kahne的写作贴～10.28一战求共勉！

kahne · 发表于 2012-10-6 23:11:33

10.6
Your job will have more effect on your happiness than the social life does.
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In present-day society, activities related to job and social communications takes up most of our time apart from those spending on our families. And it seems to be a common debate that between two kinds of activities which is more influential on our happiness. In my point of view, the previous one does.

Few can deny that the pleasure of fulfillment of dreams and duties always outweighs the joy gained by entertaining with friends. After the climax of enjoyment, parties come to an end and friends say goodbye to each other. Delightful moods come from social activities are prone to decline soon after the activities end. In contrast, the sense of fulfillment derive from our jobs is highly likely to last for days, for months or even longer. What's more, it can spur us to better our performance and achieve further triumph. And then, stronger sense of happiness comes to you and you endeavor even more... Thus, a virtuous circle is formed resulting in increasing happiness.

Besides mental satisfactions, you can obtain happiness, even more directly, from the material reward for assiduous working. You may realize from your experience that the salary have been common topic for people with different background. Even some wealthy people are fond of talk about their incomes with the motivation of showing off their happiness rather than just showing off the properties they own. Those facts indicate that money we earn by work not only make a guarantee to our basic life, but also pay an "insurance" for our happiness. In comparison, social activities primarily bring us mental relief only.

Similar to social activities, people gather together in the working time for the identical tasks and expectations. Specifically, workmates cooperate to establish a team striving as a whole to achieve certain goals. The intimate teamwork strengthen the friendships between workmates and their happiness and sorrow is bond together. Elder generations, like your grandparents or your great grandparents, can still remember that how delightful peace-loving people were and such delight prevails over personal emotions. From this we may know that joys shared by people with good communications appear to be more intensive. As for this aspect, social activities have not superiority to job.

Therefore, the personal fulfillment, the material reward and the joyful teamwork makes up the foundation of happiness from the job, which tends to be superior to that of social activities.

wsywsy1 · 发表于 2012-10-7 18:26:10

In present-day society, activities related to job and social communications takes up most of our time, apart from those spending on our families(建议改，因为communication takes up most of time 是个完整的句子). And it seems to be a common debate that between two kinds of activities which is more(跟谁比？) influential on our happiness. In my point of view（viewpoint）, the previous(former) one does.

Few people can deny that the pleasure of fulfillment of dreams and duties always outweighs the joy gained by entertaining with friends. After reaching the climax of enjoyment, parties come to an end and friends say goodbye to each other. Delightfuldelighted moods coming from social activities are prone to decline soon after the activities’ end. In contrast, the sense of fulfillment derive(deriving) from our jobs is highly likely(l两个都是副词) to last for days, for months or even longer. What's more, it can spur us to better our performance and achieve further triumph. And then, stronger sense of happiness comes to you and you endeavor even more... Thus, a virtuous circle is formed resulting in increasing happiness.

Besides mental satisfactions, you can obtain happiness, even more directly, from the material reward for assiduous working. You may realize from your experience that the salary have been（has been a） common topic for people with different backgrounds. Even some wealthy people are fond of talking about their incomes with the motivation of showing off their happiness rather than just showing off the properties they own. Those facts indicate that money we earn by working not only make a guarantee to our basic life, but also pay an "insurance" for our happiness. In comparison, social activities primarily bring us mental relief only.

Similar to social activities, people gather together in the working time for the identical tasks and expectations. Specifically, workmates cooperate to establish a team striving as a whole to achieve certain goals. The intimate teamwork(connection) strengthen the friendships between(among) workmates and(because) their happiness and sorrow is bond together. Elder generations, like your grandparents or your great grandparents, can still remember that how delightful(delighted) peace-loving people were and such delight prevails over personal emotions. From this way,we may know that joys shared by people with good communications appear to be more intensive. As for this aspect, social activities have not superiority to job.

Therefore, the personal fulfillment, the material reward and the joyful teamwork makes up the foundation of happiness from （of） the job, which tends to be superior to that of social activities.

亲，绿色要修改，红色有问题，括号里是建议

改得不好见谅

kahne · 发表于 2012-10-7 20:51:23

wsywsy1，谢谢你的建议～
看来你对语法很敏感啊，不像我总是改不掉语法毛病...
btw，你几号考啊？
共勉～

wsywsy1 · 发表于 2012-10-7 21:43:21

我也常犯语法错误。一不小心就犯了。这几天发作文才发现。。

我明年考。。。我们一起加油~提高作文~

小乌龟吃土豆 · 发表于 2012-10-8 13:31:56

你好啊~~我也是1028考试，现在在练习机经作文，我们可以一起互改机经作文，你觉得如何？我发现我们作文水平应该差不多~~希望互相提高哦，等会我会帮你改一下，我也发了一篇在论坛里“10月机经作文--冲刺29！！谢谢围观批改”这个标题。。。。呵呵~~
一起努力哦

kahne · 发表于 2012-10-8 16:21:38

很高兴认识你，一起加油吧～

kahne的写作贴～10.28一战求共勉！

一起努力哦

所属分类: TOEFL / IELTS

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