花了两个小时写了篇另类作文，请不惜赐教。

topic: Maurice Sendak wrote "There is more to life than having everything." comment.

      When people are asked what life is, I maintain, thousand individuals will hold thousand opinions. From my point of view, I agree with author’s opinion. My interpretation of this opinion is that having everything cannot present a life from all aspects because, along with having everything, life also includes what you enjoy from having a thing, what you are experiencing in the process of obtaining a thing, and when the thing you expect is in your possession.

       On the first place, we, by no ways, title a person as the best happiness person in the world simply by the reason that he or she has everything.  To judge whether a person is very happy, it is inevitable to ask the question whether the person enjoy from what he or she has. Facts witness and present many examples. Extremely poor as the homeless are, they are proud of their freedom. An average work, without a great deal of wealth, still enjoys the leisurely life style. In contrast, an increasing number of CEO is beginning to complain that they are the slaves of money.

        On the second place, so important is the process that a person is experiencing to reach a goal that we cannot ignore the value of the process.  Some people learn a lot from their failure; some people pay little attention to things they get easily; some people are motivated by difficulties they have ever met to achieve their goals.

        Last, but not least, a thing stands for different meanings for the same person over time. When I was young, I wanted to be older; however, when I do grow up, I expect to stop time’s flying and keep me young forever. A piece of bread is so important for a person suffering from starvation, but it is valueless for the same person when he or she has everything.

        In conclusion, I believe that life means more than having everything.  实在写不下去了！！！

When people are asked what life is, I maintain, thousand individuals will hold thousand opinions（平庸无奇的开头，开头要具体才可以吸引读者：Some live in the world in the hope of being respected; to a multitude of us, as a matter of fact, lives are all about those colorful papers-money; and to a few unfortunate people, life is something toils or bores them to death. Virtually, it is a formidable job for anyone of us common people to give an accurate definition of what life is.）.However,
            From my point of view (from my perspective), I agree with author’s opinion (强烈建议楼主把topic的观点用另外一种方式表达出来). My interpretation of this opinion（opinion这个词出现了太多词，不能体现词汇的多样性opinion＝idea, perspective, viewpoint, standpoint, stance; 当然，不用类似的意见的词汇来表达自己的观点才是高的水平：One might strive assiduously for affluence and gratifying his/her endless rapacity while being utterly unconscious of the fact that he is struggling in a banal existence-where material dominates, actually, life, could be someway higher than merely and pathetically chasing those fleeting fame and gain.要写抒情的文章，楼主的语言还是远远不够的） is that having everything cannot present a life from all aspects because, along with having everything, life also includes what you enjoy from having a thing, what you are experiencing in the process of obtaining a thing, and when the thing you expect is in your possession. (thing这个词在这句话出现了太多次，而且该句的表意很不清楚，可以改为：Why, many of us may wonder, do our lives invariably fail to satisfy us? Because we are in the thirst of being contented-we run frantically to escape the revenge mentally emptiness. Nevertheless, we found to possess is to abate such a natural panic-only via this method, might we find us contented, even fugaciously. )

       On the first place, we, by no ways, title a person as the best happiness person in the world simply by the reason that he or she has everything (你要记住,你是在抒情,语言不可以停留在9年级的水平,可以改为: We might have tried to get out of some mundane rules but can not help go behind the stereotype that put his/her happiness and possession at the different sides of an equal mark.).  To judge whether a person is very happy, it is inevitable to ask the question whether the person enjoy from what he or she has(这是句重复的话,没有意义). Facts witness and present many examples(example最好不要用,建议使用demonstration,因为这个比较少有人用,这里句型可以改为sth provide sb with a quintessential demonstration). Extremely poor as the homeless are, they are proud of their freedom(平庸,可以改为: An wealthy one might pour his scorn and derision on those who are struggling in the extreme poverty. However, the poor, to some degree is also fortune-they have never set themselves up to money as a prisoner.). An average work, without a great deal of wealth (概念错误,这里应该用income或者salary), still enjoys the leisurely life style (以我之愚见, enjoy似乎不可以这么用的, 改为: Even a comparatively lower income, virtually, would not spoil one’s leisure time if s/he can set the paper(money, of course) matters aside.). In contrast, an increasing number of CEO is beginning to complain that they are the slaves of money(写作是需要给原因的,不然别人会问-so what? 这里可以改为: Quite the reverse, astonishingly high salary, at times, can not guarantee one’s happiness-too much money brings burden in many ways simultaneously. It will suffice to mention those CEOs who work around the clock only to find s/he could barely extrude some time to use the papers. However, they still want more even they are now living in the pure-gold-made jail).

        On the second place, so important is the process that a person is experiencing to reach a goal that we cannot ignore the value of the process.  Some people learn a lot from their failure; some people pay little attention to things they get easily; some people are motivated by difficulties they have ever met to achieve their goals. (这也可以叫”抒情”?9年级的写作又出现了)

        Last, but not least (用烂的开头), a thing stands for different meanings for the same person over time. When I was young, I wanted to be older; however, when I do grow up, I expect to stop time’s flying and keep me young forever. A piece of bread is so important for a person suffering from starvation, but it is valueless for the same person when he or she has everything. (这个可以作为论证的材料?时间对人的意义和拥有的意义是很难扯上联系的,况且楼主根本没有扯)

 (最后两段我已经没有心情再改下去,实在写得……….)

        In conclusion, I believe that life means more than having everything.(永远不要重复topic)

如果这是你花了两个小时写的作文,那么很不幸,楼主的TOEFL作文水平仅仅停留在2-3分之间. 作为一个大学生,写出的作文是不应该这样的缺乏档次的.其实很多初中生都可以写得比这个好很多.我的语言可能会尖刻,但是绝对是没有撒谎的-我不希望让楼主对自己的写作有错误的估计-你还有很长的路要走.我给你改的前几段有很大的价值,仔细研究可以提升写作的水平.

这里有一些建议:

1.       NCE3和NCE4,楼主应该买来精读.

2.       如果你很功利的话,那就可以认真研究TWE185-至少可以保证你得个4分.

3.       4.75或者5分的文章语言是很有魅力的,所有阅读是不可少的.The Economist肯定不适合你,所有你应该将NCE4的文章好好研究.

4.       买一本Dan Brown的英文小说.

5.       还是去新东方一趟吧!

受打击啦！

看完你该的作文，我一点儿信心也没有了。

zdlukeluck：

你快别安慰我了，我又创作了一篇，你给瞅瞅。我是要命也写不出你那两笔地，一时半会儿也不可能了，你将就着我的水平给改改吧。

topic: Many people today use cell phones while they are driving. Do you think that the use of phones should be banned in cars?

       There is much discussion over the phenomenon that many people use cell phones while they are driving. Some people don’t think this action is very serious, yet other people claim that such practice is very dangerous. I maintain that the use of cell phones should be banned in cars for the following three reasons: safety, education, and cost.

       No issue is more important today than safety. We cannot emphasize the importance of protecting ourselves from dangers too much. We are undergoing many dangers when we drive on roads, especially on highway. In order to secure our safety when driving, we need to concentrate all on driving exclusively. I’d like to present an example here to support my opinion. To some extent, we can equate calling with drinking alcohol, because both of them may lead to the same dangers. Alcohol does seriously reduce a driver’s competence in controlling a car, so does calling when driving. This can be a matter of life and death, and any person who is blind to this point may pay a heavy price.

       No issue is more important today than safety. We cannot emphasize the importance of protecting ourselves from dangers too much. We are undergoing many dangers when we drive on roads, especially on highway. In order to secure our safety when driving, we need to concentrate all on driving exclusively. I’d like to present an example here to support my opinion. To some extent, we can equate calling with drinking alcohol, because both of them may lead to the same dangers. Alcohol does seriously reduce a driver’s competence in controlling a car, so does calling when driving. This can be a matter of life and death, and any person who is blind to this point may pay a heavy price.

       In addition, education is also a main reason (I have no idea how to write a main sentence here).  To ban the action of cell phone use in cars is to deliver a clear signal to people and to heighten public awareness about this issue. By making such a rule, we will bring home to people the value of following traffic rules properly. Those who violate traffic regulations should be punished; moreover, any action threatening others is unacceptable. Undoubtedly, when people get into the habit of prudently driving, a lot of traffic problems will disappear automatically.

       In addition, education is also a main reason (I have no idea how to write a main sentence here).  To ban the action of cell phone use in cars is to deliver a clear signal to people and to heighten public awareness about this issue. By making such a rule, we will bring home to people the value of following traffic rules properly. Those who violate traffic regulations should be punished; moreover, any action threatening others is unacceptable. Undoubtedly, when people get into the habit of prudently driving, a lot of traffic problems will disappear automatically.

        Last, but not least, such a rule is not costly. The issue of cost is an evitable factor which contributes directly to our decision whether we start to enact a new rule. To implement this rule, we need to spend money on in certain management measures. However, this cost will be less than the cost resulting from serious traffic accidents.

        Last, but not least, such a rule is not costly. The issue of cost is an evitable factor which contributes directly to our decision whether we start to enact a new rule. To implement this rule, we need to spend money on in certain management measures. However, this cost will be less than the cost resulting from serious traffic accidents.

       To sum up, given the reasons discussed above, I may draw the conclusion that the use of cell phones should be banned in cars. To implement such a rule is a rational decision from the views of protecting our lives, training the public, and saving money. Actually, not only do I wish to make this rule a reality, but also I wish to do it soon.

       To sum up, given the reasons discussed above, I may draw the conclusion that the use of cell phones should be banned in cars. To implement such a rule is a rational decision from the views of protecting our lives, training the public, and saving money. Actually, not only do I wish to make this rule a reality, but also I wish to do it soon.

适合于楼主的修改.这不仅仅是对这篇作文的修改,更是对写作的一些细节的强调和指导,希望你用心记住,这对写作有很大的帮助.

There is much discussion over the phenomenon that many people use cell phones while they are driving. Some people don’t(在TOEFL听力中最好不要用缩写) think(最好不要用think这种被运用频率太高的词,这里可可以用deem sth as/adj or regard sth as/adj) this action is very serious(这里用serious是要表示什么意思?), yet other people claim that such practice is very(very这个词可以避免的时候尽量避免,这里建议楼主使用被使用频率不高,但是很地道的fairly)
        dangerous(dangerous想必是所有人都会用到的词,所有这里你可以用hazardous避免重复,这个词尤其的好,当表达对人的安全和健康有危险时). I maintain that the use of cell phones should be banned[这里又一次重复了题目中的话,我说过,楼主尽量不要用重复topic的方式来表达自己的意见,这样会被打低分的: using mobile phones while one is driving will inevitably trigger(trigger这个词的意思和cause一样,很地道,而且99.9999%的中国学生都不会用) an accident sooner or later, hence(这个因此后面接名词,比较好,你要尽量避免because) my perspective-the ban of using mobile phones while driving is needed. ] in cars for the following three reasons: safety, education, and cost.

       No issue is more important[important也是一个常常要用到的词语,这里给出几个替换的: cardinal, crucial(extremely important), vital…这里最好用crucial;同时要提醒的是,直接用adj修饰会让文章显得比较的苍白,所有可以改为名词修饰-of great importance] today(以后表示”现今”这个概念的时候,一定不要用nowadays, currently这个单词是最佳选择) than safety. We cannot emphasize the importance of protecting ourselves from dangers too much(我觉得这句话有让老外搞不懂的风险). We are undergoing many dangers(这里用be doing似乎也不大妥当?这次我真的不清楚了) when we drive on roads, especially on highway. In order to secure our safety when driving, we need to concentrate all(all可以不要) on driving exclusively. I’d like to present an example here to support my opinion(example这个词最好也不要在TOEFL写作中出现,这里建议用demonstration). To some extent, we can equate calling with drinking alcohol(drunken driving是酒后驾车的正确说法), because both of them may lead to the same dangers. Alcohol does seriously reduce a driver’s competence in controlling a car, so does calling when(while) driving. This can be a matter of life and death, and any person(one) who is blind to this point may pay a heavy price. (你是不是用了电子词典?)

       In addition, education is also a main reason (I have no idea how to write a main sentence here).
        (其实我也不知道这个一个属于什么,但是可以把education这个词转化为 of great meaning in education,但是education的意思是teaching people various subjects,这里可能让人产生错误的理解,所以干脆更模糊点,用of great meaning in many ways) To ban(forbid或者prohibit, prohibit的意思和ban更相近) the action of cell phone use in cars is to deliver a clear signal to people and to heighten public awareness about this issue. By(这也是一个使用频率很高的词,这里建议用via代替) making such a rule, we will bring home to people the value of following traffic rules properly(这句话什么意思?). Those who violate traffic regulations should be rightly condemned and punished, of course; moreover, any action threatening others is utterly(你需要学会用副词来加强语气!) unacceptable. Undoubtedly(indubitably), when people get(develop) into the habit of prudently(prudent) driving, a lot of traffic problems will disappear automatically.

        Last, but not the least, such a rule is not costly. The issue(issue这个词出现了太多词,这里可以用argument) of cost is an evitable factor which contributes directly to our decision whether we start to enact a new rule. To implement this rule, we need to spend money on in certain management measures. However, this cost will be less than the cost resulting from serious traffic accidents. (这似乎不是一个好的理由,其实这些话没有多大存在的意义)

       To sum up(这个太老套,可以改为: After four paragraphs tough writing, now it comes to a conclusion.), given the reasons(aspects,用词尽量不要重复,aspects是方面的意思) discussed above, I may(unshakably表示坚定,这里怎么可以用may呢?) draw the conclusion that the use of cell phones should be banned in cars. To implement such a rule is a rational decision from the views of(in terms of更好,而且表达清楚) protecting our lives(最好不要写protect one’s life,可以写:guaranteeing our safety), training the public, and saving money. Actually(virtually更好,因为actually被别人用得太多), not only do I wish(wish是表示希望不可能的事,这里显然用错了) to make this rule a reality, but also I wish to do it soon. (最后一句我又没有弄懂)

总的来说这篇文章的没有修改的时候还是可以得四分的,但是是刚刚好4.00分的那种,而且不排除3.50和3.75的可能. 在修改过后,应该有个4.25吧.

在论坛上有人说结构好就可以得高分,其实那是错误的.在TOEFL的独立写作方面,结构占小部分,语言才是真正制胜的关键.显然,你的语言还是有不足的,我在修改中给了你很多小的建议,这些建议虽然小,但是却十分的管用,可以帮助你在很多词的用法领先,从而在细节上战胜对手.

还有一点必须提出的是你的副词和插入语用得太少,几乎没有,这点是你必须改进的.

zdlukeluck

请你再给讲一下怎么用“of great importance".

仔细研究了你的修改，收获很大的说，你背新概念了吗？

所谓of great importance,它的精髓就是把adj形式用名词修饰

比如A is important=A is of great importance

又或者She is beautiful=she is a girl of beauty

这样比直接用adj要来的高级些

zdlukeluck

多谢多谢。

可以这样说吗：XXXX is of the beauty.表示这个女孩很漂亮？