(AI31),大家帮我看看吧，这样写行吗？

bigmouse · 发表于 2003-10-14 17:57:00

上回发了个贴，可是没人理我！这次再老着脸发一个，大家帮忙看看吧。月底就考了，但好像作文怎么也写不好，心里好着急，而且觉得时间很紧张。根本没办法打到400个字以上！！拜托各位NN了！！

The issue of whether  financial gain should be the most important factor in choosing a career is complex and controversial one .Different people hold different view due their respective angles .On the one hand ,as is well-known and has often been advocated :because there are many  important factors other than financial gain in choosing a career,  financial gain should not be the most important factor in choosing a career .On the other hand ,some people probably insist that financial gain should be the most important factor in choosing a career .We do not look very far to seek the valid standpoint of the matter .In my view ,I agree that financial gain should not be the most important factor in choosing a career .In the following analysis ,I would like to reason and provide evidence my position .

In the first place ,an important reason that can be presented to develop my view is that when many people choose their career ,they think that the person value  is an important factor .For example ,when Bill Gates left Havord for his computer career ,he did not consider his financial gain .Obviously ,Gates aim to his person value .Therefore ,It is obvious that the person value  is an important factor .

In the second place ,there is another reason for me to consider my view to be right .
The reason is not very far to seek :personal contribution to society is also an important factor .As we know ,if a person contribute much to our society ,his career must be very successful . this kind of people is very many ,such as Bill Gates ,Lincoln .Therefore ,I believe that financial gain should not be the most important factor in choosing a career .

In conclusion ,I advocate that because there are many  important factors other than financial gain in choosing a career,  financial gain should not be the most important factor in choosing a career ,because

1)when many people choose their career ,they think that the person value is an important factor ;(2)personal contribution to society is also an important factor .Due to the above-mentioned reasons ,which sometimes intertwine to form an organic whole and become more persuasive ,we may safely arrive at the conclusion I support .

anchoret · 发表于 2003-10-14 19:18:00

一些小建议：

1、in the first/second place在本文中应该去掉。（你写了another）

2、in conclusion 后面那句用了两个because，不好

3、第一句话少冠词，第二句话少介词。第三句话的冒号改为逗号

anchoret · 发表于 2003-10-14 19:27:00

107我也看了，不错，但存在类似的问题。我不一一指出了，希望你能够多写（这样会锻炼你的语法感觉，避免这些语法错误。这些错误少的话问题不大，但多的话容易留下不好的第一印象）

bigmouse · 发表于 2003-10-14 20:28:00

多谢，小安的指点！我记下这些小毛病了。我这么写能拿到四分吗？一个比较傻的问题！因为心里实在没底！？

excellent · 发表于 2003-10-14 20:44:00

如果文章结构清晰，论点和论据表达恰当，再举一些简单例子，4分小意思啦！

中间两段内容嫌少，补充些例子会更好！

anchoret · 发表于 2003-10-15 11:21:00

4分应该问题不大。

henryqq · 发表于 2003-10-15 17:33:00

我来说两句.个人认为再写一段会好一点.就是admittedly....那一段
三段好像要比两段强
我考试的时候用的也是这个莫版,给的是5.5分

anchoret · 发表于 2003-10-15 18:43:00

以下是引用henryqq在2003-10-15 17:33:00的发言：
我来说两句.个人认为再写一段会好一点.就是admittedly....那一段
三段好像要比两段强
我考试的时候用的也是这个莫版,给的是5.5分

对，如果有admittedly最好。

bigmouse · 发表于 2003-10-15 21:54:00

3Q for 小安和各位了！

excellent · 发表于 2003-10-16 06:50:00

您留下问题，由我们来解答！

祝君好运！

(AI31),大家帮我看看吧，这样写行吗？

(AI31),大家帮我看看吧，这样写行吗？

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