[求批改]issue 求批改

hsloner

26. The luxuries andconveniences of contemporary life prevent people from developing into truly strongand independent individuals.
现代生活的奢华和便利，让人们无法成为真正强大、独立的个体。
Write aresponse in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree withthe statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take.
Indeveloping and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which thestatement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerationsshape your position.

Outline:
题目的观点未免过于简单，狭隘，每件事事情都有利有弊，
个人的定义是什么一个强大的个人应该拥有什么品质
现代舒适的社会使人们更依赖科技  效率更高人们得到了解放 当然也使人们变得懒惰
奢华看起来是个贬义词人们往往联想到腐败 为了享受奢华的生活很多人往往不择手段往上爬 谋取暴利  官商勾结  但是你无法否认也有一些人以他为目标通过合法正当的途径 到达了顶峰 造福人类
个人的强大不是由环境来决定的人的强大往往是内心的强大

Text:
   Theword “truly” is a bit too narrow and simple. Everything has two sides. Thereare something leave from you while another come into you.
   Whatis the meaning of” strong and independent individuals”? We would think there isone who is strong in physical and is independent in action. We also could thinkthere is one who is strong and independent in heart. Both of them seemreasonable. But people always respect someone who fills with their own ideas inmind. And people would laugh one who is bigger person physically but no mind. Agreat person is one who own great minds.
   And “luxuries”sounds like an emerging and sometimes a bad word. People will image deliciousfood, shining garment, mansion etc. Most of people want to live in such elegantlifestyle. People maybe get it by all means. Then they will lose the humanity.Corruption, greedy, desire and vanity fill with people`s life. All what they dojust for luxuries. It is sure not we wanted. But also there are many people achieveit through legal and valid ways. They would help other people who is in needwhen they realized. They are benefit from society and then benefit to society.
   Wecould not deny the high technology make some people lazy and stupid. They areeven not willing to make choice. They only would get coffee from another got itdone even to his mouth. They are not willing to think, they are not willing todo. High technology looks like make live convenient and make people sluggish.We also repudiate conveniences make live easy, there are a lot leisure time forpeople to do other interesting. It makes people liberate from some burdensomework. It is hard for us to get information from the outer world in the past. Ouracknowledge is limited in somewhere around us. Now we know any information whatwe want from the Internet. It is wonderful. And the World becomes so charming andclose. It is unimaginative and unparalleled in the past. After all, the idiot isthe minority. Most od person can use the conveniences positively. The positiveeffect is always more than the passive effect.
    Astrong of person is not determined by the surrounding but changed the surrounding.A truly strong and independent individual is who strong and independent in mindand make the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life benefit to them.

竹林中人

语言表达
问题还是很多，首段第二句就很不地道，你最要注意的是句子成分的完整和主谓一致。由于是手机修改，不方便一一指出来，你自己要好好读读，在word里面修改下

竹林中人

从你的中文提示来看你的思路还是很发散的，不够收缴集中，点很多，需要加工下能抽出一个可以有一定清晰脉络逻辑的观点出来。Issue不是要求观点多全面多高明，在于你能把自己的观点说清楚有道理。比如这题，现代生活之于个人独立和强大的关系，你是是折中的，那你就要说明为什么，什么情况什么时候是正面影响，什么时候是负面影响，最后谈一下还如何充分利用好就好。