[讨论]上传一篇作文,请大家 看看这样的写法行不行.狠 拍 啊!

会不会因为没有中心, 和纷纶点而低分啊?\

因为以前写GMAT 作文时候都要求一论点一分析

请大家指教

6. If you could change one important thing about your hometown, what would you change ? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answers.

How is doing some morning exercises and breathing the very fresh air in the beginning of the day to make you more energetic? Or, how about take a relaxing stroll in the vicinity after a day’s hard working? Absolutely, the answer is “yeah I would like that”. Who do not want to be healthy in this highly competitive society? However, people in our community do not have this chance. 

I live in a city which is now booming rapidly. New factories are being built every year, roads and streets are experiencing reconstruction. More and more high buildings substitute the old dwellings. The air is filled with the smell of steel and concrete. Nevertheless, it seems that the administration has overlooked people’s basic needs. We are desperately need a park.

A small park is enough, but not like Disney
                Land. Actually we have a park like that. However that one is for entertainment, not fit citizen’s daily life. We need a park which has many trees and flowers in it, the one that birds can find their homes.

In my childhood, there used to be one in our community. I can still remember all the fun I had enjoyed there. In the mornings, my father and I always jogged to the park and did some morning exercises. Also, there were many elders exercised their body and enjoyed the fresh air here. The elders had a lot of leisure time, so a park had enriched their lives and had provided a good chance to know other people. In the dawn, people liked to take a walk in the green park, enjoy the beautiful scenery in the sunset glow. Dogs had also find a place to make friends in that their masters were found of meeting each other and held the ‘’Dog Event’’. In a nutshell, there existed one thing called ‘’park culture’’.

However, a new, high building has substituted our park. All the fun has vanished. A park can retain people’s childhood and also offer a good place to  make friends, to build people’s figures, even to walk dogs. Park will do everything beneficial to us, but why it ended in tragedy? Besides every reform our city is now experienced, a park is really in need.  

有没有人看下阿，‘德克的猪’能不能麻烦你看下

How is doing some morning exercises and breathing the very fresh air in the beginning of the day to make you more energetic? Or, how about take a relaxing stroll in the vicinity after a day’s hard working? Absolutely, the answer is “yeah I would like that”. Who do not want to be healthy in this highly competitive society? However, people in our community do not have this chance. 

I live in a city booming rapidly. New factories are being built every year, roads and streets are experiencing reconstruction.感觉可以把这些发展现象并一些到第一句话的定语从句中去…… More and more high buildings substitute the old dwellings. The air is filled with the smell of steel and concrete. Nevertheless, it seems that the administration has overlooked people’s basic needs. We are desperately need a park.

A small park is enough, but not like Disney
            Land. Actually we have a park like that. However that one is for entertainment, not fit citizen’s daily life. We need a park which has many trees and flowers in it, the one that birds can find their homes.

In my childhood, there used to be one in our community. I can still remember all the fun I had enjoyed there. In the mornings, my father and I always jogged to the park and did some morning exercises. Also, there were many elders exercised their body and enjoyed the fresh air here. The elders had a lot of leisure time, so a park had enriched their lives and had provided a good chance to know other people. In the dawn, people liked to take a walk in the green park, enjoying the beautiful scenery in the sunset glow. Dogs had also find a place to make friends in that their masters were found of meeting each other and held the ‘’Dog Event’’. In a nutshell, there existed one thing called ‘’park culture’’.

However, a new, high building has substituted our park. All the fun has vanished. A park can retain people’s childhood and also offer a good place to  make friends, to build people’s figures, even to walk dogs. Park will do everything beneficial to us, but why it ended in tragedy? Besides every reform our city is now experienced, a park is really in need.

觉得你写得挺有意思的，不过不知道这样写会怎么样，可能写得像散文也会很好吧，不过这样你的语言就要诗意一点。句子要有长一点的，好像都是一会就完了

有些小错误，我也都不确定怎么改。我自己作文也有很多小不通顺的地方，不知道影响会有多大。

我感觉最好在第一段说一下，可以让人们享受这些的是一个……park~~

谢谢moonstar MM

第一段没有点题，好大的漏洞呢.....