<Tim老师批改范例欣赏>2019.1.9作业

写作老师Tim

学生背景：

高二在校生，托福考了8次，最高分81分（写作和口语一直徘徊在18-21之间，也是相当可怜）

学生主要的问题是年纪太小，对社会的认知不够；写出来的内容不符合社会现状，很难让考官理解和认同。

还有一个最重要的问题，就是之前学的太杂，换过各种各样的老师，上过不同的课程，有些“顽疾”不好从根本治疗。（这一问题现在很多同学都有，网课和线下课以及各种同学的分享，学的很乱但最后提分并不明显）

最近才接手，也的确很棘手。

所以，给大家看一下一直维持在18-21分左右的作文大概是什么样子，也因此引以为鉴。

（P.S.正好今天发过来的，就直接在这里批出来了）

Do you agree or disagree with the following statements?

Because people are busy doing so many different things, they do very few things well.

Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

红色部分都是Tim帮忙添加以及修改的部分

In the past, people just needed to do few things, but now, we have to deal with several tasks (together in order to improve our efficiency).  However, there is a controversial problem whether people can do few things well or not, while they are doing multiple assignments. （今夕对比，第一句话已经有in the past和now了，这里的however转折完全是有问题的。所以整句话还不如删掉 ） Some people believe people can do well in most things. Whereas（whereas是不可以直接放在句首当副词，因为它只是个连接词，有很多同学希望代替however，可是whereas是绝对不可以这样使用）, I think we can only carry out few things well（修改：accomplish few things successfully，不改有抄题目嫌疑）.

对于开头段，我不知道各位同学的习惯是如何的，因为不同分数段的开头形式有一定区别：

1. 该同学使用“今昔对比”，这类开头通常比较注重对比，可是很多同学完全只是当一句套路句来使用。

2. 如果不会开头，还不如用最简单的一句话开头法，就是表明态度同意还是不同意题目内容，并且改写。剩下的核心全部放在论述主体段上。（现实是，很多同学喜欢秀语言，开头不多写一点又感觉不合适）

四大开头法：常规开头，今昔对比，解释定义，现象说明。如果想要高分的同学从来没有考虑过开头的方式，我觉得真的有必要思考一下了。毕竟开头是脸，E-rate的机评不会有影响，可是考官评分上会有很大出入。

The first reason is the limited time (修改：nowadays, we do not have enough time to make things through individually). It is fair for every individual that we only have 24 hours per day（修改：to share the same time, 24hours a day, which means the time is limited.我把同学的第一句观点变成第二句解释，这样在解释过程可以更有逻辑）. Take one day as an example, in order to maintain health, according to physiology,（修改：Let us do some math together, to see how much time we have left for average people） (添加：For most of people, ) we have to cost at least eight hours for sleeping, and everyday, we have to consume three times that approximately cost three hours, have to go to bathroom for pee, making up, or taking shower that roughly cost one hour, and have to cost one hour in traffic.（修改：,and one hour for personal needs, such as going to bathroom or taking shower, to name but a few. 同学把所有能想到的都一起说出来，看起来是一句大长句，实际上很乱。最后的to name but a few实际上就是大家经常用的and so on，这种表达在写作中非常好用） Then, only eleven hours left. However, spending entire eleven hours on working is impossible because we have to relax and release stress. We may imagine we can do what well in only bout nine hours.（修改：Based on above, we have to split our time for having meals or something else, because we cannot keep working or studying. Therefore, it is obvious to imagine how much time we can devote ourselves to our real business and how well we can finish works perfectly.我把同学的三个句子换成了两个句子，尤其最后一句话therefore部分正好把观点再次突出一下。有很多同学并不是特别注意最后一句话的总结，我这里比较建议一些同学，最好做一个小总！）

说到中间body部分，写法多种多样。不过我首先要给大家说明一点考官的最明显扣分的地方：是否有明确的观点和合理的论述！

段落怎么写，无所谓，也没有一定的模式，但是如果观点不明，论述不请，后果很可怕！

这一段有很多很多同学都会说，以内“忙”。这个词本身没问题，关键是，很多很多同学都用这个观点，凭什么考官要多给你分？忙作为现在我们很多人的口头禅，用我们经常作为的“借口”来解释，是否能解释的明白，大家要好好思考！

Besides, lack of ability to multitask is a kind of （修改：another）barrier for human beings to do many things well. The skill of multitasking means that we can deal with many things simultaneously, such as typing an essay while talking with friends on a phone. （这一句话实际上对文章没有任何帮助，但是又没有太大的语言问题）Doing more things well in about nine hours, (添加：which has  mentioned above in last paragraph), is possible, only if we develop a multi-task ability. However, only a few of individuals have this ability（修改：can do so）, and it is extremely hard to develop. For example, I am  Grade 11 now, and everyday, I have to do many assignments given from teachers while I am listenning the lessons. Unfortunately, I cant  focus on what the teacher is talking about, which usually makes me spend more time on reviewing the lessons after school. However, my friend, Sarah, she is always doing things one by one, so she can  do everything perfectly. Thus, doing things step by step is the reason why we  can do few tasks well now.

后面这一段，我基本上放弃修改的主要原因就是，已经跑题了。尤其是最后一句：Thus, doing things step by step is the reason why we  can do few tasks well now.

题目问的是：是否同意“人们很少能把事情做好”，是需要我们回答原因！可是后面就变成一步一个脚印，慢慢来我们才能把事情做好。这完全是两个不同的内容。

此外，大家也应该可以感觉到，高中生的语言能力只能停留在把事情说出来，但是至于是否有逻辑或者更高的语言表达有的时候却很困难（有一些同学可能面临把事情说明白都很困难吧？）

其实这一段完全可以说人们做事的时候容易分心，很容易让受到其他事情干扰从而转去做其他事情，很难不被打扰一心一意的做一件事情之类都可以。

In conclusion, in modern society, we can only deal with few tasks well because of the limited time and lack of ability to multi-task.

有的时候真的是这样，很多作文改到一半，Tim老师就下不了手了，因为很多时候，跑题的作文去修改除了语法和语言使用以外，其他就没办法修改了。

所以对于很多急需改作文的同学，如果能确保自己文章不跑题的前提，并且说的内容也能让大家理解，那么改作文很有用；

但是，如果作文跑题，并且很多内容只是“你认为”，并没有考虑读者是否能理解的话，那么改作文只能改语言使用，对本质没有任何的用处。

所以希望大家在平时练习的时候也多多注意，很多文章可能只有你自己知道在写什么！

大家继续加油，之后我还会给大家带来不同版本的修改给大家欣赏哈！

tshbbg

灵魂导师Tim 发表于 2019-1-10 12:19
首先这道题目是经典的政府投资类话题，在平时准备的时候应该对于政府四大投资的话题背景知识做一个了解， ...

同意！               

xzzhili

看一下

arthurhoo

嗯，我也意识到需要先做做基础功课了，再次感谢老师。我自己去补补课先

写作老师Tim

arthurhoo 发表于 2019-1-11 14:54
突然发现很多同学还没看到这个好资源，那我就再厚着脸皮请Tim老师指点一篇。tpo这篇又是个政府话题的，我按 ...

给你看完了~

写作老师Tim

All the governments around the world are committed to offering their citizens a better circumstance in every aspect.（同义词不要乱用，没有a better circumstance的这种说法，这是中式表达。因为circumstance是抽象概念；而你要说的就是大环境envrionment。词语准确性大于词语多样性。因为多样性不一定加分，但是词语使用不准确一定会扣一些分数。） Since the budget is limited, the government will make a big effort to find an optimal financial plan.（后面感觉少东西，政府财政计划为了干什么？感觉没说完） Some choices, such as spending more on Internet access than（or） pubic transportation, always confuse the decider.（这一句话感觉很奇怪，突然引入的internet和transportation，还是放在such as中，从句子完整度上面有一点儿突兀。） But after taking furthur insight into this problem, we would easily tell the nuance （tell the nuance?nuance通常用在感觉，没有办法说出来。比如，这两个人的眼睛好像，但是那种微妙的差别说不清楚；或者女生对闺蜜说，我感觉我男朋友对我没有以前好了，和以前有差别了，但是在什么方面我也说不出来。）between these options, and surely to invest more on the improvement of Internet access.（最后一句话别忘了告诉考官，是你认为政府应该更多的投入在互联网发展上）

开头的时候还是要小心，不要让内容变得非常突兀。有的时候你可以把自己写的内容翻译成中文看看是否合适。比如，开头再说政府一直给人们提供方方面面的支持。但是资金有限，所以要有财政计划。这个部分都是在介绍背景。接下来，就是要引入主题。internet 和transportation都是四大投资里面的内容：基础设施建设。
所以，我会把你的第二句话连起来：Since the budget is limited, the government has to make great efforts to find an optimal plan of investment, especially for infrastructure, the most signficant part of national development. Two cases are put forward for improvement: one of which is internet access, and the other of which is transportation for public. In my opinion, .....
对比一下上面你写的内容，引入主题绝对不是为了改写而存在，更重要的是内容的连贯性。

       For one thing, I can not imagine what one day without Internet would be.（你很难想象没有网络回事怎么样，和为什么政府要投入在互联网上发展是两回事。你并没有回应政府为什么要这样做。你没有办法现象的不是政府一定要做的。） As a marketing employee, I need to send and receive Emails, check the data from online system, and even make a facetime with my parents after work. Not to mention the teleworkers and teleschools, which are becoming more and more prevalent. The better access to Internet, the more convenient we can utilize it. We now have 5G network, and connect WIFI in almost every public building, a tendency means the urgent need from us.

这一段大部分用例子来说明网络的需求很重要。发邮件和父母聊天这些都是最基本的网络标准。每个大楼都覆盖WIFI，这都已经是很平常了，为什么政府还要大力投资在internet上？就是为了让我们发邮件和视频吗？
这就是在论述文章上的逻辑漏洞，我们现在网络已经很发达，为什么政府还要大力投资发展它，这才是要论述的本质；而不是让我们感慨，我们现在有了网络之后是多么便利这个事实。

      Further, as long as an Internet is there, we could do much more things by our electronic devices than before, thus maximizing the time of our life.（修改：if governments spend more funds on improving internet, people will have more opportunities to maximize their time, doing more things than before.不要忘记你要论述的是和什么有关，是政府花钱要做事儿。） In the past, when I was in a long queue to buy a coffee, I could do nothing, but move slowly and look around. At present, I can browse the latest news through my phone connected with Internet, or learn English from online course. This is a wise way to full use the fragment of time.

还是和上面一样，并没有突出大力发展网络所带来的“明显”帮助。你在描绘的都是现在就已经有的，已经有的东西不需要再大力发展。
所以你要区分这个概念，继续提高已有的东西，不是我们已有的东西给我带来了什么样的帮助。
围绕观点：可以让我们做更多，让我们时间利用更充分。怎么样在我们现在的基础上，通过网络让我们更充分的利用时间？（自己好好思考，我就不直接告诉你了）

      All of us can feel the difference the Internet made in our lives, and it also changed our needs. Public transportation indeed bothered us years before, but many companies have enacted policies to get over it. Telework and non-conventional schedule are such ways that help people avoid the congestion of public transportation. As a result, the request of improving this system is not as intense as before.

额，这一段我没看懂你的point和你想传递的意思。我用了我们中式思维和是西式思维，都没有理解你这一段要表达的实际意义和目的是什么。
这就是我之前说的，大家总喜欢自己说自己的，然后没有point，这种情况特别容易出现考官的评语：it is not easy/hard to follow这个评价。

     To sum up, spending more money on Internet access will satisfy the interest of majority, and doing so may also help certain issues in public transportation.


有的时候思维局限是真的蛮严重的。
在我的想法中，如果要我说网络发展，我首先就要说明现在网络更容易拉近人们的距离，克服地域障碍，然后通过说明现在就城市地区网络比较发达，偏远地区和不发达地区并没有覆盖；这个工作只能政府完成，需要政府投入大量的人力和资源。这样才能让更多的人享受网络带来的帮助。让那些不容易联系到外界的地区也都可以实现。
你可以看我在思考问题的角度是从什么方面？
现在很多同学，在回答问题的时候，不管是独立口语还是独立写作都有这个问题，就是很“自我”。
换句话说，大家思考问题都喜欢从“我”出发，这就导致了一个很大的问题：把问题理解成了自己想要的样子。


此外，在纠正一个大家的普遍误区：练习作文的第一步不是写多少篇作文，而是对话题背景知识积累多少。
先积累素材背景，在学习写作结构，最后在练习写作文。
否则，有很多需要批改作文的同学（认为作文就是要多写多练），写了十篇、二十篇，最后都是一个地方出现的问题，就是根本不知道话题背景，完全凭自己的感觉写。
所以，这就出现了问题，十篇作文，虽然语法等错误较少，但是在说什么，为什么这么说，很多时候我都看不懂。


在提醒一遍：先积累素材（八大话题），其次学习写作结构（托福写作7大提问方式，回答和结构有区别），最后再开始写作文。
千万千万不要拿一篇作文就开始写，千万不要，因为效率真的很低的。

写作老师Tim

arthurhoo 发表于 2019-1-11 17:17
好好，顺便多了解一下，哪里可以看到Tim老师的一些深入讲解课程啊？例如老师提及的八大话题，政府事务等 ...

课程都是我平时的线下课和线上一对一课都会讲哒。
论坛就是给没时间上课的同学一个学习的地方，顺便帮一下大家
话题素材在我课上都给大家总结好啦

arthurhoo

灵魂导师Tim 发表于 2019-1-11 16:56
哈，我今天刚改了一篇，你这个留到过两天给你看哈，今天时间不太够了呢~~ ...

好好，顺便多了解一下，哪里可以看到Tim老师的一些深入讲解课程啊？例如老师提及的八大话题，政府事务等？

写作老师Tim

arthurhoo 发表于 2019-1-11 14:54
突然发现很多同学还没看到这个好资源，那我就再厚着脸皮请Tim老师指点一篇。tpo这篇又是个政府话题的，我按 ...

哈，我今天刚改了一篇，你这个留到过两天给你看哈，今天时间不太够了呢~~

arthurhoo

突然发现很多同学还没看到这个好资源，那我就再厚着脸皮请Tim老师指点一篇。tpo这篇又是个政府话题的，我按照老师指点的思路尝试着又写了一个

All the governments around the world are committed to offering their citizens a better circumstance in every aspect. Since the budget is limited, the government will make a big effort to find a optimal financial plan. Some choices, such as spending more on Internet access than pubic transportation, always confuse the decider. But after taking furthur insight into this problem, we would easily tell the nuance between these options, and surely to invest more on the improvement of Internet access.

       For one thing, I can not imagine what one day without Internet would be. As a marketing employee, I need to send and receive Emails, check the data from online system, and even make a facetime with my parents after work. Not to mention the teleworkers and teleschools, which are becoming more and more prevalent. The better access to Internet, the more convenient we can utilize it. We now have 5G network, and connect WIFI in almost every public building, a tendency means the urgent need from us.

      Further, as long as an Internet is there, we could do much more things by our electronic devices than before, thus maximizing the time of our life. In the past, when I was in a long queue to buy a coffee, I could do nothing, but move slowly and look around. At present, I can browse the latest news through my phone connected with Internet, or learn English from online course. This is a wise way to full use the fragment of time.

      All of us can feel the difference the Internet made in our lives, and it also changed our needs. Public transportation indeed bothered us years before, but many companies have enacted policies to get over it. Telework and non-conventional schedule are such ways that help people avoid the congestion of public transportation. As a result, the request of improving this system is not as intense as before.

     To sum up, spending more money on Internet access will satisfy the interest of majority, and doing so may also help certain issues in public transportation.