[求助] 5.10要考了，才写第一篇作文，不怕丢人巨烂文章求改！

我们是同一天的考友，呵呵。一点小小意见，仅供参考。
It is obviously (it is obvious) that people who work hard to earn a lot of money are happy, but how about those who do not work? I think they will not be happy indeed.(i don't think they are happy. the use of "indeed" here looks strange.)
One great thing (one great thing?) is that no work means no social interaction, especially the interaction with colleagues.
  After we graduated from our colleges and universities (why colleges and universities? aren't they the same?), colleagues will become people who we get along with for most of the time except our family members. People always look for friends among familiar ones, and colleagues will be the first choice. Even people who do not get a job will still have their old friends of colleges or high schools, those so-called friends will definitely make new friends and share their relationships with others. (this sentence is not clear to me.) After a long time, because of lacking social interaction, people do not work may feel lonely, namely, unhappy.
In addition, if a person does not work, why will others show respect to him even if he has got a huge amount of money? We respect a person for several reasons. First, that man is wisdom (wise) or capable. For example, we admire artist like Picasso of (for?) his ability of painting, sportsman like Micheal Jordan of (for?) his ability of playing basketball, businessman like Bill Gates of (for?)  his ability of running his company. Second, we respect our president of chairman as our leader. Third, we respect some particular people who have special charming temperament. Then why we will respect a man have nothing but money? And why will a man nobody show respect to will be happy?
Most importantly, if a man do not work just because he have enough money, then how about the day he run out of all of those money in the future? Will an old poor man be happy with his life? I think the answer is no. I remember my mother once told me that she has a friend, whose father runs his own company as the boss. The very rich family gives everything her friends want so that he did nothing but waste his time every day. And one day, my mother received that man's call that he asked for some money. After asked him several times, finally he told my mother that he was cheated by a criminal group and now he got nothing. As my mother told me, the man is very pitiful and miserable now. (i don't feel this paragraph supports your standpoint.)

In conclusion, man should work for money even it seems they have enough money. Bill Gates and Steven Jobs have hundred, maybe thousands or even more times money than our normal people, but they are still working, why? I think we all know the answer now.
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The following attempts to follow your thinking.

It is not difficult to understand the happiness of people who are well paid for their hardwork, but how about those who do not work because they have no worries about money? One is tempted to think that they live a blissful life since their living does not need to be earned, however in reality, most of them are unhappy, for two main reasons.

Lack of social interaction in the working environment is a key reason for the unhappiness of these people. To most people in the workforce, colleagues are who they spend a great deal of time with, only secondary to family. Some colleagues eventually become close friends. I myself is a very good example - one of my best friends is my former colleague. So it is fair to say that colleague is a very important part of the social network of anyone who has a job. Without this part of social network, one will find his social life is limited to a small circle, and inevitably feel lonely sometimes.  

Low esteem is the second main cause of these people’s unhappiness. In our culture, rich people are respected only if their money is earned through hardwork. For example, people admire Bill Gates because his fortune comes from Microsoft, not certain deceased grandfather. If someone cannot justify his money through working, the society will to some extent regard him as a good-for-nothing coxcomb. How can someone by happy if he is considered good for nothing?   

While most of us wish we could get money without shedding a drop of sweat, easy money in this case can actually result in a lot of discontent. To be a truly happy rich person, one needs to earn his riche by working hard.

好像没有规定要写几个观点吧？只要有理有据就可以了吧。

我犯了个语法错误，已经更正了（蓝色字部分）。