to the existence of caste system, but it is undeniablethat India was a great nation in the history for its flamboyant culture. Thus,the significance of every indicator varies from different perspectives, and noone could assert which is the surest, so abandoning the achievements of rulers,artists or scientists is imprudent.
（从伟大国家的定义出发，不同角度，各个indicator的重要程度不一样，然后从艺术的角度分析艺术上的成就也能称为一个国家）
Moreover, even if from a social perspective[K5] （Evenif 后面应该接一个句子。）, it is reckless to overestimate the welfare. And thatmight lead to a fatal consequence. For example, the welfare of Greece is famous[K6] （Famous?财富很著名？因为那边的人生活的很休闲？）because people there live a leisure way. However, theleisureresults in the verging on bankruptcy of Greece[K7] （不知道这样的表述对不对，但如果改成has made Greece on the verge of bankruptcy就肯定没错了） and imperiling other European countries, for what Greeksspent is beyond what they earned. Thus, only offering welfare could not anation be regarded as a great one, paying attention to other aspects is alsoindispensable.
(再次论证就算从社会角度来看，财富对于衡量一个国家的伟大程度也并不是最重要的。)

To sum up, assessing a nation is acomprehensive process. It is hard to tell which indicator is the surest sinceeach indicator needs to be paid attention to during the assessment, unless onecould clearly define what a great nation is, and which stand he/she takes.

zkh1991

The surest indicator of a great nation isrepresented not by the achievements of its rulers, artists, or scientists, butby the general welfare of its people.
Write a response in which you discuss theextent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain yourreasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting yourposition, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might nothold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

dream521fang

加油~看一下简单粗暴，再看看北美范文，形成自己的一点模板。看看人家杂扩充的，，我也觉得我写的太少，不够developed啊。。

zkh1991

感谢批改~这几天再充实下写过的好了

argument6 北极鹿  40min 写完发现只有251字。。。之后又改了下大概300 （其实说的内容没增加 就改了下句子表达）
我觉得我找的点挺多的啊 为什么就是写不多。。。
求指导 比如我找出来的某个点还可以写些什么之类的
3Q~

dream521fang

思路可以，有些词用的很好，就是内容不充实啊。。加油~在说理和例证之间加几句阐述的话，推理的过程，为什么证明了这个观点，字数就多了，也充实了。然后第三个主体段可以衍伸一下，互相合作，什么的。。最后再结尾总结，就多了一段。

noboundaries

When making policy decisions, most individuals could only consider their own benefits. However, policies are formulated for the welfare of the whole society, only the people with better judgment and perspective are capable(该加个of 然后连个宾语吧).



Some people claim that politicians and other government experts might abuse their power and make the policies beneficial to themselves. Nonetheless, these authorities, who are qualified, have the sapient discernment, the vast ken, the responsibility to take the various individuals’ wellbeing into account. As their jobs are defined, they are hired to maximize the welfare of the whole society by making the sage policy decisions with their panoramic view, without considering the profits of their own. While major policy decisions are made by the authorities, individuals whose profits were ignored before could take part in the decisions of corresponding specific policies, then the case that some individuals’ voice could not be heard is less likely to happen.



Additionally, no policy is perfect, and the benefits of some individuals are foreordained to be vitiated. For instance, a polluting factory in a village should necessarily be removed. If we take every villager’s advice, the result might be inconvenient: they are afraid of losing their jobs in the factory and they prefer the existence of the factory even at the expense of pollution. However, their myopia could be fatal and a provident policy decider is needed. In this case, minor loss is overwhelmed by the future benefits. It is necessary to take different advice, but some of them must be abandoned.



Moreover, if every individual has the same authority to formulate a policy, the divergences are bound to occur due to the various milieus of different individuals. It is hard to conciliate and compromise, and lots of time would be needed. When facing imminent problem, such processes are unrealistic. Thus, the authorities could offer a more efficient decision, giving a more subtle response without a deadlock.



In conclusion, leaving the major policy decisions to authorities would swiftly bring more benefits to the whole society while leaving that to individuals could be a rough and tardy way, and its limitation would be complemented by some other specific policies. One must concede it is not perfect, but it is superior.



1，一般来讲，新Gissue都是要写两面的，而且两面好展开，好凑字数

2，提纲里的要点把握得比较紧凑，结构脉络清晰

noboundaries

Leaders, as what they are defined, are the ones who use the abilities they possess, with the power and demands placed on them, to achieve the common goals of a group.It is true that demands are essential, but it is only one of the factors that create leaders.



Demands could be regarded as the main drive that motivate leaders to make progress. Sometimes meeting the common demands becomes a responsibility. Meanwhile, the satisfaction of demands would be a significant indicator when a leader is assessed, and might win the trust and reliance of people（这一句的主语？应该enable the leaders吧）, hence, a leader will be merited. For instance, as people’s demands increase rapidly, Google provides various services to cater to the demands of different people, then gains trust and reliance of millions of clients. Now Google is not only a search engine（应该说是主要的、王牌的） but also have become a leader of the IT industry. Thus, sometimes demand means opportunity.



However, only with demands placed on, cannot one become a leader. In the late period of the Soviet Union, its corruption of the government and dissatisfaction of people led to the dissolution, exactly, due to the excessive demands in the Cold War. In another word, for the impotent leaders, the demands placed on them would be burdens, instead of opportunities. （这一句感觉成了demands的支持了，屌丝领导不能驾驭demands,不正从侧面说明顺应demands的重要了么）On the other hand, back to Google, a couple years ago nobody could predict such an internet company would foray into the smartphone industry and become a leader at such an incredibly prompt velocity. This breakthrough of Google does not merely rely on the demands of people, and the provident sight and courageous ambition are more critical.（这个例子有点weak,只是纯粹下结论而无论据）



In conclusion, the creation of leaders depends on various factors. While one must concede the demands placed on leaders could be an essential factor, the omission of other factors would be unwise.



字数太少了，才301

Body只有两个，有点少。一正一反，要点不多。

加油！

首尾照应得不错

dream521fang

When making policy decisions, most individuals could only consider their own benefits. However, policies are formulated for the welfare of the whole society, and 或者连词吧only the people with better judgment and perspective are capable of doing之类的.（写成从句应该是of which only。。。。are capable吧）

Some people claim that politicians and other government experts might abuse their power and make the policies beneficial to themselves. Nonetheless, these authorities, who are qualified,have the sapient discernment, the vast ken, the responsibility to take the various individuals’ wellbeing into account. As their jobs are defined, they are hired to maximize the welfare of the whole society by making the sage policy decisions with their panoramic view, without considering the profits of their own. While major policy decisions are made by the authorities,individuals whose profits were ignored before could take part in the decisions of corresponding specific policies, then the case that some individuals’ voice could not be heard is less likely to happen.

Additionally, no policy is perfect, and the benefits of some individuals are foreordained to be vitiated. For instance, a polluting factory in a village should necessarily be removed. If we take every villager’s advice, the result might be inconvenient（换个词？）: they are afraid of losing their jobs in the factory and they prefer the existence of the factory even at the expense of pollution. However, their myopia could be fatal and a provident policy decider is needed. In this case, minor loss is overwhelmed by the future benefits. It is necessary to take different advices, butsome of them must be abandoned.

Moreover, if every individual has the same authority to formulate a policy, the divergences are bound to occurdue to the various milieus of different individuals. It is hard to conciliate （及物动词）and compromise, and lots of time would be needed（wasted更好）. When （加个主语，process不能face problem）facing imminent problems（或者前面加a）,such processes are unrealistic. Thus, the authorities could offer a more efficient decision, giving a more subtle（换个词比较好吧，感觉有点怪，considerate？） response without a deadlock.

In conclusion, leaving the major policy decisions to authorities would swiftly bring more benefits to the whole society while leaving that to individuals could be a rough and tardy way, and its（指代不明，我没看懂唉） limitation would be complemented by some other specific policies. One must concede that it is not perfect, but it is superior.