TWE133 求拍——5.19怕怕~~

abc117

啊，jojo姐~~太幸运了，竟然被大N拍了，呵呵。。。

木有考过G啊，笑来范文也是看了10多篇就觉得中式英语的味道太浓就撇下了，结果竟然还是套路了，理工科的脑袋，唉……

倒数第二段我本来想来个反驳的，大致意思就是儿童时期的那些东东的确好，但在人生长河中可与之类比的有很多之类的，应该怎么写才不显得骑墙呢？

 嗯，好不容易有人来拍，扯住，嘿嘿

lxzjojo

以下是引用abc117在2007-5-12 20:44:00的发言：

133.
  A person's childhood years are the most important years of a person's life.

A person’s entire life span can be divided into several important phases, including the childhood when he has a lot of fun, the adult time, in which he pursues his dreams, and the aging days full of memory. The determination of the most significant period of people's life may vary depending on their different background and experience. I believed that hardly everyone would agree that the childhood years are the most important years of his life.

看了这一段，我并不太清楚你的观点，hardly是说"并不是每一个人都认可"对吗？那究竟你认可吗？读下去才知道。建议要在首段直接亮出观点。

另外，这种开头模板的味道太浓了，其实整篇文章读起来就像极了G的文章套路，相信MM刚刚准备完G吧~IBT在文体上要求更加"散文"式一些，但中心却要紧扣主题的，像“The determination of the most significant period of people's life may vary depending on their different background and experience”这种句子，其实写不写都可以的。

As to some people, childhood years are not the time when they shined and they may even suffered a lot from the experience during that time. When these people were asked to identify the great days of their life, barely did they mention the childhood years. For example, Einstein, the greatest physicist in mordern society, was regarded as idiot before his attending college. His teacher was jealous of his talent on mathematics and criticized him frequently. Einstein was hurt deeply, so deep that after his growing up, he described the school life as imprisonment. For him, and the people who had the same experience as his would definitely not treat the early years of their lives as the most important days.

What's more, the key determinations that change the trace of life are often made in the period other than childhood. Deciding the future can be regarded as one of the most important things throughout the entire life, but the children are not mature enough to make it. Take Grignard for example, he almost wasted all his years on playing and dating until the age of twenty one, when he met a graceful lady. Her abhorrence of the knowledge-lacking person made him realized the importance of study. Grignard's life started to alter from then. After years of hard working, he finally became a famous chemist in the field of organic chemistry. 'Thanks to the lady I met in the year of twenty one,' Grignard had stated this for several times.

中间二段，整体感觉不错，观点明确，例子丰富而且很好的支持了全文的总论点。句子表达流畅，句式和用词也挺好的，看得出来，MM的文字功底不错。

Admittedly, we shaped our personalities and gained a lot of fun in our childhood years. Scientists have also proved that it is the most efficient time for learning new skills. But life itself is a series of events, one can never tell what will happen, whom he will meet and where will he go in the future. All the things including love, disappointment and struggle for life may influence a person's life, and could be considered as the most important event in the life, yet these are all the things that not occurred in the early years.

这一段建议好好修饰一下。个人以为，在IBT的写作中，这种“admittedly”的转折其实大可不必，可能还可能会让rater产生骑墙的感觉。这种充字数的方法我不建议采用，来这样一个转折，不如多写一个短小的观点，或者来一个精彩的结尾呢~
        

To sum up, though the childhood is a significant period of one's life that deserves paying much attention, it is hardly to reach the conclusion that it is the most important.

尽量不要写这种“to sum up”之类的结尾了，太模板化了，MM的文字功底是可以拿一个不错的作文分数的，不要让模板拖了自己的后腿哦~ 

请各位大N、小N、非N们拍砖，怎么样也比自己一个人瞎琢磨来得有启发呀，5.19就考了，没底……

仅为一些个人建议，说得比较直接，希望对MM有些启发吧~

abc117

顶顶。各位给个意见啊，总体感觉、不是一句一句改的也行啊~~

abc117

133.
  A person's childhood years are the most important years of a person's life.

A person’s entire life span can be divided into several important phases, including the childhood when he has a lot of fun, the adult time, in which he pursues his dreams, and the aging days full of memory. The determination of the most significant period of people's life may vary depending on their different background and experience. I believed that hardly everyone would agree that the childhood years are the most important years of his life.

As to some people, childhood years are not the time when they shined and they may even suffered a lot from the experience during that time. When these people were asked to identify the great days of their life, barely did they mention the childhood years. For example, Einstein, the greatest physicist in mordern society, was regarded as idiot before his attending college. His teacher was jealous of his talent on mathematics and criticized him frequently. Einstein was hurt deeply, so deep that after his growing up, he described the school life as imprisonment. For him, and the people who had the same experience as his would definitely not treat the early years of their lives as the most important days.

What's more, the key determinations that change the trace of life are often made in the period other than childhood. Deciding the future can be regarded as one of the most important things throughout the entire life, but the children are not mature enough to make it. Take Grignard for example, he almost wasted all his years on playing and dating until the age of twenty one, when he met a graceful lady. Her abhorrence of the knowledge-lacking person made him realized the importance of study. Grignard's life started to alter from then. After years of hard working, he finally became a famous chemist in the field of organic chemistry. 'Thanks to the lady I met in the year of twenty one,' Grignard had stated this for several times.

Admittedly, we shaped our personalities and gained a lot of fun in our childhood years. Scientists have also proved that it is the most efficient time for learning new skills. But life itself is a series of events, one can never tell what will happen, whom he will meet and where will he go in the future. All the things including love, disappointment and struggle for life may influence a person's life, and could be considered as the most important event in the life, yet these are all the things that not occurred in the early years.

To sum up, though the childhood is a significant period of one's life that deserves paying much attention, it is hardly to reach the conclusion that it is the most important.

 

请各位大N、小N、非N们拍砖，怎么样也比自己一个人瞎琢磨来得有启发呀，5.19就考了，没底……

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-5-12 20:48:30编辑过]