新作文，求修改。马上就要考试了。急到哭。

monicafish · 发表于 2012-10-24 17:12:45

Do youagree or disagree the opinions of celebrities, such as certain entertainment and athletes, are more important for younger peoplethan older people.
（50 分钟496字)
Have you ever thought about the different interests,such as on entertainment and athletes, between older and younger people? Whatresults the differences? And do you agree the opinions of celebrities are moreimportant among younger people rather than the older one?
Personallyspeaking, I definitely disagree with this opinion. As we know certainentertainment and athletes are beneficial for the health no matter physicallyor mentally. They also offer access to bringing about abundant life styles. Additionally,unexpected gains may come out.

Firstly, both ofentertainment and athletes are the close friends of health. Commonly, everyoneis born for pursuing happiness in life. Basically, to maintain healthy is thefirst step to achieve the life-long goal. Living in current society, peoplefrom younger people to the old one are emerged into various pressures. Youngerpeople worry about daily school work, relationship with friends and being proudof children of their parents. Older people struggle with working pressure,feeding on family, paying for the endless bills, etc. In this case, pressureturns to be the final criminal of the health. New kind of diseases comes to ourlives. There is no doubt that the entertainment and athletes should takeactions to disposed of pressure and protect our health, so that people from young to oldcan continue to obtain their happiness.

Secondly,entertainment and athletes make life different. Can you imagine what kind oflife people lead who are lack of these kind of celebrities. Actually, I am theforemost example to prove that the celebrities are necessities for yourinteresting life. Actually, I am not a person who likes to go out to take exercise.Between indoors and outdoors activities, I prefer to stay at home and readbooks. However, some unpleased consequence come to me because of this badhabit. My friends begin to laugh at my weight. My belly comes out and my faceis not pretty as a lady any more. What is the worst is that my brain worksslowly. Commonly, good shape of body is one of sources of confidence forpeople. No one can deny it, especially for older people and young people. Goodshape of body makes walking easier, more gently and work more efficiently. Foryoung people, we need good shape so that heavy weight will not be the obstacleof hard study. On the other side, old people take good use of good shape oncommunicate with their customers with clear brain. Virtually, I begin to dancewhich is my favorite exercise. During dancing, I regain not only a good shapebut also, the most important, confidence. As we know, the benefit of exercisedo not tell the difference from different ages of people. Everyone needs them.

Nevertheless,entertainment and excises are necessary for everyone, no matter for youngerpeople or older people unless they refuse gaining the upcoming benefits due tothe excises, such as physical and mental health, a good body shape, confidence,etc.
问题：
写作的时间和字数总是超时，不知道怎样才能够在有限的时间内达到考试要求呢。。。离考试倒计时7天。

srafcatt · 发表于 2012-10-24 20:24:39

Do you agree or disagree the opinions of celebrities, such as certain entertainment ??and athletes, are more important for younger people than older people.

entertainment ??and athletes, are more important for younger people than older people.
（50 分钟496字) --->你很能写呀，300字就够了，知道不？不用担心。

Personally, I definitely disagree with this opinion. As we know, certain entertainmentand athletes are beneficial for the health,physicallyand mentally. 信姐的，这么写才加分。They also offer access to bringing about abundant life styles.写的很好。 Additionally,unexpected gains may come out.

Firstly, both of(of去掉)entertainment and athletes（这个是运动员的意思，因此它是健康的好朋友不大妥当。） are the close friends of health.Commonly（换成generally，因为commonly用在句子中间更常见）, everyoneis born for pursuing happiness in life. Basically, to maintain（keep healthy） healthy is thefirst step to achieve the life-long goal. Living in current society, peoplefrom younger people（the youth） to the old one are emerged into （suffer from）various pressures（没有s）. Youngerpeople worry about daily school work, relationshipswith friends and being proudof children of their parents.While (转折词加分)Older people struggle with working pressure,feeding on family, paying for the endless bills, etc.非常好。In this case, pressureturns to be the final criminal of the health. New kind of diseases comes to ourlives. There is no doubt that the entertainment and athletes should takeactions to disposed of pressure and protect our health, so that people from young to oldcan continue to obtain their happiness.

Secondly,entertainment and athletes make life different. Can you imagine what kind oflife people lead who are lack of these kind of celebrities. I am the typical example to prove that without proper exercise,life will be boring.I was not a person who likes to go out to take exercise in the past.Between indoors and outdoors activities, I preferred to stay at home and readbooks.非常好。As a result, some unpleased consequences came to me. My friends began to laugh at my weight.My belly were full of fat and my face was not pretty as a charming lady any more. What's worse, my brain worksslowly. I feel painful and ashamed all day long.

Then I decided to change my way of life.I realize that owning a good shape of body is an important way for people to keep confident. No one can deny it,because no matter who you are and how old are you,it works!Now,I keep daily exercise,my mind is fast and everything goes well.Therefore, in my opinion, young peopleneed a good shape so that heavy weight will not be the obstacleof hard study. Likewise,old people with a good shape tend to walk easier,and think faster and clearer when communicating with their customers.

In conclusion,entertainment and excises are necessary for everyone,people benefit a lot from exercise, such as physical and mental health, a good body shape, confidence,etc.

我有点遗憾，由于审题不细，这篇文章跑题了。不过如果是谈论“娱乐和运动对健康有利”，这是篇还算不错的文章。你大可不必担心字数，我删去了你的开头还有中间段说理的冗长的部分，可是即便是这样，仍然超过了300字。

若真的写不出来是思路的问题，有一个比较大众的：这样好，这样好，不这么做不好（也是你的思路哟~）从学习，工作，生活，三个方面来谈。

一个建议：不要用你不会用的词。作用会适得其反哦~

monicafish · 发表于 2012-10-25 00:45:32

Srafcatt, 虽然心里真的希望有高手能够帮我改改作文，指点迷津，毕竟只剩下几天就要T了，但是，老实说，没有抱希望真的有大好人能帮我改，毕竟大家都好忙！晚上，抱着碰运气的想法上来看看，就欣喜地看到你帮我改的文章，感动死啦~ 谢谢你！于由已经凌晨了，时间有点晚，所以我先大致看了一下，真的改的很好！谢谢你！我明天再详细看看，然后把偏题的文章（可能是考试综合症。。总觉得自己还有好多不会，还有好多要学，看着时间。。着急到爆了，所以审题都希望省时间，结果还弄个偏题出来）再写一遍。再次谢谢你啊！真心改的很不错！

晚安~ 加油！

monicafish · 发表于 2012-10-25 00:46:16

Srafcatt, 虽然心里真的希望有高手能够帮我改改作文，指点迷津，毕竟只剩下几天就要T了，但是，老实说，没有抱希望真的有大好人能帮我改，毕竟大家都好忙！晚上，抱着碰运气的想法上来看看，就欣喜地看到你帮我改的文章，感动死啦~ 谢谢你！于由已经凌晨了，时间有点晚，所以我先大致看了一下，真的改的很好！谢谢你！我明天再详细看看，然后把偏题的文章（可能是考试综合症。。总觉得自己还有好多不会，还有好多要学，看着时间。。着急到爆了，所以审题都希望省时间，结果还弄个偏题出来）再写一遍。再次谢谢你啊！真心改的很不错！

晚安~ 加油！

Do you agree or disagree the opinions of celebrities, such as certain entertainment ??and athletes, are more important for younger people than older people.

entertainment ??and athletes, are more important for younger people than older people.
（50 分钟496字) --->你很能写呀，300字就够了，知道不？不用担心。

Personally, I definitely disagree with this opinion. As we know, certain entertainmentand athletes are beneficial for the health,physicallyand mentally. 信姐的，这么写才加分。They also offer access to bringing about abundant life styles.写的很好。 Additionally,unexpected gains may come out.

Firstly, both of(of去掉)entertainment and athletes（这个是运动员的意思，因此它是健康的好朋友不大妥当。） are the close friends of health.Commonly（换成generally，因为commonly用在句子中间更常见）, everyoneis born for pursuing happiness in life. Basically, to maintain（keep healthy） healthy is thefirst step to achieve the life-long goal. Living in current society, peoplefrom younger people（the youth） to the old one are emerged into （suffer from）various pressures（没有s）. Youngerpeople worry about daily school work, relationshipswith friends and being proudof children of their parents.While (转折词加分)Older people struggle with working pressure,feeding on family, paying for the endless bills, etc.非常好。In this case, pressureturns to be the final criminal of the health. New kind of diseases comes to ourlives. There is no doubt that the entertainment and athletes should takeactions to disposed of pressure and protect our health, so that people from young to oldcan continue to obtain their happiness.

Secondly,entertainment and athletes make life different. Can you imagine what kind oflife people lead who are lack of these kind of celebrities. I am the typical example to prove that without proper exercise,life will be boring.I was not a person who likes to go out to take exercise in the past.Between indoors and outdoors activities, I preferred to stay at home and readbooks.非常好。As a result, some unpleased consequences came to me. My friends began to laugh at my weight.My belly were full of fat and my face was not pretty as a charming lady any more. What's worse, my brain worksslowly. I feel painful and ashamed all day long.

Then I decided to change my way of life.I realize that owning a good shape of body is an important way for people to keep confident. No one can deny it,because no matter who you are and how old are you,it works!Now,I keep daily exercise,my mind is fast and everything goes well.Therefore, in my opinion, young peopleneed a good shape so that heavy weight will not be the obstacleof hard study. Likewise,old people with a good shape tend to walk easier,and think faster and clearer when communicating with their customers.

In conclusion,entertainment and excises are necessary for everyone,people benefit a lot from exercise, such as physical and mental health, a good body shape, confidence,etc.

我有点遗憾，由于审题不细，这篇文章跑题了。不过如果是谈论“娱乐和运动对健康有利”，这是篇还算不错的文章。你大可不必担心字数，我删去了你的开头还有中间段说理的冗长的部分，可是即便是这样，仍然超过了300字。

若真的写不出来是思路的问题，有一个比较大众的：这样好，这样好，不这么做不好（也是你的思路哟~）从学习，工作，生活，三个方面来谈。

一个建议：不要用你不会用的词。作用会适得其反哦~

-- by 会员 srafcatt (2012/10/24 20:24:39)

超级无敌小鹤鹤 · 发表于 2012-10-25 04:20:12

加油~~

monicafish · 发表于 2012-10-26 19:00:48

嘻嘻！谢谢哦~ 你也加油~

新作文，求修改。马上就要考试了。急到哭。

谢谢你哦~ 亲

谢谢你哦~ 亲

加油！

所属分类: TOEFL / IELTS

正在浏览此版块的会员 ()

浏览过的版块