第二篇，德克版主能给点意见吗（已改过）

With the great progress of the civilized industry, people tend to pay more attention to the outer space of the earth. This undoubtedly promotes the new technology and the research of the other planet. In this condition, some people even think governments should spend as much money as possible exploring the outer space. From my perspective, spending this money for our basic need on earth is superior to that of investing for outer space.

Though the modern society now is prospective than ever before, there are a large number of people still live on a hard life on earth. For them, life was a perpetual struggle against poverty. They are facing various basic problems such as pressing economics, malnutrition food, and serious disease. Such the examples of the people living in the Africa tribe lack of fundamentals as basic food, health-care strongly illustrate these problems. The children, deprived of the opportunity of education, still bravely struggle against the poor odds and wish to imagine the splendid future. Whenever I have read articles of this sort, I felt deeply shock and sorrow. If we can transform the money of outer space to these areas, they would benefit.

In addition, nations usually spend as much money as possible exploring outer space for the purpose of military. In order to compete with other countries, they expect for the exclusive control of the outer space. In this condition, local wars might easily emerge. As a result, it may bring about disaster to human beings: civilized fruits can be destroyed in a fraction of minute, environmental circumstance can be damaged in long-term, and even many ordinary people might lost their lives. A manifest example now is the battle between America and Iraq.

The development of exploring outer space is a two-edge weapon which can be used equally for good or evil. Though it can bring about some positive consequence, there are many basic problems still unresolved. So I agree that governments should spend as much money as possible to improve the living conditions of ordinary people.

你可以先参考该版置顶的帖子里边的修改集合

然后我在iBT区有一个写作的帖子，你也可以参考一下

然后发现自己的一些问题，进行修改过后再发上来

我进行具体的修改

嗯，之前看过你的那个帖子和改的一些作文，获益不少。这个作文写完也改过两遍...可能问题还是很多，请批评，谢谢

With the great progress of the civilized industry, people tend to pay more attention to the outer space of the earth. This undoubtedly promotes the new technology and the research of the other planet. In this condition, some people even think governments should spend as much money as possible exploring the outer space. However(因为你的关观点和前面的一个相反,所以这里需要加上转折词however), from my perspective, spending this money for our basic need on earth is superior to that of investing for outer space.(开头没有大的问题,符合General to Specific的格式.但是,我觉得平淡了一些.其实,从Specific to General也是一个不错的选择.TOEFL考试的TOPIC实际上是位于General和Specific之间的,所以,你可以找到比TOPIC更general或者更specific的东西.所以,G to S和S to G两种开头的方式都是可以的.这个题目,你就可以说ast week I read an astounding article on Indian ambitious plan to develop space technology and explore outer space. What astounded me was that the Indian government was going to fulfill the plan with an injection funding of 1 billion dollars. Yes, space exploring is a good cause-it helps us know more about earth and the universe. However, I still cannot understand why some governments are prepared to lavish huge sums on the unpredictable subject while a multitude of people under their control are suffering hunger, thirst and natural disasters. What I mean is-why not gratify people’s needs first?这个开头比较的长,有80词左右.虽然长,但是我觉得没有废话,步步推进,很自然.你可以借鉴一下.)

Though the modern society now is prospective than ever before, there are still an inconveniently large number of people still live(battling against poor living conditions在这里肯定更好) on a hard life on earth. For them, life was a perpetual struggle against poverty(好句子). They are facing various basic problems such as pressing economics, malnutrition food and serious disease. Such the examples of the people living in the Africa tribe lack of fundamentals as basic food, health-care strongly illustrate these problems(这样的句子过于纠结,以后就用it will suffice to mention就可以了.还有就是,你讨论,应该讨论有能力进行太空探索的国家,非洲没有这个能力.你应该把例子举在中国或者印度.比如:remote mountain region遥远的山区). The children, deprived of the opportunity of education, still bravely struggle against the poor odds and wish to imagine the splendid future(这句话太抽象了,而且意义不大.你可以说Those children have to help their parents cultivate crops in a primordial way-without the aid of machines and any modern technology. And most of them are deprived of the opportunities of education because of the extreme poverty.). Whenever I have read articles of this sort, I felt(现在时态feel) deeply shocked and sorrowful(这两个都给你改成了形容词形式). If we can transform the money of outer space to these areas, they would benefit(If we can save the money in space use and utilize it properly to help the poor out, a better future for them can be expected.).

德克就是牛啊，我看到they would benefit这一句的时候也觉得太单简了点。但是就是不知道该如何改……