高一妹纸 grace9210 的独立写作，请大家多多指教

grace9210

这里高一妹纸勤勤,

没上过辅导班，而且是第一次写托福作文，有点小紧张

觉得自己好像找不到分论点呢，第二分论点觉得自己写的和主题不相关联啊....

不知道这种题怎么着分论点T^T

请大家多多指教，谢谢啦~~~

18 June「Today」

Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Scientists should be responsible for the negative effects of their discoveries.
Integrated Writing：
TPO24

    Should Albert Einstein take the responsibility of the birth of nuclear bomb which is based on his relativity theory ? Should Alexander Fleming shoulder the matter of misuse and overuse of antibiotics  after he found the first antibiotic, penicillin? Should Justus von Liebig  be considered as the criminal of water pollution caused by the overuse of fertilizer created by him ? As the democratic society has advanced, the editorial has increasingly pointed to the negative effects of scientific discoveries  that seems ,at  first thought, caused by the scientists who found them .However as far as I see,  the scientists should not be responsible for the negative effects of their discoveries.

    One the one hand, it is the consumers ofthe high techniques that made the discoveries have the negative effects .For instance, Liebig made fertilizer out of solving the famine to develop a better community , penicillin was first used to cure illness to save people back from the edge of death and nodoubt that the relativity theory is definitely the fundamental construct ofmodern physics. Be that as it may, people who enjoy the fruitions headed forthe misuse of the techniques with the willing to gratify themselves to a higherextent . Under the force of this desire ,it was perhaps inevitable that the useto these scientific results should be in the possession of the scientists nomatter what it would finally turn out to be to the status of being wholly agreed. The scientist are treated unjustly ,so to speak.

    On the other hand, scientists are thepeople who devote  themselves to lift theveil of mysterious nature ,  to promote ourliving standard but not the ones  that should be criticized. So content is our attitude to life , that we start toignore the scientists who exert such positive influence for us. We owe a lot to our family, friends and so on  who helped us in our entire life, but all of them put together cannottake up a fraction of the techniques that are the basic of our modern lives discovered by scientists. It is impossible to make more than the wildest guess  at what our life would be without scientists’ arduous exploration. In thiscase, we should always remain grateful for scientists instead of blaming them  for what we did wrong.

    In conclusion ,although we all admit that  modern scientific products are two-edged weapon which can be used equally for goodand evil, history shows that the scientists’ main intentions ,relvealed mostclearly on the conditions where the society was against science  , was very much  for simple  persue of  truth which can lead people to a better life .The responsibility  should be taken by us rather than the scientists whose  discoveries are having  negative effects.

grace9210

我是现在word上写的然后粘贴到这里的，不知道为什么很多空格没了，

刚才重新打了一遍空格，不知道有没有没打的。

不好意思，辛苦检查的同学啦

grace9210

勤勤有个问题，大作文字数有上限么？

还是字数大概是多少最好？

谢谢啦

louzhou

grace9210 发表于 2013-6-18 22:37
勤勤有个问题，大作文字数有上限么？

还是字数大概是多少最好？

独立写作字数没有上限，不能少于300词。
我参加培训班的时候老师说想要拿高分的话一般要写过400词。。。

阿伦艾弗森

Scientists should be responsible for the negative effects of their discoveries. Integrated Writing： TPO24     Should Albert Einstein take the responsibility of the birth of nuclear bomb which is based on his relativity theory ? Should Alexander Fleming shoulder the matter of misuse and overuse of antibiotics  after he found the first antibiotic, penicillin? Should Justus von Liebig  be considered as the criminal of water pollution caused by the overuse of fertilizer created by him ? As the democratic society has advanced, the editorial has increasingly pointed to the negative effects of scientific discoveries  that seems ,at  first thought, caused by the scientists who found them .However as far as I see,  the scientists should not be responsible for the negative effects of their discoveries.     One (on吧、手误？)the one hand, it is the consumers of the high techniques that made the discoveries have the negative effects .For instance, Liebig made fertilizer out of solving the famine to （这里最好用and developing 因为of）develop a better community , penicillin was first used to cure illness to save people back from the edge of death and no doubt that the relativity theory is definitely the fundamental construct of modern physics. Be that as it may, people who enjoy the fruitions headed for the misuse of the techniques with the willing to gratify themselves to a higher extent . Under the force of this desire ,it was perhaps inevitable that the use to these scientific results should be in the possession of the scientists no matter what it would finally turn out to be to the status of being (作文中最好不要使用of being结构)wholly agreed. The scientist are （主谓一致！）treated unjustly ,so to speak.（有点多余，段末精炼总结观点就好）     On the other hand, scientists are the people who devote  themselves to lift the veil of mysterious nature ,  to promote our living standard but not the ones  that should be criticized.（不定式做修饰语一般紧跟所修饰的事情） So content is our attitude to life ,（这个。。。意思木有读懂） that （不能引导非限定性定从）we start to ignore the scientists who exert such positive influence for （一般influence和On搭配）us. We owe （这个词放这里容易引出歧义）a lot to our family, friends and so on  who helped （help就行了、一般时态）us in our entire life, but all of them put together cannot take up a fraction of the techniques that are the basic of our modern lives discovered by scientists. It is impossible to make more than the wildest guess  at what our life would be without scientists’ arduous explorations. In this case, we should always remain grateful for scientists instead of blaming them  for what we did wrong. (这一段的逻辑有些牵强。。。。。)     In conclusion ,although we all admit that  modern scientific products are two-edged weapon which can be used equally for good and evil, history shows that the scientists’ main intentions ,relvealed most clearly on the conditions where the society was against science  , was very much  for simple  persue of  truth which can lead people to a better life .（你后半句的was的主语是什么我没看出来，这句话结构很乱，过于复杂）The responsibility  should be taken by us rather than the scientists whose  discoveries are having  negative effects. 1.楼主惯用长难句写作，这样可以为文章增色，但过于复杂且易出歧义的长难句会使人读起来觉得逻辑有些混乱，而且有些修饰后缀的位置也会引起歧义、建议3长+1短结构最优 2。主谓一致问题 3.一些容易出歧义的词和词组最好减少使用率，用词还需更加精准些 一点拙见~还请以后互相多多指教

louzhou

红色错误，蓝色表建议，高亮表赞。
由于找不到删除线,用下划线表删除...

Should Albert Einstein take the responsibility of(for) the birth of nuclear bomb(weapon好一点) which is based on his relativity theory? Should Alexander Fleming shoulder the matter of misuse and overuse of antibiotics after he found the first antibiotic, penicillin? Should Justus von Liebig be considered as the criminal of water pollution caused by the overuse of fertilizer created by him(这个后置定语是修饰fertilizer还是修饰overuse of fertilizer?可以把create这一部分前移到人名后以防歧义)? (第一句话不错!)As the democratic society has advanced, the editorial has increasingly pointed to the negative effects of scientific discoveries that seems, at  first thought, caused by the scientists who found them. However(后面需要逗号) as far as I see, the scientists should not be responsible for the negative effects of their discoveries.

One the one hand, it is the consumers of the high techniques that made the discoveries have the negative effects. For instance, Liebig made fertilizer out of solving the famine to develop a better community, penicillin was first used to cure illness to save people back from the edge of death and(后面的句子与前面不成并列,最好独立起句不需要连词) no doubt(还是加上there is, 有主谓好一点吧) that the relativity theory is definitely the fundamental construct of modern physics.(与开头重复了,最好换例子否则给人理屈词穷的感觉.) Be that as it may(这是什么用法?我真不知道...), people who enjoy the fruitions headed for the misuse of the techniques with the willing to gratify themselves to a higher extent. Under the force of this desire ,it was perhaps inevitable that the use to these scientific results should be in the possession of the scientists no matter what it would finally turn out to be to the status of being wholly agreed. The scientist are treated unjustly, so to speak.

On the other hand, scientists are the people who devote themselves to lift the veil of mysterious nature, to promote our living standard but not the ones that should be criticized. So content is our attitude to life, that we start to ignore the scientists who exert such positive influence for us. We owe a lot to our family, friends and so on who helped us in our entire life, but all of them put together cannot take up a fraction of the techniques that are the basic of our modern lives discovered by scientists. It is impossible to make more than the wildest guess at what our life would be without scientists’ arduous exploration. In this case, we should always remain grateful for scientists instead of blaming them for what we did wrong.
论证略弱,前面讲科学家应该是解开自然奥秘的人, 后面讲科技的重要性, 但是这些都不与"科学家是否应该为科技发明的负面效应负责"直接相关.

In conclusion, although we all admit that modern scientific products are two-edged weapon which can be used equally for good and evil(这个是two-edged weapon的同义替换, 考虑到这个句子略长, 可以适当简化不然看起来显得繁琐), history shows that the scientists’ main intentions, relvealed(revealed) most clearly on the conditions where the society was against science(这个插入语与全文主旨的关系是?) , was very much for simple persue of truth which can lead people to a better life.The responsibility should be taken by us rather than the scientists whose discoveries are having negative effects.

第一次写的作文就很精美, 不错!
几点建议:
1. 时间允许的话需要三个分论点, 因为在评分标准里面每个分论点值(最终分值的)0.5分;
2. 论证有点弱, 尤其是第二个分论点, 以后可以注意强化分论点编写的能力以及论证内容与分论点的逻辑关系(举例子, 对比反证法, 逐步深入法).
3. 注意要紧扣主旨, 毕竟托福考试很强调逻辑而不是发散(的散文).

加油! 我觉得你加以练习后, 文章肯定会很好的!

grace9210

19 June
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
It is more important for government to spend money improving Internet access than improving public transportation.
Integrated Writing：
TPO25


  When it comes to Internet, the majority of people believe that it is the greatest invention .  More and more people consider that  Internet is original force that we can ignore of the development of modern society .  Many of us take into account that improving Internet access ought to be more important than improving public transportation. As for me, I don't agree with that.

  Firstly, the Internet is not popularized worldwide espcially some less developed area . In these indigent districts , computers are not afforded by most of the people, let alone surffing on the Internet. If the government emarked on Internet developing as the primary task,  there would be a huge amount of work such as the disseminating of the knowledge of Internet, the civilization construction of the proper use of Internet and so on. On the other hand , how nice it would be if  the public transporatation were the top priority . In this case , people in the blocking regions would have contact with the outside world  which is capatable to offer them Internet science itself. The more access they have  to the modern world, the more knowledge they'll with easy effort. Public transporation is the foundamental basis of development instead of Internet.

  Secondly , the investment of Internet will case the unfair situation for the people who don't use Internet. People seem to fail to take into account the fact that not all of us like Internet. There are still a number of people rejecting using it or using seldom. The contribution of government should be just for all the civilians in the jurisdictions. This action will probably cause unexpected situations which do harm to the harmony and unity of the society.

  Thirdly,the more improved Internet will keep us from the real world. Form the picture that you are sitting on the sofa facing to your laptop, chatting with your foreign friends. When you feel tired , you can watch the photos of yourdream place to relax yourself without paying a cent or taking a step.  No matter where you are and what you are doing, you can always order a  tasty meal online ,which keeps you from the tiredness of going the restaurant. In view of such pleasant situation, people will definitely agree to improve Internet access but not public transpotation. From my view, the content lives offered by Internet is a chronic posion. So absorbed in the convenient life we are that we are losing something more important.  Gradually you talk less to your family ,tired of hearing the local events, you become lazier that you no more want to take a journey to the dream land , satisfied by the beatiful pictures taken by others. What's worst is that you are abandoning the real pleasure of life , seeking for the fictional delight on the Internet. Maybe in the end the posion take effect  to make you lose the interest of life and give yourself up to the computer games or online chatting.  As a result , you life is destoried by Internet.

  In sum,this is a  matter of  the people's livehood and the society's progress, a matter that no government can afford to ignore and this view is accepted by more and more people . In this case , it's not hard to see that  what people need most and use generally should be the basic construct , public transportation, rather than the subsidiray product of highly developed society like the Internet.

grace9210

呼呼，
昨天作业太多了没写作文，这是在微机课上写的，

写的挺仓促的会有不少错误， 大家多多包涵啦。

还请大家多多指点~

grace9210

阿伦艾弗森 发表于 2013-6-19 16:15
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谢谢阿伦同学的指点~

那个so content is our attitude ti life是我们对生活过于满足，应该是我没表示明白
was修饰的是intentions.

我们学校的老师前一阵总让我们分析长难句啊什么的，天天都见不到短句子了...应该是受那个的影响吧，然后自己总是不自觉的写，然后还写不好....

grace9210

louzhou 发表于 2013-6-19 16:21
红色错误，蓝色表建议，高亮表赞。
由于找不到删除线,用下划线表删除...

谢谢指点~~~嘿嘿谢谢鼓励~~

我也觉得论点我总是写不正确，偏题啊偏题。
不知道练论点这个应该怎么练，能给我写建议么~~

最后谢谢啊