[求助]DELTA test1作文求改

Do
you agree or disagree with the following statement?

Subjects
such as art, music, and drama should be a part of every child's basic
education.

It is an undeniable fact that children are
the people who decide how our society will be in the future, so the education
of children has called up more and more attentions. While I concede that
providing interest subjects such as art, music, and drama to children would be
a good supplement which might make children have all-round development, the
implementation of the plan can not be compulsive.

Elemental subjects such as mathematics,
physics, and chemistry ect. are the basic subjects for the education of
children, however, only these serious subjects would make children feel boring.
Being studying these subjects day after day, children may bear huge pressure,
even be afraid of them. If this is the case, the education might be detrimental
to the development of children rather than benefit to them. In this case,
offering interest subjects such as art, music, and drama to  children would provide them a way to relax
from the tense pressure of study, which would, of course, make them study more
effectively.

Besides, through studying art, music and
drama, children's interests may be exploited, which would make it clear which
subject they are interests in. Given that children merely are offered with the
subjects such as mathematics, physics, and chemistry etc., children's talent in
some other areas such as music and pain might not be open out as soon as
possible. If children have the access to learn art, music and drama at the
school, it is highly possible that their potential can be found more earlier,
which is helpful for their future. So in my opinion, the school should offer children
such a chance to learn art, music and drama.

However, although I recommend the school to
provide interests courses for children, these subjects cannot be compulsive.
Because, children are different from each other, you cannot guarantee that every child would be interested in all
the subjects. If you force every child to learn all the subjects, it would
bring about a negative effect rather than a positive one.

In conclusion, I strongly hold the opinion
that besides those main subjects such as mathematics
and physics, the school should provide some alternative courses such as art,
music and drama to let children choose from. Only when the school handle the
relationship between the element courses and the interest courses
appropriately, can children reach all-round development.

总的来说写的很好. 只是第一段写的有些弱. 要明确的support还是oppose. 我改了一下第一段.

It is an undeniable fact that children are the people who decide how our society will be in the future, so the education of children has called up more and more attentions. While I concede that providing interest subjects such as art, music, and drama to children would be a good supplement which might make children have all-round development, the implementation of the plan can not be compulsive.

(It is an undeniable that children are in charge of the future, accordingly, how well our children are educated directly decides how well society develops. So crucial is the education of children that whole society concerns. Ones argue that, as a useful supplement, such subjects as art, music, and drama should be provided in school to allow students grow up well-round. I definitely uphold this notion.)

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