[写作小分队] Bazinga∮ 的 11 月17 日TOEFL，求大神们不要嫌弃我

jiaosisisisi

我以后要大规模练习了，请CDer 都快来帮帮我吧！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！

jiaosisisisi

8月6日 独立
（请大家弱弱地拍我砖头）
high school students should take a course on basic economics.
高中学生应该开设经济基础课程
经济日益发展，许多学生在高中开始接触理财投资，但是对这些知识十分匮乏
许多人在工作后，由于对理财知识的匮乏，每天努力工作却得交更多税欠更多的债。
许多家长都会忽视这些问题，并且自身也对于经济学科知识匮乏。学习这些知识只能靠课外书籍来补充，但是许多书籍都过于专业化，学生不够独立学习。
The rapid development of economy，what arouse wide public concern is that high school students should take a course on basic economics. As far as I am concerned, the knowledge of economics is indispensable to a person who must adapt oneself to the development of society. And I have a couple of reasons.


In the first place, many high school students have faced to the issue of finance. For example a number of students have credit cards but they don’t know how to avoid credit card debt. If the high school will offer the courses of basic economics, it can help them to solve these problems.
In high school, we all remember these courses, like Physics, Chemistry, history, geography and Math. We took much time to study these courses. We can’t be very good to apply this knowledge learned into our life unless it is our profession. But, no matter what is our profession, we all need the basic knowledge in our work and life. Nonetheless the inadequate knowledge of basic economics is a widespread issue. So the importance of basic economics can’t be ignored.
Not only the student lacks the knowledge of economic, but also their parents ignore the importance of economic. The high school student can only read the extracurricular books to learn it. But reading these book without tutoring is to difficult to them ,and their parents can’t help them. So the high school should take course to help student to know the basic economics
.

hjl80959

蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误



high school students should take a course on basic economics.
高中学生应该开设经济基础课程
经济日益发展，许多学生在高中开始接触理财投资，但是对这些知识十分匮乏
许多人在工作后，由于对理财知识的匮乏，每天努力工作却得交更多税欠更多的债。
许多家长都会忽视这些问题，并且自身也对于经济学科知识匮乏。学习这些知识只能靠课外书籍来补充，但是许多书籍都过于专业化，学生不够独立学习。
The rapid development of economy(连词去哪了？Along with the rapid development of)，what arouse(第三那人称单数) wide public concern is that high school students should take a course on basic economics. As far as I am concerned, the knowledge of economics is indispensable to a person who must adapt oneself to the development of society. And I have a couple of reasons.
开头中规中矩，没什么问题

In the first place, many high school students have faced to the issue of finance. For example a number of students have credit cards but they don’t know how to avoid credit card debt. If the high school will offer the courses of basic economics, it can help them to solve these problems. As old saying goes: never put your all ages in a basket. The economics helps us more comprehensively understand how to manage the money. For example, Mike, who is my friend, is accustomed to storing parts of his money in the bank, and utilizing the rest to wholesale snacks for selling or investing into stock market. Even though he will confront some problems in parts of investment, the money he earns from other parts can compensate for that and outstrips the loss……省略

也太短了吧，example？

我觉得这个切入点就很好，我没有想到，不过楼主这个写作是不是时间不够还是什么情况？


In high school, we all remember these courses, like Physics, Chemistry, history, geography and Math. We took much time to study these courses. （连词 nevertheless，）We can’t be very good to（be good at applying or skilled at or proficient in ） apply this knowledge learned into our life unless it is our profession. But, no matter what is our profession, we all need the basic knowledge in our work and life. (take a phenomenon as an example, 可以谈谈人们头脑过热盲目的投资房地产，税收那个不太好说我觉得因为怎么说都会觉得是合理避税，不太as the price of real estate is overheated in recent society, so is the public attitude to the real estate. Following with many others’ steps, people in increasing number are investing in the real estate without consideration, which is likely to result in a nightmare. ) Nonetheless the inadequate knowledge of basic economics is a widespread issue. So the importance of basic economics can’t be ignored.

同一个问题
Not only the student lacks the knowledge of economic, but also their parents ignore the importance of economic. The high school student can only read the extracurricular books to learn it. But reading these book without tutoring is to difficult to them ,and their parents can’t help them. So the high school should take course to help student to know the basic economics



In sum, granted the presentation of benefits of economics above, the course is conducive to developing prudent abilities of students in some parts, such arranging finance, investment, abundant knowledge.

总的来说写的作文结构没什么大问题，语句也很通顺流畅，就是可能打字速度不够，如果你时间不紧的话不需要现在就掐时间，先丰富内容才是王道。例子找的都不错，最好每段都展开一下，好好加油。我帮你加的是我的用法和习惯有时间你可以自己再重写一遍，这样更好。



By the time, if you can not finish the competition next time and only write down sketch in Chinese, it is not my responsibility to complement for you, ok? What a tough work!!!

jiaosisisisi

8.17独立Is the most important characteristic of a good political or business leader is the ability to take responsibility for mistakes?
There have been a lot of good political and business leaders in history. When we look up to these great political and business leaders, we should take into consideration what are important characteristics of good leadership should have. Some people hold the view that the ability to take responsibility for mistakes. Personally, I believe the ability is important, but it isn’t the most important characteristic.

First and foremost, a good leader should regard how to prevent the occurrence of error. We don’t want to that happened because of the leader’s neglect of the existing problems，and mistakes due to carelessness may have serious consequences. Additionally it may bring some unnecessary bothering that we must take more energy to solve the problem. So as a great leader, he must summarize experience and check work to prevent the mistakes.

In the second place, a majority of mistakes can be remedy, but some grievous injury will be unrecoverable. Any the negligence of work and technical errors may bring about serious accident and injury. Even the leaser take responsibility for mistakes bravely, the tragedies have happened. For instance, we still remembered it this past July when faulty software led to a horrific collision of a new bullet train around the prosperous town of Wenzhou, near Shanghai. Just a small mistake killed 40 people. Then China’s parliament had sacked the minister responsible for building the high
speed network. The minister has taken the responsibility for mistake but the people who dead in this accident never can resurrect.

Lastly, a great leader has to possess other quality like, selfless spirit experience and cultural knowledge, creativity, foresight, sense of cooperation and other comprehensive quality. Just as the great political or business leaders in the history, like Steve Jobs.

In summary, we know for a good political or business leader the ability to take responsibility for mistakes isn’t the most important characteristic. There is other important comprehensive quality they must possess.

winnie98

批改：8.17独立Is the most important characteristic of a good political or business leader is the ability to take responsibility for mistakes?


There have been a lot of good political and business leaders in history. When we look up to these great political and business leaders, we should take into consideration what are(删) important characteristics of good leadership should have. Some people hold the view that the ability to take responsibility for mistakes. Personally, I believe the ability is important, but it isn’t the most important characteristic.

First and foremost, a good leader should regard how to prevent the occurrence of error. We don’t want to(删) that happened because of the leader’s neglect of the existing problems，and mistakes due to carelessness may have serious consequences. Additionally, it may bring some unnecessary bothering that we must take more energy to solve the problem. So(可以用Thus/Consequently替换,且连词后最好加标点) as a great leader, he must summarize experience and check work to prevent the mistakes.

In the second place, a majority of mistakes can be remedy, but some grievous injury will be unrecoverable. Any the negligence of work and technical errors may bring about serious accident and injury. Even the leaser take responsibility for mistakes bravely, the tragedies have happened. For instance, we still remembered it this past July when faulty software led to a horrific collision of a new bullet train around the prosperous town of Wenzhou, near Shanghai. Just a small mistake killed 40 people. Then China’s parliament had sacked(此处用一般过去时即可,这个不是过去的过去) the minister who was(后面修饰有点长,可以改成定从)responsible for building the high speed network. The minister has taken the responsibility for mistake but the people who dead(were dead) in this accident never can resurrect.

Lastly, a great leader has to possess other quality(qualities当品质品德时可数) like, selfless spirit experience and cultural knowledge, creativity, foresight, sense of cooperation and other comprehensive quality. Just as the great political or business leaders in the history, like Steve Jobs.
此处例子如果描述的再详细些会更生动

In summary, we know for a good political or business leader the ability to take responsibility for mistakes isn’t the most important characteristic. There is other important comprehensive quality they must possess.


整体思路清晰，有个别语言错误。
建议：1.加强字数。
          2.主体部分：最好是先些2段支持，最后1段稍微反驳。一个时以防在考场时间不够，要先些最重要的。另外是这么写更生动有力。
          3.个人觉得第二段的观点角度不是很好，容易被误会是加强证明responsibility for mistakes的观点。

jiaosisisisi

9.3独立
Do you agree that it is better to spend money ontraveling and vacation than save
money for the future.  
How do you want to spend your summer vacation? Somebody says they just want play the computer, surf the internet, do a part time job and stay at home to save money for new iphone or fashionable dress. As far as I am concerned, I prefer to use my money to have a indelible experience.
In my view, on the one hand, absenting on a tour can enrich knowledge and expend oneself horizons. When I was junior student ,I wasn’t good at history. But the experience in xian changed me .xian , the eternal city ,record the great changes of Chinese nation just like a lining history book. I can study the long history of china by visiting the museum and monuments. The history of books isn’t easy to remember,      but I was very impressed by learning cultural objects. So sometime traveling can make me get more get more knowledge than reading books.
On the other hand, traveling can bring back many happy memories and make your wonderful life unparalleled. In my personal opinion the most important factor is that traveling can allow you to form new friendships. Now the International Youth Hostel sweep the world. Some teenagers like to travel alone, and they also don’t have many money. The youth hostel is a best choice. In there you can make friends with people who are from all over the world. In addition, you can make new local friends too on your trip. If we just stay at home, you would only have loneliness.
Furthermore, working long time will bring pressure, and it will lead to reduce efficiency of work. But the most important is that it is bad for your health. Traveling can make you get in touch with nature. Several studies now show that even a limited dose of the natural, such as a chance to look at the outside world through a window, is good for one’s health. So it's important to take some time to connect with nature by traveling. After all, money can buy medicaments, but can not buy health. So take your money to travel.
Generally speaking, the time went fast and we never know what happens in the future. Maybe tomorrow is the end of the world. So it is better to spend money on traveling than save money for further.

beiyezi

我放附件里了，看着方便

jiaosisisisi

9.3独立
Do you agree that it is better to spend money ontraveling and vacation than save
money for the future.

总体评价：
如果没记错的话，这是你写的最认真的一篇文章吧，因为你开头，one hand，另hand，其次，最后，居然用了五段，辛苦了，哈哈哈哈～～～每个独立段落，大体结构很不错了，完全符合独立的写作思路，而且具体到每段自身的遣词造句方面，关联词的掌握很不错，尤其是在每个段落的开头上面，还有中间很多部分的平缓连接上下句上。
BUT
不过对于审题环节一定不能脱离了题目的focus，文章意思是
钱的两种用途意义在哪里，你的大意是：讲旅游好。
不过你最后一段还是很不错的，精简，而且又扣回了题目，我觉得你的中间段落
应该学习最后一段，每一段的结尾都回视下到底，本段的论点跟全文的论点是什么关系，如何支撑或者如何反驳，这样你的就可以紧扣主题了。

How do you want to spend your summer vacation?
(全文的对比第一层意思是A和B  跟 C的比较，不能把B扔掉了，最好还是提一下吧)
(而且仔细分析文章的中心意思，其实不是简单地对比A和B  与C 之间的比较，
而是说当你花钱时候 你愿意把钱放到A和B呢？ 还是把钱攒起来去C）
因此文章一定不能脱离 spend money
我建议第一句可以这样开始：
What do you usually deal with your pocket money? Some people says that they always feel crazy about the satisfaction after spending their money on traveling all over the country or doing shopping during the two vacations. Other people bla bla bla .As far as I am concerned, I prefer to use my money to have a indelible experience.

Somebody says they (如果这里用they ，那么首句最好对应一下，用some people )just want play the computer, surf the internet, do a part time job and stay at home to save money for new iphone or fashionable dress. As far as I am concerned, I prefer to use my money to have a indelible experience.

总结：你第一段的逻辑是：你如何度过暑假呢？有人玩电脑，有人上网，有人攒钱买爱凤姐，
而就我所言，我喜欢花钱来换取一个美妙的经历。你前面说的是如何过假期，后面说的是如何花钱。
我写的意思是，你平常如何处置零花钱，有人觉得花钱去旅游或者假期购物很爽，有人觉得攒钱很不错，而我认为应该用钱来换取难忘的经历。

In my view, on the one hand, absenting on a tour can enrich knowledge and expend oneself （这里需要一个形容词，one's 即可）horizons. （这里可以加一句Take me as an example,凑个字数挺不错，而且转换更加平缓）When I was（一定记得给可数名词前面加A/an/the，这里加a就可以了） junior student ,I wasn’t good at history. But the experience in xian changed me .xian , the eternal city ,record the great changes of Chinese nation just like a lining history book. I can study the long history of China by visiting the museum and monuments. The history of books isn’t easy to remember, but I was very impressed by learning cultural objects. So sometime traveling can make me get more get more knowledge than reading books.

On the other hand, traveling can bring back many happy memories and make your wonderful life unparalleled. In my personal opinion the most important factor is that traveling can allow you to form new friendships. Now the International Youth Hostel（单复数IYH has swept） sweep the world. Some teenagers like to travel alone, and they also don’t have many money. The youth hostel is a best choice. In there you（你的很多口语论述和作文都会提及you，我认为你如果是在论证一个观点就最好，站到外面，来观看they，最好多用第三人称代词，而不是模拟一个面对面的说教场面，一直用you，这和你的文章立足点感觉很不和谐,我不知道我表达的是否足够清楚，不过我觉得不能一会儿you ，一会儿说the people can，让人感觉你的谈论对象一直在变）can make friends with people who are from all over the world. In addition, you can make new local friends too on your trip. If we just stay at home, you would only have loneliness.

Furthermore, working long time will bring pressure, and it will lead to reduce efficiency of work. But the most important is that it is bad for your health. Traveling can make you get in touch with nature. Several studies now show that even a limited dose of the natural, such as a chance to look at the outside world through a window, is good for one’s health. So it's important to take some time to connect with nature by traveling. After all, money can buy medicaments, but can not buy health. So take your money to travel.

Generally speaking, the time went fast and we never know what happens in the future. Maybe tomorrow is the end of the world. So it is better to spend money on traveling than save money for further.

最后希望，小LEEK，加油，你会攻克TOEFL的，你是最棒的～～～

jiaosisisisi

Nowadays, a majority of schools all hold at many times test, and use the marks to rank. Because so many teachers and parents hold the view  that marks can encourages student to learn. But most of students don’t believe that marks can inspire them to study.

on the one hand ,the low grades may freeze their enthusiasm of study. For example, my desk mate Grace, who is an extremely hardworking student. She comes school very early to memorize English words every day. But in an exam ,she didn’t achieve a good result. And it made a heavy strike to her in a certain extent. Finally she even though she pay more efforts, she can’t gain a high score, and she never want to put in efforts. Therefore the low grads can not only encourage students, but also strike them

on the other hand, high scores can sometimes be harmful to students.
Actually, it’s potentially dangerous if a student gets top score of a certain subject because the students who are in high marks will make the judgment that they no longer need improvement and keep satisfied with themselves. In other word, those who get high grades has narrowed their horizons because they fail to focus someone better than them. Take my friend Saikon as an example, he used to get a extremely high score , and he got a master degree .but now he just think he is the best in the school and the high scores makes him feel very pride ,and he is more and more arrogant. It obstruct the step of endeavor for him. So high scores sometime is unprofitable to student ,and it also didn’t work to encourage them to study.

Besides, in my view the most important and real sense of factor is ideality ,a lot of encouragement and support from their parents, teachers and peers. Hope is the brace to support student to study ,and when they face the difficult, only the encouragement from other people can help them to overcome it. Marks is important in some case but without ideality and encouragement from friend , teachers and parents ,student couldn’t keep struggling.

So generally speaking, what ever the low or high marks ,it can’t influence student to study ,they just need ideality and encouragement.

safeandsound

Nowadays, a majority of schools all hold at many times test,（抱歉，没太看明白、、是举行很多次考试吗？而且hold不太对啊、、） and use the marks to (do the)rank. Because so many teachers and parents hold the view that marks can encourages student to learn.（Because 不能单独使用）But most of students don’t believe that marks can inspire（不合适，还是encourage/motivate吧、、） them to study.

On the one hand ,the low grades may freeze their enthusiasm of study. For example, my desk mate Grace, who is an extremely hardworking student. She, comes（arrived） school very early to memorize(recite)English words every day. But in an exam ,she didn’t achieve a good result. And it made(was undeniably)a heavy strike to her in a certain extent(还是肯定一点好吧、、). Finally she even though she pay（paid） more efforts, she can’t(didn’t) gain a high score, and (from then on,)she never want to put in efforts(she gave up putting more efforts in study). Therefore the low grades can not only encourage students, but also(mostly) strike themas well.

On the other hand, high scores can sometimes be harmful to students.Actually, it’s potentially dangerous if a student gets top score of(receive relatively high score in) a certain subject because the students who are in high marksthey will make the judgment (have an illusion) that they no longer need improvement and keep satisfied with themselves. In other word, those who get high grades has(have)narrowed their horizons because they fail to focus onsomeone better than them. Take my friend Saikon as an example, he used to get a extremely high score , and he got a master degree. But now he just think he is the best in the school and the high scores makes(make)him feel very pride( proud ) ,and he is more and more arrogant. It obstructsthehisstep of endeavor for him. So high scores sometime isunprofitable (have negative effects) to students ,and it also didn’t work to encourage them to study( and scores always fail to encourage them to study).

Besides, in my view the most important and real sense of factor is ideality(虾米意思？),a lot of encouragement and supports from their parents, teachers and peers. Hope is the brace to support student to study ,and when they face the difficult, only the encouragement from other people can help them to overcome it. （仍旧没懂、）Marks isareimportant in some case but without ideality and encouragement from friend , teachers and parents ,（换几个词、、尽量避免此类重复）student couldn’t keep struggling（moving on）.

So generally speaking, whatever （no matter）the low or high marksstudents get ,it can’t influence student to study ,they just need ideality and encouragement. (scores cannot push students to learn. Instead, what they need are ideality and encouragement.)

话说，下次记得加链接啊

另外，语法错误和单词错误有点多、、建议看看大学四级单词书上的每个单词的用法、、同时积累一些好词好句，多看几篇范文、、网上都有、、

还有，可以尽量写一些分析和不是那么个人化的举例、、

加油！！