ChaseDream
搜索
返回列表 发新帖
查看: 3007|回复: 8
打印 上一主题 下一主题

[作文互改] Issue 113求拍! 不吝赐教!万分感谢

[复制链接]
跳转到指定楼层
楼主
发表于 2012-1-6 17:24:20 | 只看该作者 回帖奖励 |倒序浏览 |阅读模式
113. Claim: The surest indicator of a great nation is not the achievements of its rulers, artists,
or scientists.
Reason: The surest indicator of a great nation is actually the welfare of all its people.


Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim
and the reason on which that claim is based






It is widely debated that which is the surest indicator of a great nation. Some argued that the
living quality of the citizens, rather than the achievements of the elite, such as the rulers,
artists, or scientists is the surest indicator for the success of a country. However, in my
point of view, there are so many indicators that could measure its success that none of them
outweighs the other.




One of the most crucial indicator of a great nation is the living standard of all of the people
since they are the major composition of the society. The welfare of the gerneal public is the
indicator of the economy, and the extent of governmental income. Since the major source of
governmental funds is obtained through taxation, the society composed with richer people are
ought to provide greater amount of tax for the national government to spend on science and technology
development, national security, and infrastructure, which thereby further improving the economy
growth of the nation and living standards amongst the general public.




Additionally, the indicator of a great nation does not only expressed in terms of materials, but
also the culture and thinking of the nation. From this perspective, the welfare of the public does
could not be concluded as the surest indicator. For nations which possess a long history, such as
Egypt and China, they were once considered as the giants in the world even though they are categorized
as the developing countries in the present age. The culture and the thinking of mankind are considered
as one of the major distinctions from animals, and the countries that have a distinctive culture
or peculiar thinking are attractive to the world, and thereby percieved as a great nation as well.
Meanwhile, for a nation with a positive thinking or attitude towards development, such as the
diligent yet humble nature of Chinese people suggested by their ancestors, are likely to undergo
a rise in the national power in the future. Therefore, in other words, culture and thinking possessed
by a certain nation is an important indicator as well as a determinator of the greatness of a country.




The achievements of the elite in a nation is also a factor to contribute to the greatness of a
country that should not be negected. The elite, usually with extraordinary talent or knowledge
in their field, tend to represent or expand the image of the country. For instance, Confucious,
a great philosopher in China, had sucessfully promoted his thinking to nearly every Chinese people,
and shaped their way of thinking thoughout the development of Chinese culture. Therefore, to
understand the way of thinking of Chinese people, it is helpful to have a read of what Confucious
was suggested. In this case, the elite of a nation could not only represent the nation, but also
emerge themselves into the culture of the nation. To take the European artists in Renaissance
as another example, they have represented the propensity of the whole Europe that their artwork,
architecture, and thinking have integrated into the Europe until present days. Hence, it is somehow
reasonable that the elite, including the rulers, artists, and scientists could indicate the greatness
of a country.


It is difficult to define a surest indicator of a great nation as there are a variety of factors
that contributes or evaluates the sucess of a country. The welfare of the general public, the culture
and thinking of the nation, and the achievements of the elite could all measure its success.
收藏收藏 收藏收藏
沙发
发表于 2012-1-6 18:19:50 | 只看该作者
1.and the extent of governmental income ,你是不是想说政府收入的规模呢extent 这个词用得是否恰当,值得商榷。2.Since the major source of
governmental funds is obtained through taxation。“funds”?3.composed with ?are ought to ?
4.“Since the major source of governmental funds is obtained through taxation, the society composed with richer people are ought to provide greater amount of tax for the national government to spend on science and technology development, national security, and infrastructure, which thereby further improving the economy growth of the nation and living standards amongst the general public. 这么长的一个句子,实在不妥。GRE作文里面比较忌讳长句,尤其是我们对长句的驾驭能力不够好的时候。
5.does could not be ?
6.The culture and the thinking of mankind are considered as one of the major distinctions from animals,.这样的表述或为不妥。
以上只是一些遣词造句上的瑕疵,仅供参考。
总的来说这篇文章的立意还是比较清楚的,indicators可以有很多。
重要的是,你需要定义下什么是great country,这样在你的定义下你列举的这些indicators 才有说服力,否则读者也可以按自己的定义认为你的indicators并没有说服力。
最后,觉得作者需要注意下一些单词和短语的使用是否恰到好处,需要斟酌下,长句不要随便用,尽量用相对简单的句子表达自己的意思。长句不仅没有给你增加表达上的优势,反而造成读者阅读和理解上的一些障碍,
板凳
发表于 2012-1-6 18:31:16 | 只看该作者
中人评得真好!
地板
发表于 2012-1-6 18:36:31 | 只看该作者
用什么来定义一个伟大的民族呢?
在战争的时候,并不一定用财富和成功来定义。比如二战中的中国人民,英国人民。
什么样的民族才能成为伟大的民族呢?
罗马帝国什么都强大,但是却有不是很高雅的奴隶角斗爱好;
德国最强盛的时候就有法西斯主义;
一个强大的国家,不在于经济,也不在乎艺术,而在乎有爱,有和平,有争议。
从哪些角度来论证中华的伟大呢?
我想,绝对不是经济角度。
5#
发表于 2012-1-6 18:48:42 | 只看该作者
另外,补上两条:第二段中,你想说明的是人们的生活水平是一个indicator,但你最后的一句话,有点跑偏了,所以这段的说理就不充分了。
拍得可能有点狠了,仅供参考,LZ自己好好想想。
6#
发表于 2012-1-6 19:29:35 | 只看该作者
中人did a very good job checking this article I don't have anything else to say. Just try your hardest not to have such long sentences
7#
发表于 2012-1-6 22:30:05 | 只看该作者
i think you meant neglected instead of negected..
8#
 楼主| 发表于 2012-1-7 11:59:00 | 只看该作者
非常感谢竹林大神的点评!由于是掐时间写的所以可能措辞还有拼写有点问题。。我想请问一下这文章根据你的经验大概能得多少分?还有几天就要考了,麻烦请你帮我定位一下。。多谢~
9#
发表于 2012-1-7 12:29:23 | 只看该作者
就我的感觉吧,3分可能还需要努点力
您需要登录后才可以回帖 登录 | 立即注册

Mark一下! 看一下! 顶楼主! 感谢分享! 快速回复:

手机版|ChaseDream|GMT+8, 2025-3-16 02:26
京公网安备11010202008513号 京ICP证101109号 京ICP备12012021号

ChaseDream 论坛

© 2003-2025 ChaseDream.com. All Rights Reserved.

返回顶部