AYSS‘s Essay~~Fighting！~

AYSS · 发表于 2013-3-14 15:43:05

3-13 Independent Essay
In the past, even though you're the imperator, dominate the whole country, you must cooperate with your minister of the monarchy. Nowadays, cooperating with others is equally important. No matter who you are, a common person, a CEO of a company, or a dignitary, you need to cooperate with others. If you want to buy something, you need a market, and some sellers. If you want to learn something, equip yourself, you need a school, and some teachers. If you want to go somewhere, you need a taxi and a driver. So in my opinion, the ability to cooperate with others is important no matter in the past or today. Here is an example.
You want to run a business all by yourself. You have to do everything to keep it work. You are not only working as a manager, but working as an accountant, a secretary, a cashier, and even a transporter. You'll have no time to think about the future of your own business, such like widening your business scale, or improving your profit. Besides that, if you already have a family, you'll not have enough time to company with your children, your wife, and your parents. At this time, you may want to hire some people to help you running the business. You can finally have a rest, and find that you can't handle all the work well just by yourself. You are not alone any longer, you share out the work and cooperate with one another. You have time and energy to think about something else, instead of being busy with everything. You begin to think about reducing the cost of your business, and maximize your profit. You compare the prices and the quality of product of different suppliers, and choose the best supplier, and deal the most appropriate price by negotiating with the supplier. Then when you sell the products, you finally have time to think about how to obtain the largest saleroom. You come up with some creative ideas. Your company appeals a lot of customers by selling at a discount. It seems that you earn less at each unit of product, but this tactic increase the quantity of selling dramatically, you still have obtained more profit than before.
Above all, I think it's hard to say the ability to cooperate with others is more important than before or otherwise. No matter in the past or today, no matter where you come from, or no matter who you are, the ability is equally important. It is like a tool which can help you finish a work. Also it is like a path which can lead you to success.

sylviazhang · 发表于 2013-3-14 17:11:59

In the past, even though you're the imperator, dominate the whole country, you must cooperate with your minister of the monarchy. Nowadays, cooperating with others is equally important. No matter who you are, a common person, a CEO of a company, or a dignitary, you need to cooperate with others. If you want to buy something, you need a market, and some sellers. If you want to learn something, equip yourself(equip somebody with sth), you need a school, and some teachers. If you want to go somewhere, you need a taxi and a driver. So in my opinion, the ability to cooperate with others is important no matter in the past or today. Here is an example.

You want to run a business all by yourself. You have to do everything to keep it work. You are not only working as a manager, but working as an accountant, a secretary, a cashier, and even a transporter. You'll have no time to think about the future of your own business, such l~~ike~~aswidening(enlarge) your business scale, or improving your profit. Besides that, if you already have a family, you'll not (托福作文不要出现简写)have enough time to company ~~with~~ your children, your wife, and your parents. At this time, you may want to hire some people to help you running the business. You can finally have a rest, and find that you can't handle all the work well just by yourself. You are not alone any longer, you share out the work and cooperate with one another. You have time and energy to think about something else, instead of being busy with everything. You begin to think about reducing the cost of your business, and maximize your profit. You compare the prices and the quality of product of different suppliers, and choose the best supplier, and deal the most appropriate price by negotiating with the supplier. Then when you sell the products, you finally have time to think about how to obtain the largest saleroom. You come up with some creative ideas. Your company appeals a lot of customers by selling at a discount. It seems that you earn less at each unit of product, but this tactic increase the quantity of selling dramatically, you still have obtained more profit than before.

Above all, I think it's hard to say the ability to cooperate with others is more important than before or otherwise. No matter in the past or today, no matter where you come from, or no matter who you are, the ability is equally important. It is like a tool which can help you finish a work. Also it is like a path which can lead you to success.

首先，我觉得题目是说corporation 重不重要，最好是写比过去重要或是没有过去重要，这样更有说服力
其次，请分段，一般主体部分三个原因，加上开头结尾，共五段
再次，请多多使用linker,各种因果，转折啊，让步什么的，不要通篇you...,you....
多看看其他范文吧，借鉴一下

AYSS · 发表于 2013-3-16 00:04:59

3-14 独立

I believe that only what you can't image, nothing we can't do. Lacking of confidence is a horrible thing for a youth, especially at our ages. As we all know that teacher is always acting an important role during our lives, they teach us almost every aspects of this world, biology, astronomy, geology, and so on. But that is one side of teaching, the other side I think is something abstract, just like the means of learning, how to be a good person, and don’t lose our confidence no matter what we are suffering from. If a teacher only knows instilling students with lengthy formula, or concepts of specialized items, then he or she cannot be a real and competent teacher. Teacher, the human soul’s engineer, the most important duty for them is to cultivate a real, a confident person, not to build a knowledge absorbing machine.
First, confidence is just like a resource of energy. You can obtain a positive dynamic by holding it. Especially at the primary stage of education, children need to be praised and encouraged, except for the wrong behavior they do. If the teachers are too strict for the children, forbid everything novel and special, our children will not do it any longer, and lose the confidence to try something new. As they growing up, they are told not to do this and not to do that again and again, and they become conservative and timid little by little. A study used to show that the children who are more confident have a higher efficiency of learning, and more likely to succeed in the future. Our society needs the person that is confident, bold and adventurous. The self-confidence is a gradual postnatal acquirement, so the most important responsibility of teachers is helping students build their own self-confidence.
Second, building self-confidence is not only important for the little children, but the same for our grown-up. Although we have established our own outlook on life, and can shield some negative effect at some extent, but we still need encouragement and praise from others to help us keep moving on. Self-confidence may really have some magical power for our people. Here is an example of mine. I use to be very shy, very afraid of speaking in front of people. At the opening ceremony of my primary school, I was chosen to be the freshmen representative to give a speech. But after I finish the draft, my teacher told me that I was replaced, because I was very shy when answer the question in class, and all of the leaders and teachers of my school thought that I cannot finish the task well. At that time I felt so disappointed, and unwanted. If my teacher had encouraged me to insist on giving the speech and convinced leaders and other teachers to trust me to finish the task completely, I could be quite different today.
Above all, I think teacher should spend more time and energy on teaching students to be self-confident rather than teaching them plenty of knowledge. I use my own experience to tell everyone that students need confidence and more praise from their teachers more than knowledge. So please encourage your students generously, give them more confidence and more power than before.

sylviazhang · 发表于 2013-3-16 19:23:38

I believe that only what you can't image, nothing we can't do. ( I believe that there is nothing we cannot achieve if we dare to imagine) Lacking of confidence is a horrible thing for a youth, especially at our ages. As we all know that teacher is always acting an important role during our lives, they teach us almost every aspects of this world, such as biology, astronomy, geology, and so on. But that is one side of teaching, the other side I think is something abstract, just like the means of learning, how to be a good person, and don’t lose our confidence no matter what we are suffering from. (and how to hold our confidence no matter what we are suffering)If a teacher only knows instilling students with lengthy formula, or concepts of specialized items, then he or she cannot be a real and competent teacher. Teacher, the human soul’s engineer, the most important duty for them is to cultivate a real, a confident person, and a confident person, not to build a knowledge absorbing machine. (有些表达中文痕迹太明显
)
First, confidence is just like a resource of energy. You can obtain a positive dynamic by holding it. Especially at the primary stage of education, children need to be praised and encouraged, except for the wrong behavior they do. If the teachers are too strict for the children, and forbid everything novel and special, our children will not do it any longer, and lose the confidence to try something new. As they growing up, they are told not to do this and not to do that again and again, and they become conservative and timid little by little(gradually). A study used to show that the children who are more confident have a higher efficiency of learning, and more likely to succeed in the future. Our society needs the person that is confident, bold and adventurous. The self-confidence is a gradual postnatal acquirement, so the most important responsibility of teachers is helping students build their own self-confidence.
Second, building self-confidence is not only important for the little children, but the same for our grown-up. Although we have established our own outlook on life, and can shield some negative effect at some extent, but we still need encouragement and praise from others to help us keep moving on. Self-confidence may really have some magical power for our people. Here is an example of mine. I use to be very shy, very afraid of speaking in front of people. At the opening ceremony of my primary school,(不是在说成人了吗？怎么还在说小学生的例子？) I was chosen to be the freshmen representative to give a speech. But after I finish the draft, my teacher told me that I was replaced, because I was very shy when answer the question in class, and all of the leaders and teachers of my school thought that I cannot finish the task well. At that time I felt so disappointed, and unwanted. If my teacher had encouraged me to insist on giving the speech and convinced leaders and other teachers to trust me to finish the task completely, I could be quite different today.
Above all, I think teacher should spend more time and energy on teaching students to be self-confident rather than teaching them plenty of knowledge. I use my own experience to tell everyone that students need confidence and more praise from their teachers more than knowledge. So please encourage your students generously, give them more confidence and more power than before.

第一段不需要这么长，点明观点最重要
说理不错，举例也不错
但是很多句法，词组有很明显的中文化的表达，不够地道
建议多阅读，抓语法

sylviazhang · 发表于 2013-3-16 19:24:00

I believe that only what you can't image, nothing we can't do. ( I believe that there is nothing we cannot achieve if we dare to imagine) Lacking of confidence is a horrible thing for a youth, especially at our ages. As we all know that teacher is always acting an important role during our lives, they teach us almost every aspects of this world, such as biology, astronomy, geology, and so on. But that is one side of teaching, the other side I think is something abstract, just like the means of learning, how to be a good person, and don’t lose our confidence no matter what we are suffering from. (and how to hold our confidence no matter what we are suffering)If a teacher only knows instilling students with lengthy formula, or concepts of specialized items, then he or she cannot be a real and competent teacher. Teacher, the human soul’s engineer, the most important duty for them is to cultivate a real~~, a confident person,~~ and a confident person, not to build a knowledge absorbing machine. (有些表达中文痕迹太明显

)

First, confidence is just like a resource of energy. You can obtain a positive dynamic by holding it. Especially at the primary stage of education, children need to be praised and encouraged, except for the wrong behavior they do. If the teachers are too strict for the children, and forbid everything novel and special, our children will not do it any longer, and lose the confidence to try something new. As they growing up, they are told not to do this and not to do that again and again, and they become conservative and timid little by little(gradually). A study used to show that the children who are more confident have a higher efficiency of learning, and more likely to succeed in the future. Our society needs the person that is confident, bold and adventurous. The self-confidence is a gradual postnatal acquirement, so the most important responsibility of teachers is helping students build their own self-confidence.

Second, building self-confidence is not only important for the little children, but the same for our grown-up. Although we have established our own outlook on life, and can shield some negative effect at some extent, but we still need encouragement and praise from others to help us keep moving on. Self-confidence may really have some magical power for our people. Here is an example of mine. I use to be very shy, very afraid of speaking in front of people. At the opening ceremony of my primary school,(不是在说成人了吗？怎么还在说小学生的例子？) I was chosen to be the freshmen representative to give a speech. But after I finish the draft, my teacher told me that I was replaced, because I was very shy when answer the question in class, and all of the leaders and teachers of my school thought that I cannot finish the task well. At that time I felt so disappointed, and unwanted. If my teacher had encouraged me to insist on giving the speech and convinced leaders and other teachers to trust me to finish the task completely, I could be quite different today.

Above all, I think teacher should spend more time and energy on teaching students to be self-confident rather than teaching them plenty of knowledge. I use my own experience to tell everyone that students need confidence and more praise from their teachers more than knowledge. So please encourage your students generously, give them more confidence and more power than before.

yzwdan818 · 发表于 2013-3-16 19:47:15

3-14 独立

I believe that only what you can't image, nothing we can't do. Lacking of confidence is a horrible thing for a youth(前面不可以加a 吧？), especially at our ages. As we all know that (名词不能裸奔啊！)teacher(s) are is always acting（playing） an important role during(in) our lives, they teach us almost every aspects of this world, biology, astronomy, geology, and so on. But that is one side of teaching, the other side I think is something abstract, just like the means of learning, how to be a good person, and don’t lose our confidence no matter what we are suffering from. If a teacher only knows instilling students with lengthy formula, or concepts of specialized items, then he or she cannot be a real and competent teacher. Teacher(s), the human soul’s engineer, the most important duty for them is to cultivate a real, a confident person, not to build a knowledge absorbing machine.
First, confidence is just like a resource of energy. You can obtain a positive dynamic by holding it. Especially at the primary stage of education, children need to be praised and encouraged, except for the wrong behavior they do. If the teachersare(is) too strict for(with) the children, forbid everything novel and special, our children will not do it any longer, and lose the confidence to try something new. As they growing up, they are told not to do this and not to do that again and again(感觉好中国英语啊，但是我也不知道怎么说更地道), and they become conservative and timid little by little. A study used to show that the children who are more confident have a higher efficiency of learning, and more likely to succeed in the future. Our society needs the person that is confident, bold and adventurous. The self-confidence is a gradual postnatal acquirement, so the most important responsibility of teachers is helping students build their own self-confidence.
Second, building self-confidence is not only important for the little children, but the same for our grown-up. Although we have established our own outlook on life, and can shield some negative effect at some extent, but we still need encouragement and praise from others to help us keep moving on. Self-confidence may really have some magical power for our people. Here is an example of mine. I use to be very shy, very afraid of speaking in front of people. At the opening ceremony of my primary school, I was chosen to be the freshmen representative to give a speech. But after I finish the draft, my teacher told me that I was replaced, because I was very shy when answer the question in class, and all of the leaders and teachers of my school thought that I cannot finish the task well. At that time I felt so disappointed, and unwanted. If my teacher had encouraged me to insist on giving the speech and convinced leaders and other teachers to trust me to finish the task completely, I could be quite different today.（这个例子举得很好，很有说服力）
Above all, I think teachers should spend more time and energy on teaching students to be self-confident rather than teaching them plenty of knowledge. I use my own experience to tell everyone that students need confidence and more praise from their teachers more than knowledge. So please encourage your students generously, give them more confidence and more power than before.

说理很好，逻辑性也比较强，在短语的介词搭配，和名词的单复数上再注意一点。

AYSS · 发表于 2013-3-17 19:17:48

3-16 独立

As we have always been told that, everything in the world has several aspect, good or bad. We have to catch the capability to learn how to distinguish the different aspects of world events. Mass medium, like newspaper and television, provide us a path to know what is happening in this world. But which one can help us truly understand the world event better? Personally speaking, I disagree with the opinion that to truly understand world event, we should get out news from newspaper; television cannot provide enough information. Oppositely, I tend to choose the television more.
First of all, television can reproduce how the things happened at that time briefly. It makes people believe the authenticity of the event. As the saying goes that seeing is believing. Only after learn the real process of event, people can truly understand it. Besides that, reporting news via television can provide the timeliest information for us. Unlike the newspaper, the rapidness of television to spread information can help people to dispel the thoughts that weather the news published in the newspaper next morning is real.
Secondly, in spite that the newspaper has the feature of time delay, but it has more time to analyze the essence of the event than the television, and provide readers more cutting-edge and deep viewpoint. Television cannot reach this because its time of reporting is limited strictly.
Finally, the report in the newspaper is written by people, so subjectivity at some extent is unavoidable. It is difficult for a reporter, a normal person to report impersonally. Sometimes, the report will be even mixed with some attitudes from above. It is really hard to say. However, the news we got from the television is comparatively objective. Because they all recorded by machines.
According to the comparison above, we seemingly conclude that the television is a better choice for us to get our news and it can help us truly understand the world events. In fact we cannot. The methods have their own advantages to provide us news, but they all have obvious defects. Considering about the statement, we find that we cannot judge which one is better, and the other is worse definitely. Why do not combine them together to help us understand the world event? We cannot only get the latest news from the television, but also get the deep analysis of the news. It cannot be denied that it is killing two birds with one stone.

yzwdan818 · 发表于 2013-3-17 21:34:39

3-16 独立

As we have always been told that, everything in the world has several aspect(s), good or bad. We have to catch the capability to learn how to distinguish the different aspects of world events. Mass medium, like newspaper and television, provide us a path to know what is happening(happen不能用进行时吧) in this world. But which one can help us truly understand the world event better? Personally speaking, I disagree with the opinion that to truly understand world event, we should get out news from newspaper; television cannot provide enough information. Oppositely, I tend to choose the television more.
First of all, television can reproduce how the things happened at that time briefly. It makes people believe the authenticity of the event. As the saying goes that seeing is believing. Only after learn the real process of event, people can truly understand it（应该要写成倒装句，can放在people前面）. Besides that, reporting news via television can provide the timeliest information for us. Unlike the newspaper, the rapidness of television to spread information can help people to dispel the thoughts that weather the news published inthe newspaper next morning is real.（没看得懂你要表达的逻辑意思是什么？求解释啊）
Secondly, in spite that the newspaper has the feature of time delay, but（不能和in spite用在同一句话中） it has more time to analyze the essence of the event than the television, and provide readers more cutting-edge and deep viewpoint. Television cannot reach this because its time of reporting is limited strictly. （这段是在说报纸好？？前面不是在说电视好吗？要写也可以，但是一般是两个正面支持之后再小反下，但是最后还是要拉回来，比较起来还是电视好）
Finally, the report in the newspaper is written by people, so subjectivity at some extent is unavoidable. It is difficult for a reporter, a normal person to report impersonally. Sometimes, the report will be even mixed with some attitudes from above. It is really hard to say. However, the news we got from the television is comparatively objective. Because they all recorded by machines.（我觉得这段的理由不是很有说服力，电视上的新闻也是经过剪切写稿播报的，说报纸不客观性问题，电视新闻也存在这样的问题）
According to the comparison above, we seemingly conclude that the television is a better choice for us to get our news and it can help us truly understand the world events. In fact we cannot. The methods have their own advantages to provide us news, but they all have obvious defects. Considering about the statement, we find that we cannot judge which one is better, and the other is worse definitely. Why do not combine them together to help us understand the world event? We cannot only get the latest news from the television, but also get the deep analysis of the news. It cannot be denied that it is killing two birds with one stone.

作者的观点态度在第一段就已经说了，觉得电视机好，最后又说两个都好，这样显得很混乱！要想写两个都好，那么在第一段就应该说清楚。而且第二个理由应该写得更详细些。整体感觉整片文章逻辑比较混乱。然后是之前和你说过的问题，有的连词不能同时用在一句话中。

AYSS · 发表于 2013-3-18 22:02:16

As we have always been told that, everything in the world has several aspects, good or bad. We have to catch the capability to learn how to distinguish the different aspects of world events. Mass medium, like newspaper and television, provide us a path to know what is happening in this world. But which one can help us truly understand the world event better? Personally speaking, I agree with the opinion that to truly understand world event, we should get news from newspaper; television cannot provide enough information.
First of all, newspaper can provide us the latest news briefly. It makes people believe the authenticity of the event by using images along with text descriptors. Only after learn the real process of event, people can truly understand it. Besides that, reporting news via newspaper can provide the timeliest information much more briefly for us. Unlike the television, the limitation of the length of the program is so strict that it cannot report the event in detail, just a few cursory words instead.
Secondly, even though the newspaper has the feature of time delay comparing to the speed of information spreading of television. But the reporters of the newspaper have more time to analyze the essence of the event than the television, and provide readers more cutting-edge and deep viewpoint.
Additionally, the report in the newspaper is written by people, so subjectivity at some extent is unavoidable. It is difficult for a reporter, a normal person as well to report impersonally. Sometimes, the report will be mixed with some attitudes from above. However it is hard to say that the news we got from the television is entirely objective. That is so absolute. The images recorded can also be fabricated. The old saying that seeing is believing is not going to work at this time.
According to the comparison above, I prefer the newspaper to the television. In spite of the time delay of the newspaper and the subjectivity at some extent, it seems much better for us to get news and truly understand the world event than television. So spare some time to read the newspaper, and you will find something hidden in the lines of words. Amazing, right?

yzwdan818 · 发表于 2013-3-19 22:37:22

As we have always been told that, everything in the world has several aspects, good or bad. We have to catch the capability to learn how to distinguish the different aspects of world events. Mass medium, like newspaper and television, provide us a path to know what is happening in this world. But which one can help us truly understand the world event better? Personally speaking, I agree with the opinion that to truly understand world event, we should get news from newspaper; television cannot provide enough information.
First of all, newspaper can provide us the latest news briefly. It makes people believe the authenticity of the event by using images along with text descriptors. Only after learn the real process of event, people can truly understand it. Besides that, reporting news via newspaper can provide the timeliest information much more briefly for us. Unlike the television, the limitation of the length of the program is so strict that it cannot report the event in detail, just a few cursory words instead.（你前面说报纸可以给我们简明的信息，后面又说电视因为时长限制只能说一点点，那两种方式信息量都少啊，没有突出报纸的优点，况且题目是说报纸能提供给我们更多的信息，那么简明我觉得最好不要作为一个优点来说，简单不就信息量小了吗）
Secondly, even though the newspaper has the feature of time delay comparing to the speed of information spreading of television~~. But~~（，） the reporters of the newspaper have more time to analyze the essence of the event than the television, and provide readers more cutting-edge and deep viewpoint.
Additionally,（换成admittedly更好些） the report in the newspaper is written by people, so subjectivity at some extent is unavoidable. It is difficult for a reporter, a normal person as well to report impersonally. Sometimes, the report will be mixed with some attitudes from above. However it is hard to say that the news we got from the television is entirely objective. That is so absolute. The images recorded can also be fabricated. The old saying that seeing is believing is not going to work at this time. （改过之后，这段写得很好）
According to the comparison above, I prefer the newspaper to the television. In spite of the time delay of the newspaper and the subjectivity at some extent, it seems much better for us to get news and truly understand the world event than television. So spare some time to read the newspaper, and you will find something hidden in the lines of words. Amazing, right?

重点还是要放在报纸提供的信息量大这个点上

AYSS‘s Essay~~Fighting！~

所属分类: TOEFL / IELTS

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