饼干小熊作文贴，求狠批，求指正，9/8考试~8/23更新

饼干小熊 · 发表于 2013-7-28 18:51:00

8月中旬考试
打算把写的作文贴上来给大家观摩，求指正！

记录：
7/28 OG test1 综合不限时 305字 Meerket
7/31 TPO 1 独立不限时 397字学校投资运动&社交应该与图书馆&课程一样多？
8/4  TPO24 综合不限时 266子 T.rex 腿骨头
8/7  写作小分队独立不限时 434字  现在比过去更容易保持健康？
8/11~8/17 写了4篇机经作文，先不贴上来了~
8/18 TPO 12 综合 40min 246字  Jane Austen的画像争议
8/19 TPO 13 综合写作小分队 239字个人搜集化石的好坏处
8/20 TPO 14 综合写作小分队 232字伐木火灾森林的好坏
8/21 TPO 15 综合写作小分队 276字甘蔗蟾蜍
8/22 TPO 16 综合写作小分队 227字英国考古

饼干小熊 · 发表于 2013-7-28 21:25:52

7/28 OG test1 综合写作
不限时 305字

酝酿一下午，写了OG的第一个test里面的综合写作。
写完发现漏掉了一个观点...因为阅读第二段没仔细看....

写得时候还在想，这个多出来的观点是干啥的？？
贴在这里引以为戒吧...

The brief reading passage is concerned with altruism, a certain type of animal behavior which is the opposite of selfishness, and provides an example - the behaviors of meerkat- to illustrate that many animals are performing altruistic acts. However, the lecturer points out the recently findings is contradict what the reading passages states.

First of all, the author of the reading passage suggests that the meerkat who acts as sentinel gains nothing, so it might suffering hunger while the others are eating what they have obtained. But the professor argues in the lecture that the meerkat is already have a full stomach before being a sentinel, which means it does not sacrifice its food to assistant other group members.

Moreover, the reading consider the sentinel meerkate place itself in grave danger during the standing guard. But the professor contends that the sentinel meerkate can escape immediately after give an alarm. Because, obviously, the sentinel meerkat will be the first one to see the predator and it usually stand near a burrow. In other words, the situation might be more dangerous for the other meerkates since they might stand away from the burrow and have no other shelter which protects them from being prey.

Lastly, the proferssor cites a study claims that the after the alarm cry, the other meerkates might stay together and move quickly, this kind of behavior is more easily to draw the predator. This study is contrary to the statement in the reading passage that the sentinel meerkates has to flee alone after the alarm and made itself more at risk to a predator.

In conclusion, the professor disproves the statement in reading passage, questions some altruistic acts in human behavior, and then reveals the facts under the appearances. Thus, individual looks like performing altruistic act might still gain something for themselves.

饼干小熊 · 发表于 2013-7-31 01:00:31

7/31 TPO test1 独立不限时 397字
参考10天学会托福写作

憋了一下午一个字也写不出，最后写到晚上1点...吐血求批改！！

1. Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
At universities and colleges, sports and social activities are just as important as classes and libraries and should receive equal financial support. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

It is generally arguable that most universities and colleges are intending to allocate their money in classes and libraries, such as hire good professors, improve teaching tool and so on, but unlikely to put equal money to support sports and social activities in campus. But in present-day society, sports and social activities are play an increasingly significant role in well-rounded education and are more important for other reasons. Thus, the universities and colleges are supposed to allocate as much money to sports and social activities as to the libraries and classes.

As academic institutions, universities are obligate to fund libraries to help students cope with heavy workload or provide more academic resource; however, should cultivate well-rounded talents be one of the priority goals of a university or college? Will you feel more confident after four years tertiary-level educations then find yourself not only be proficient in academic but also good at sports and social activities? The answers are certainly “Yes”. Does the graduate can count as a well-rounded talent if he has litter social skill or weak in sports? Now you know the answer is “No”. Technically, the talent development in a well-rounded way should good at in all aspects, which surely include sports and social skills.

Yet we should consider is doing sports and attending social activities is another kind of training or learning in school. Sports can shape our figure, promote the student’s physical development and, more importantly, train our perseverance. Social activities can improve our interpersonal skill and build our network. The experience what we learned from sports and social activities is decisive to cultivate sound personalities and develop important skills in the future.

Additionally, student those who regularly workout can get a healthy body and can increase their energy and those who attend social activities can spend a while for recreation and make new friends These positive activities make school life colorful, make them full of energy and well-prepared for dedicate to the academic study. In other words, improve their efficiency of learning.

For those reasons above, we cannot despise the role which sports and social activities play. Hence, they are supposed to receive equal financial support as classes and libraries do.

饼干小熊 · 发表于 2013-8-4 17:25:48

8/4 综合TPO24
266字不限时

The reading passage is concerned with the discovery of materials that seem to be remains of blood vessels, red blood cells, and collagen matrix in the T.rex’s leg bone. However, the statement of the professor’s lecture, which is contradicts that of the reading, provide other explanations for the discovery.

First, even though the reading passage suggest that the presence of a soft, flexible organic substance inside the branching channels in the leg bones may represent the remains of the actual blood vessels of T.rex. But the professor in the lecture argues that the substance could be something else, probably it is the residue made by the bacterium lived inside the hollows in the bone.

Furthermore, the professor refutes the statement in the reading that the spheres, which contained iron, had dark red centers and about the size of red blood cells, found by the researcher could be the remains of red blood cells. He verifies that this claim is indefensible by pointing out that they find the same spheres in the animal fossils located close to the T.rex, but some of the animals don’t have red blood cells when they are alive, so the spheres may be some reddish mineral.

Finally, the professor asserts that the collagen could be from the researcher’s hands instead of from the T.rex fossil as the reading indicates. Then he supports his assertion with the fact that no collagen has ever been found in animal remains older than a thousand years.

In conclusion, the professor clearly refutes the weaknesses in the reading passage and convincingly provided another explanation for the discovery.

hemodata · 发表于 2013-8-5 21:18:08

饼干小熊发表于 2013-8-4 17:25
8/4 综合TPO24
266字不限时

The reading passage is concerned with the discovery of materials that seem to be remains of blood vessels, red blood cells, and collagen matrix in the T.rex’s leg bone. However, the statement of the professor’s lecture, which is contradicts that of the reading, provides other explanations for the discovery.

First, even though句子只有一个分句，这个词没有表转折的内容对应它 the reading passage suggests that the presence of a soft, flexible organic substance inside the branching channels in the leg bones may represent the remains of the actual blood vessels of T.rex. But the professor in the lecture argues that the substance could be something else, probably it is the residue made by the bacterium lived inside the hollows in the bone.需要增加一句，说清楚为什么教师的话反驳了原文的内容。

Furthermore, the professor refutes the statement in the reading that the spheres, which contained iron, had dark red centers and about the size of red blood cells, found by the researcher could be the remains of red blood cells. He verifies that this claim is indefensible by pointing out that they指代谁？ find the same spheres in the animal fossils located close to the T.rex, but some of the animals don’t have red blood cells when they are alive, so the spheres may be some reddish mineral.

Finally, the professor asserts that the collagen could be from the researcher’s hands instead of from the T.rex fossil as the reading indicates. Then he supports his assertion with the fact that no collagen has ever been found in animal remains older than a thousand years.

In conclusion, the professor clearly refutes the weaknesses in the reading passage and convincingly provided another explanation for the discovery.

hemodata · 发表于 2013-8-5 21:27:04

最近要准备重考托福，所以今天逛作文这边，刚好看到你的=）

综写每一段的小结论很重要，就是讲清楚原文和讲座的直接关系。

饼干小熊 · 发表于 2013-8-6 19:42:50

hemodata 发表于 2013-8-5 21:27
最近要准备重考托福，所以今天逛作文这边，刚好看到你的=）

综写每一段的小结论很重要，就是讲清楚原文和 ...

555555555报名了小分队也没人批改偶的作文太桑心了...

太感谢了！看来不能偷懒漏写总结！

饼干小熊 · 发表于 2013-8-7 11:41:14

8/7 写作小分队
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Nowadays it is easier to maintain good health than in the past.

In all ages, people are in pursuit of stay healthy. It’s generally arguable that being healthy is vitally important to our everyday life. But is it become easier to maintain good health than in the past? Obviously, achieving good health is much easier in present-day society.

In the first place, with the advancement of medicine and pharmacy, the patient mortality has been reduced markedly and, in the meantime, the cure rate has been increased significantly since the past few centuries. Not to mention phthisis, smallpox and consumption, even though these diseases are used to be the most feared all over the world, they are fairly easy to overcome in the present-day with antibiotics or vaccine. Thus, people nowadays are benefit from the advanced medical care, state-of-the-art medical apparatus and instruments and the regular hospital so that they can more easier to get rid of the illness and then regain their health more than in the ancient.

Moreover, people at present can acquire a comprehensive knowledge of achieving health. On one hand, education is helping people understand the necessity of health and cultivate good habit. For me, my hygienic habit has been cultivated since childhood and there were a series of healthy related required courses provided in schools from primary-level to tertiary-level. On the other hand, the modern society provides a huge resources and information in health area. You can read health tips on everyday newspapers, or periodicals; you can easily to find a psychologist to help you maintain mental health, a fitness instructor to guide you keep fit, or just a health advisor to support you gain overall health; the emerging industry of health care also can cover your special healthy needs. The development of health education and health related industrials are always keep pace with the technological innovations in modern times.

Finally, the stable and prosperous society at present-day is an important factor in determining people’s health. Imaging that if you were still living in the wartime, for example the times of World WAR, were you more concern about keeping health instead of surviving? The privation in the wartime make you only care about finding something to fulfill your stomach than to having a healthy diet. Hence, the modern society affords people a sense of security, staying an easy life without worrying about danger is the prerequisite for people’s health.

For all the reasons I illustrated above, though there is some adverse effects on people’s health i.e. environmental pollutions, but it only plague modern people to some degree. Technological developments and increase in health awareness makes it easier for people to retain health.

jacki1 · 发表于 2013-8-8 19:21:19

8/7 写作小分队

Do you agree ordisagree with the following statement?

Nowadays it iseasier to maintain good health than in the past.

In all ages,people are in pursuit of stay healthy(staying). It’s generally arguable thatbeing healthy is vitally important to our everyday life. But is it becomeeasier to maintain good health than in the past? Obviously, achieving goodhealth is much easier in present-day society. (第一段写的要清晰一些，可以陈述论点顺带着提一下分论点)

In the firstplace, with the advancement of medicine and pharmacy, the patient mortality hasbeen reduced markedly and, in the meantime, the cure rate has been increasedsignificantly since the past few centuries. Not to mention phthisis, smallpoxand consumption, even though these diseases are used to be the most feared allover the world, they are fairly easy to overcome in the present-day withantibiotics or vaccine. Thus, people nowadays arebenefit from the advanced medical care, state-of-the-art medicalapparatus and instruments and the regular hospital so that they can more easier to get rid of the illness and thenregain their health more than in the ancient.（其实从医疗的角度写很好，如果是我我会举一个实例：X-ray等技术用来看病，这在以前是不可能的。Advancement of medical care tech has contributed so much inmaintaining residents’ health. Fox example, X-ray can be used to detectpatients’ bone structure, which is absolutely impossible in the past.）

Moreover, peopleat present can acquire a comprehensive knowledge of achieving health. On onehand, education is helping people understand the necessity of health andcultivate good habit. For me, my hygienic habit has been cultivated sincechildhood and there were a series of healthy related required courses providedin schools from primary-level to tertiary-level. On the other hand, the modernsociety provides a huge resources and information in health area. You can readhealth tips on everyday newspapers, or periodicals; you can easily to find apsychologist to help you maintain mental health, a fitness instructor to guideyou keep fit, or just a health advisor to support you gain overall health; theemerging industry of health care also can cover your special healthy needs. Thedevelopment of health education and health related industrials are always keeppace with the technological innovations in modern times.（这段观点不明确，现在的人需要综合的知识来维持健康，这个观点无法直接证明总观点吧，建议第一句分论点陈述清晰些然后围绕这个观点陈述）

Finally, thestable and prosperous society at present-day is an important factor indetermining people’s health. Imaging that if you were still living in thewartime, for example the times of World WAR, were you more concerned about keeping health instead of surviving? Theprivation in the wartime make you only care about finding something to fulfillyour stomach than to having a healthy diet. Hence, the modern society affordspeople a sense of security, staying an easy life without worrying about dangeris the prerequisite for people’s health.(2,3段论述，这段建议让步来写，虽然也有人认为现在不健康因为作息不规律劳动负荷大工作时间忙网络上瘾等)

For all thereasons I illustrated above, though there is some adverse effects on people’shealth i.e. environmental pollutions, but it only plagues modern people to some degree. Technological developments and increase（increasing）in health awareness makes it easier for people to retain health.(请注意1单复数2v-ing形式3第三人称等基础语法！)

饼干小熊 · 发表于 2013-8-8 22:50:50

jacki1 发表于 2013-8-8 19:21
8/7 写作小分队
Do you agree ordisagree with the following statement?
Nowadays it iseasier to maintai ...

哈，我明天帮你改哈，今天没带电脑。。。

饼干小熊作文贴，求狠批，求指正，9/8考试~8/23更新

所属分类: TOEFL / IELTS

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