yoyo的作文贴

muluobinglan · 发表于 2014-9-18 01:21:59

目标已达到 103

muluobinglan · 发表于 2014-9-24 22:32:53

..........

angla · 发表于 2014-9-24 23:14:36

亲。我昨天的作文你没有给我改哦

loverony713 · 发表于 2014-9-24 23:15:19

muluobinglan 发表于 2014-9-24 22:32
Will people have more free time in the future 20 years? It really depends. Since the industry revolu ...

Will people have more free time in the future 20 years? It really depends（depends就证明你要分情况讨论了可是你并没有慎用）. Since(后面加完整的句子) the industry revolution and information revolution, the pace of our life become(三单) faster and more and more information we deal with daily(and后面并列的成分不完整你前面都是有主谓宾的). However, I prefer to say that(建议年看看表达观点的句子这个有点随意和口语化) we would not have more leisure time in the coming 20 years.

Because of the invention of light bulb, our daily time is extended to some degree. It seems that we have more time to spend than ever before so that we may have more leisure time(比较不好一直都是一天24小时明白我的意思了么). However, facts always go to another way(表达不好). When it comes to the work-life balance, a survey did(conducted by ) by University of Wisconsin-Madison shows that more than 2/3 people(不规范) think they need to work harder to adapt the work pace. Nearly each of us can feel that(不好) the knowledge is changing so fast that we have to learn things all the time. It seems impossible that we can have more leisure time in the future with this trend.

1 主体句严重不扣题。2论述过程中缺少如何使得休闲时间简短工作变多了？还是什么得具体说原因啊。3没有细节 4句子结构不完整比较致命买本写作书看吧.....

Comparing(compared) with the life in the past, we do have more choices to spend our leisure time.（所以和休闲时间减少有关系么？？？） We can see movies, surfing on the Internet and even travel around the world within several days. However, it also means more people need to work longer time to provide service for various leisure choices.（没说明白什么意思） Within the last 50 years, service industry has developed so fast and almost taken place industry（不对） to be the largest portion of total gross domestic product in most either developing or developed country. The development of service means more labor hours. Especially with aging of population, less labors are available would result in more work time per labor.（这句话说的没有什么逻辑）

1主体句有问题 2 论述跑题没有因果链至少得写出明确的服务业扩张---demanded增加---工作时间增加但是这样说也太空了而且不好举例。

Beside other factors, our own willing is equally important.（还是没有说出来和leisure time的关系） Because of the growth of population and the technology development, the competition in our life is stiff（用词不当）. We need to work harder and learning（并列时态不对） more things to keep competitive edge. If we want to spend more time on entertainment, it means we might have to sacrifice the opportunity to have promotion and sometimes even have risks of being fired（完全没有道理啊你得解释为什么）. Then, it comes to the questions if most people still want to spend more time on entertainment.（所以和free time的关系是？？？） As we know, about 5% population owns about 95% fortune in the world（fortune是啥？数字显得太假而且这和结论也没什么关系吧）, which means most people would be more willing to improve themselves in their free time.

All in all, we have reasons to believe that most people would have either the same amount of leisure time or even less within 20 years.这和less的概念可不一样哦。最好只说一个观点。

muluobinglan · 发表于 2014-9-25 04:11:47

muluobinglan 发表于 2014-9-24 22:32
Will people have more free time in the future 20 years? It really depends. Since the industry revolu ...

不好意思啦因为我跟国内有时差白天要上课所以我晚上给你改哈

muluobinglan · 发表于 2014-9-25 04:15:29

angla 发表于 2014-9-24 23:14
亲。我昨天的作文你没有给我改哦

多谢啦～～有没有什么写作书推荐呜呜实在是写论文写多了完全写东西没啥章法了或者哪里可以有pdf 版的呀我在国外买不到啊 T_T

angla · 发表于 2014-9-25 12:16:40

muluobinglan 发表于 2014-9-25 04:15
多谢啦～～有没有什么写作书推荐呜呜实在是写论文写多了完全写东西没啥章法了或者哪里可以有pdf 版的 ...

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yoyo的作文贴

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