小v第一次加入写作小分队，作文求指教！！！

verchieldan · 发表于 2012-9-25 13:17:06

9月25日正式加入，本人作文是英语所有题型中最弱的，求各位多多指教啊。

verchieldan · 发表于 2012-9-25 19:12:14

9.25 独立
People who cannot accept the criticism from others will not be successful at working in a group.

Asked what if there is no criticism at working in a group, most people may answer: there is no access to the validity results of anything. In fact, criticism plays a vital part in the way founding success. As American poetess --M. Moore said, “victory won't come to me unless I go to it.” I firmly believe that people who cannot accept the criticism from others will not successful, especially working in a group. To better illustrate my point of view, I list several reasons as follows.
To begin with, criticism can help people found their shortcomings so as to improve themselves and get close to success while doing teamwork. Due to the over self-identities, elites who have been high educated or born rich often believe they can achieve goals by their own without mistakes. For example, Julie is a girl who has been learning ballet for 8 years since she was 4 years old.”What a pretty angel the girl is!” as people said after watching her performance. She failed to entry the School of the Art Institute of Chicago last year, however, she thought she was best enough to go there and ignore the criticism from her teacher. Maybe we can do better among others, but with the help of criticism, we can go further to make the success come true.
Furthermore, one’s success means nothing but perfect for a group. A group must work together and hold together to deal with emergency, especially accept the criticism from other team members when they are facing difficulties. There is no better illustration than the example of American psychologist Carnegie. A reporter from the Sun always made ad hominem. Because he thought Carnegie have problems in adult teaching school. As a result, Carnegie got angry and never met the reporter until they themselves found it’s out of fashion to teach in that way. Absolutely, it is necessary for one to accept the criticism while working in a group.

Admittedly, I tend to add that: in some conditions, it may be important that you should distinguish the meritorious and vicious criticism. On one hand, people may not know well about your team task and your position. Consequently, providing unsuitable criticism may lead to contrast results. On the other hand, when your unfriendly competitors criticize you in some aspects, it is unsound to trust them all even in the same group. These cases, however, are too rare and therefore are too weak to convince me to walk away from position.

In sum, from above discussion, I may safely draw the conclusion that while working in a group,People who cannot accept the criticism from others will not be successful. Criticism is not only wealth but also a key to break the self-limitation. Without the help of it, the future success is remained untouchable.

bonnenuit · 发表于 2012-9-25 23:21:43

Asked what if there is no criticism at working in a group, most people may answer: there is no access to the validity results of anything. In fact, criticism plays a vital part in the way founding success. As American poetess --M. Moore said, “victory won't come to me unless I go to it.” I firmly believe that people who cannot accept the criticism from others will not successful（success，或者successful前加be）, especially working in a group. To better illustrate my point of view, I list several reasons as follows.
To begin with, criticism can help people found （help后面应该跟动词原形吧，find）their shortcomings so as to improve themselves and get close to success while doing teamwork. Due to the over self-identities, elites who have been high educated or born rich often believe they can achieve goals by their own without mistakes. For example, Julie is a girl who has been learning ballet for 8 years since she was 4 years old.”What a pretty angel the girl is!” as people said after watching her performance. She failed to entry the School of the Art Institute of Chicago last year, however, she thought she was best enough to go there and ignore（前面是thought,那么这个就应该是ignored吧） the criticism from her teacher. Maybe we can do better among others, but with the help of criticism, we can go further to make the success come true.
Furthermore, one’s success means nothing but perfect for a group. A group must work together and hold together to deal with emergency, especially accept the criticism from other team members when they are facing difficulties. There is no better illustration than the example of American psychologist Carnegie. A reporter from the Sun always made ad hominem. Because he thought Carnegie have(had?) problems in adult teaching school. As a result, Carnegie got angry and never met the reporter until they themselves found it’s(it was) out of fashion to teach in that way. Absolutely, it is necessary for one to accept the criticism while working in a group.

Admittedly, I tend to add that: in some conditions, it may be important that you should distinguish the meritorious and vicious criticism. On one hand, people may not know well about your team task and your position. Consequently, providing unsuitable criticism may lead to contrast results. On the other hand, when your unfriendly competitors criticize you in some aspects, it is unsound to trust them all even in the same group. These cases, however, are too rare and therefore are too weak to convince me to walk away from position.

In sum, from above discussion, I may safely draw the conclusion that while working in a group,People who cannot accept the criticism from others will not be successful. Criticism is not only wealth but also a key to break the self-limitation. Without the help of it, the future success is remained untouchable.

这是一些简单的时态问题写文章的时候多注意一下就好了
不愧是受过G洗礼的大牛啊
文章词汇基础很好，也能较灵活使用学术词汇，使用了部分简单的长难句，过渡词和衔接词使用的比较不错
文章还引用了名言名句
这些都是我值得学习的

verchieldan · 发表于 2012-9-26 21:24:04

第二篇托福作文，请指教！！9.26独立
Some jobs can pay high salaries but require employees to leave their family and friends. Some jobs pay few salaries but allow staying with family and friend. Which do you like

Propose a situation that if you are offered two jobs, one can pay high salaries but require employees to leave their family and friends and the other pays few but allow staying with family and friends. Which you might choose? Of course, I will take the last offer, because I firmly believe that working around my family and close friends comfort me not only in physical but also in mental. Considering that we often have to make own decisions, I list several reasons to better illustrate my point of view as follows.

To begin with, family is a comfortable bay for every person grew up here. As the saying goes, “Do not feedback to your parents until you are old enough but not them.” When you chose to work near family members, all of you can hold together and face difficulties which you have met in work. So do friends. They are just as another home where will always keep the door for you. For example, I have a friend who has been working abroad for ten years since she graduated from college. In order to find a high-pay job in a metropolis not in her small town, however, she fought for her destiny lonely until her mother was gone last year. “Money and status doesn’t mean noting when compared with my mom, you will never know how regret I am!” She shouted at me and then cried so sad just like a baby. Absolutely, we can get jobs, wealth, and status as long as we alive, but some people will go forever.

Furthermore, accompany with your family and friends may get a low salary job because the limitations of local, environment, time even chances. We can do our best to improve the salary we get. It is possible that when you finish your college and get a unimportant job near home. Doing small works can’t last long only if you can achieve success and make progress, including stimulating innovation and improve yourself by your efforts. There is no better illustration that the example of Yuanjie Zheng, who is a famous writer of fairy tale in China. He was an unknown and poor man when he was young, however, he chose to take care of his sick mother and work with his classmates for several years. Consequently, he made his dream come true and accompanied with his family. That is to say, nothing is impossible through your attempt. In fact, we all strive day in and out to achieve success for our family and friend, and we all desire to savor the marvelous rewards of a superior career in life.

Admittedly, I have to recognize that: in some conditions, it may be true that you cannot burn the candle at both ends, you must work away to earn money for the sick families as you cannot get so much in your home town. Besides, I want to suggest that one can always find a balance for both.

In sum, for the reasons stated above, I can safely conclude that when anyone of us live in the best time of human history, of course we can get some jobs pay few salaries but allow staying with family and friend.

angelafeng · 发表于 2012-9-27 22:08:25

Propose a situation that if you are offered two jobs, one can pay high salaries but require employees to leave their family and friends and the other pays few but allow staying with family and friends. Which you might choose? Of course, I will take the last offer, because I firmly believe that working around my family and close friends comfort me not only in physical but also in mental. Considering that we often have to make own decisions, I list several reasons to better illustrate my point of view as follows.

To begin with, family is a comfortable bay for every person grew up here. As the saying goes, “Do not feedback to your parents until you are old enough but not them.” When you chose to work near family members, all of you can hold together and face difficulties which you have met in work. So do friends. They are just as another home where will always keep the door for you. For example, I have a friend who has been working abroad for ten years since she graduated from college. In order to find a high-pay job in a metropolis not in her small town, however, she fought for her destiny lonely until her mother was gone last year. “Money and status doesn’t mean noting when compared with my mom, you will never know how regret I am!” She shouted at me and then cried so sad just like a baby. Absolutely, we can get jobs, wealth, and status as long as we alive, but some people will go forever.（这段LZ写的太棒了，例子引的好，学习一下）

Furthermore, accompany with your family and friends may get a low salary job because the limitations of local, environment, time even chances. We can do our best to improve the salary we get. It is possible that when you finish your college and get a（an） unimportant job near home. Doing small works can’t last long only if you can achieve success and make progress, including stimulating innovation and improve yourself by your efforts. There is no better illustration that the example of Yuanjie Zheng, who is a famous writer of fairy tale in China. He was an unknown and poor man when he was young, however, he chose to take care of his sick mother and work with his classmates for several years. Consequently, he made his dream come true and accompanied with his family. That is to say, nothing is impossible through your attempt. In fact, we all strive day in and out to achieve success for our family and friend, and we all desire to savor the marvelous rewards of a superior career in life.

Admittedly, I have to recognize that: in some conditions, it may be true that you cannot burn the candle at both ends, you must work away to earn money for the sick families as you cannot get so much in your home town.（这个句子写的好）Besides, I want to suggest that one can always find a balance for both.

In sum, for the reasons stated above, I can safely conclude that when anyone of us live in the best time of human history, of course we can get some jobs pay few salaries but allow staying with family and friend.

LZ写的真好，语言很地道，结构完整，内容充实。
可以当范文啦~~
Anglea学习了~~

verchieldan · 发表于 2012-9-28 13:54:19

9.27 独立
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: Nowadays, it is much easier to achieve success with help from one's family than what is like before.

Is it easier to achieve success with help from one’s family that what is like before? Some people argue that only by try one’s best can he or she get success and there is little help from family even until now. However, as far as I concerned, while people get closer and build complex relationship based on every family, it may sound easier to achieve one’s goal nowadays than in the past.

First and foremost, success not only includes personal efforts or ability, it also contains many other essential facts and I have to put the help of family on the top place. It is obviously that few graduates who just leave school and have no experience are hard to find a satisfied job, especially during the financial crises period and after. But if he or she can be recommended by their family, getting a pretty good job is just around the corner. For example, I have a cousin who is a postgraduate student from Peking University last year. With the help of his father, he had another chance to meet the interviewer and talk with the CEO of China mobile. Consequently, he took the job by showing his innovative idea to the interviewer as he had more time than any other ones.

In addition, more companies’ recruitment rely on introduce in their inner employees. Thus, with the recommendation like from one’s family, it will bring more benefits to the company such as loyalty, trust and source allocation. Let’s take P&G as an example, the company provide superior polices to family employees. Hence, with the help of family, one can make his or her career dream come true currently.

Last but not least, family members like mother and father are always helpful during we are finding was to success. Due to the older age and more experience, they can help you to decide learning direction and deal with difficulties which you have no idea what to do. Whenever we are in trouble, they will be the first person to drag us out. That is, family is really helpful when we are caching our successes in the changing society. With the rapid developing of the living society, we can never imaging what we will meet and encounter in the near future.

To sum up, we absolutely cannot ignore the help from family. It is more important to consider it than the past. At the same, be grateful for our families forever.

Iszy · 发表于 2012-9-28 19:50:36

红色为有误，黄色为精彩，绿色为可改善句

Is it easier to achieve success with help from one’s family that what is like before? Some people argue that only by try （trying) one’s best can he or she get success and there is little help from family even until now. However, as far as I concerned (I am concerned) , while people get closer and build complex relationship (relationships) based on every family, it may sound easier to achieve one’s goal nowadays than in the past.

First and foremost, success not only includes personal efforts or ability(abilities), it also contains many other essential facts and I have to put the help of family on the top place.( ”have to"太妥，因为他是“不得不”意思，带有无可奈何的意味） It is obviously （obvious) thatfew (有否定的意思，这里是想表达“没有几个大学生”的意思吗？）graduates who just leave school and have no experience are hard to find a satisfied job, especially during the financial crises （crsis) period and after. But if he or she can be recommended by their family, getting a pretty good job is just around the corner. For example, I have a cousin who is (was) a postgraduate student from Peking University last year. With the help of his father, he had another(那第一次的chance呢?)chance to meet the interviewer and talk with the CEO of China mobile （有点罗嗦了）. Consequently, he took the job by showing his innovative idea to the interviewer as he had more time than any other ones.(as
在这里是表因果吗？这句我不太理解要表达的意思.)
In addition, more companies’ recruitment (recruitments) rely on introduce (introducing)in (介词不是这个吧？"by"?) their inner employees. Thus, with the recommendation like from one’s family, it will bring more benefits to the company such as loyalty, trust and source allocation. Let’s take P&G as an example, the company provide( provides) superior polices to family employees. Hence, with the help of family, one can make his or her career dream come true currently.（改为more easily )

Last but not least, family members like mother and father are always helpful during we are finding was to success.( 不确定这样是否正确）Due to the older age and more experience, they can help you to decide learning direction and deal with difficulties which you have no idea about what to do. Whenever we are in trouble, they will be the first person to drag us out. That is, family is really helpful when we are caching our successes in the changing society. With the rapid developing of the living society, we can never imaging what we will meet and encounter in the near future.

To sum up, we absolutely cannot ignore the help from family. It is more important to consider it than the past. At the same, remember to be grateful for our families forever.

总结
1、名词的单复数、动词的时态以后可以更加注意一些~~（这个是小错误啦~）
2、例子貌似不能充分支持论点（哈哈，这篇滴例子单薄了点，但看了楼主以前写的作文，例子很不错呀~~~）

但是，文章整体的结构还是很清晰的，也能了解楼主要表达的意思，学到了东西哦，谢了~~

~~~！

verchieldan · 发表于 2012-9-29 16:34:42

9.29 综合TPO9

The reading passage explores the issue of the fuel-cell engine will replace the internal-combustion engines for cars because fuel-cell engine has more advantages. The professor’s lecture deal with the same issue, however, he thinks that the reading is optimistic in its assessment of hydrogen-based fuel-cell engines which contradict what the reading states. And in the lecture, he uses three specific points to support his idea.

First, even though the reading passage suggests that the Petroleum which the internal-combustion engines use while the hydrogen needed for fuel-cell cannot be depleted, the professor argues in the lecture that hydrogen is not as easily available as the passage indicates. This is because it’s hard to produce and store hydrogen, which means it is not a practically and easily available substance. Obviously, the professor’s argument disproves its counterpart in the reading.

Moreover, despite the statement in the reading that the hydrogen need for fuel-cell engines cannot be depleted easily, the professor contends that using hydrogen would not solve the pollution problems. Then he supports this point with he fact that Producing hydrogen requires lots of energy that is obtained by burning coal or oil. In other words, there is no use to replace the former engines.

Finally, the professor asserts that fuel-cell engines will not be cheaper than internal- combustion engines, whereas the author of the reading claims that fuel-cell engines will be economically. The professor proves that this claim is indefensible by pointing out that fuel-cell engines require components made of platinum which is a very rare and expensive metal.

In conclusion, the professor clearly identifies the weaknesses in the reading passage and convincingly shows that the central argument in the reading that cars will use fuel-cell engines instead of internal-combustion engines is totally incorrect.
第一次写综合，因为时间匆忙，没找到听力原文，就直接看了文本，下次要完整的写一次啊，请批改的同学多多拍砖，顺便问一下，写多少字为好啊，谢谢了。

chasedreamabc · 发表于 2012-9-30 21:42:07

直接对照文本写的，综合就没有多大的意义了，因为综合的重点在于听力，写作不是重点= =
就单纯的本文来说，其实没什么可说的了，要点都齐全（看的文本还能不齐全吗）
OG的字数要求是150-225字，不过就是超出一些也没关系，只要你能保证说明白完整

verchieldan · 发表于 2012-10-9 17:15:38

10.9 独立

It's more important for the government to build art museums and music performance center than to build recreational devices (such as swimming pool, playgrounds)

As more and more art museums and music performance center were built by government in recent years, it is seems like that building recreational devices are less important. Of course, they all belong to fundamental buildings in the city and provide services of goods to meet variety people’s need to help them enjoy the modern life in cities. Government should never put the art museums in the first place, however, in order to develop a balance city life both in people’s quality in music but also in daily entertainment for relaxation.

First of all, building more art museums and music performance centers can promote citizen’s music quality and develop economy. On the one hand, if there are more art museums than recreational devices in downtown, parents tend to take their children to enjoy artworks or go to theater more often. I’d like to take myself as an example. When I was young, local government built a theater where would perform different kinds of drama every weekends, including Being Opera, ballet, foreign music drama and concert. Naturally, my parents took me there nearly every month there. Hence, I fell in love with music, especial piano concert. Can you image that? I have learned the piano for about 12 years from now, and earned so many rewards in different competitions even in college. As for me, music is a vital part in my whole life. On the other hand, cities which are famous for music and art will attract large numbers of tourists from all around the world and are helpful in art industry. Paris is the holy land of artist and music lovers nowadays, so the culture industry is prosperous in the world.

In addition, relaxation is also crucial for modern people living in the highly changed city. According a recent survey, the statistics shows that 70% of people feel they are under huge pressure while working and living in the big cities. We can conclude that recreational center is necessary for people to release nervous mood and take exercises such as go swimming, play tennis and basketball. At the same time, we cannot ignore a group old people. They distribute themselves to the city they love and live, after they retired from their own job, it is sound to provide them some to walk with families and work out in a recreational center? The answer is positive. Absolutely, recreational center is no less important than art museums of music performance centers for one’s psychical and mental health. Let’s talk about the residential areas in most of China. Chinese try to build more recreational centers in every living areas .The purpose is not only in work achievements, but also in order to provide some available room for its citizens. Although the center maybe not large enough to play a soccer game, it is enough for a father to play soccer with his little boy in the ground.

Art museum or recreational center, which is more important for government to build? There exists a compromised way to solve it. Government should balance these to better satisfy people rather than think that it's more important for the government to build art museums and music performance center than to build recreational devices. Admittedly, if the government wants to build a unique city with art atmosphere, they could build more art museums moderately.

In sum, to develop a harmony city, government should not build too many art museums than recreational centers. For the reasons listed above, we can safely conclude that relaxation and take exercises are as important as enjoy artworks or music.

小v第一次加入写作小分队，作文求指教！！！

^^, 来改作文了~~~

所属分类: TOEFL / IELTS

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