请大虾们批改作文，看看这篇作文哪里需要改进。总觉得字数达不到要求

葛佳

137. Mental health experts have observed that symptoms of mental illness are less pronounced in many patients after group music-therapy sessions, and job openings in the music-therapy field have increased during the past year. Consequently, graduates from our degree program for music therapists should have no trouble finding good positions. To help improve the financial status of Omega University, we should therefore expand our music-therapy degree program by increasing its enrollment targets.


The author commits a fallacy of false analogy in assuming that expand our music-therapy degree program degree program in Omega University will achieve result the necessary treatment of mental illness in current situation. The purpose of program is to help improve the financial status of Omega University.

First of all, the reasoning is questionable because similarities between two events and the environments in which they hold may not be sufficient enough to warrant this claim. The author fails to establish a causal relationship between the financial status of Omega University and the music-therapy degree program. Other relevant factors may also contribute to the improvement of the financial status of Omega University. For example, the government resists funds to the Omega University for the expand music-therapy program. Despite of the program has expanded in the Omega University, the music-therapy program needs the enumerate devices, the vacant classroom and professors, or even to put up with advertisements on varies of mediums.
Secondly, the fact that job opening in the music therapy field have increased during the past does not necessarily mean that graduates from Omega University’s degree program for music therapists can easily find good position in the job market.

Apparently, differences between the expanding music-therapy program and to improve the financial status of the Omega University outweigh the surface similarities, thus making the analogy untenable.
The author to prove or even consider the comparability between the expanding music-therapy program and to improve the financial status of the Omega University renders the conclusion based upon it highly suspect.
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fliesty

其实字数不够也没关系的 只要不是太少的可怜就行 我一次4一次5   4的那次比5写的还长呢 主要还是看内容

葛佳

斑竹 帮我看看