159,第一篇作文,过10天就考了,请评分,建议

第一篇在30分内写晚的文章,不知能得多少分

希望提点建议,例如一些好词,我用得都是平常的词,看来不能得高分

()是word发现的错误, 不过第四段的后两个我不理解哪里错了,请指教

If I were asked this issue, I would tend to the computer, which is the best change in the twenty century. Technology of the computer leads to numerous effects. It is convenient for us. In the following paragraphs, I will provide evidence to support my viewpoint in detail.

First of all, we may chat to our friends who are in other (countrys) by the Internet rather than by the telephone which is expensive as well as by letters which cost much time to reach them. (we) look for all kinds of data by databases of the Internet rather than going to the library which is crowed with plentiful persons. It not only saves us time but also makes us work more efficient. Do you not think the example quoted above is very persuasive?

In the second place, we can browse lots of up-to-date news, such as sports, entertainment, and so forth. (we) do not wait the publication of newspapers and glance the news by surfing the Internet. At any place, at any time, we are not limited by other conditions. How loose we are!

Last but not least, (It) changes our living. An investigation shows that throughout the world over 70 percent of citizens (have a computer). Having it, individuals see the films and (listen) the music. It is so surprising that older men always do not believe it. It is a vital role that the computer is playing.

All in all, considering the aforementioned reasons, we are easy to arrive at the conclusion that the computer is one change that should be remembered by people in twenty century. Not only can it improve our living style but also it is convenient for us.

谢谢,其实我写的很普通, 希望提点建议,很感谢CD!!!!

listen to  (because the word-listen is a vi.)

have computers

Paragraph1: tend to (should be changed to prefer)  

你最好再检查一下，另外多看看别人的模板，形成自己的模板。

最好有固定的开头和结尾。

句子和句子之间要有连接词，看看相关的连接词。

谢谢