新人gaoynn初来乍到，求狠批！

gaoynn · 发表于 2013-5-9 18:15:25

第一次参加小分队不知道是不是这样的，这个题目好难写啊，而且我最不会写的是开头和结尾，求大家指教！
题目：
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Should the government supports artists or should artists support themselves?

Art is a quite special field of work since art is a represent of spiritual work. Some believes that artists should be independent and work by themselves to gain the approve of the world while some suggests that artists also need government’s aim to achieve better performance. For me, I think government should support the artists.

First of all, it is hard for artist to earn a stable income as engineer, dentist or the other occupations do since art is not a product which can be estimated for a certain price. More often than not, the value of art is related to the reputation of the artist and mainstream of esthetic views. A talented artist may be too cynical and alienated that his amazing but critical work can not be appreciated by the public right now ,however, considered as a masterpiece decades later. Then he may live arduous and can not afford the cost to continue his art career. That is part of reason why so many famous artists become well known after their death in poverty.Furthermore, large proportion of painters ,musician, and dancers scarcely have opportunities to present themselves since they don’t have money to set up a expedition, make a concert or perform a choreography in theater. Thus, these nameless artists are unable to be recognized by public and their work would be difficult to be admitted. As there are so many obstacles to be overcome, only few artists are lucky enough to support themselves to insist their career. Arguably, if they can first receive a fund to undertake a good start in the very beginning, they might have more chances to succeed.

In addition, government are the most powerful and reliable institution to carry out the duty to support the artist. Not only because government have budget to support large scale of artist field and great amount of artists but also because government are able to set up a more comprehensive system to support the artists. From prompting art school to creating more jobs available for artists, government can essentially change the situation that artist earn a living by chance and luck. In a well organized system, hard working will be more crucial for artist to become successful. Therefore, without concerning with sustenance, artists can be more focusing on their work and then create more fantastic product.

In sum, to advocate arts, government need to take measures to support arts instead of leaving artists to burden all the responsibility.

sherlock1992 · 发表于 2013-5-10 21:31:38

Art is a quite special field of work since art is a represent of spiritual work. Some believes(believe) that artists should be independent and work by themselves to gain the approve(approve只能作动词） of the world while some suggests(suggest) that artists also need government’s aim (（怎么解释？感觉有点不协调）to achieve better performance. For me, I think government should support the artists.

First of all, it is hard for artist to earn a stable income as engineer, dentist or the other occupations do since art is not a product which can be estimated for a certain price. More often than not, the value of art is related to the reputation of the artist and mainstream of esthetic views. A talented artist may be too cynical and alienated that his amazing but critical work can not be appreciated by the public right now ,however, considered as a masterpiece decades later. Then he may live arduous(arduously) and can not afford the cost to continue his art career. That is part of reason why so many famous artists become well known after their death in poverty.Furthermore, large proportion of painters ,musician, and dancers scarcely have opportunities to present themselves since they don’t have money to set up a expedition, make a concert or perform a choreography in theater. Thus, these nameless artists are unable to be recognized by public and their work would be difficult to be admitted. As there are so many obstacles to be(去掉） overcome, only few artists are lucky enough to support themselves to insist(insist不及物，用insist on) their career. Arguably, if they can first receive a fund to undertake(这个词用得不太恰当） a good start in the very beginning, they might have more chances to succeed.

In addition, government are(is) the most powerful and reliable institution to carry out(不太合适，用assume或bear更好） the duty to support the artist. Not only because government have budget to support large scale of artist field and great amount of artists but also because government are able to set up a more comprehensive system to support the artists. From prompting art school to creating more jobs available for artists, government can essentially change the situation that artist earn a living by chance and luck. In a well organized system, hard working will be more crucial for artist to become successful. Therefore, without concerning with sustenance, artists can be more focusing on their work and then create more fantastic product.

In sum, to advocate arts, government need to take measures to support arts instead of leaving artists to burden all the responsibility.

总体看来写的不错，只需注意一些语法和词法问题。

加油

gaoynn · 发表于 2013-5-12 18:40:17

sherlock1992 发表于 2013-5-10 21:31
Art is a quite special field of work since art is a represent of spiritual work. Some believes[/back ...

非常感谢，我以后会注意用词的推敲，不乱用词了。想问一下，我感觉我写作文的逻辑好像有点问题，和你写的作文比起来。我觉得我就好像走离题一样。看到这个题目，压根就没往art的好处去想，就只想着Artists有多困难去维持生计什么的，想请问下你练作文的方法，特别是写观点这些，我常常没思路。

sherlock1992 · 发表于 2013-5-17 22:20:47

对不起啊，这几天有事，一直没在线。写观点思路的话，可参考《10天突破新托福essays》，慎小嶷写的，网上有下载。另外，版内还有对于不同作文题目的思路提供，都可借鉴。p.s. LZ讲话不要那么严肃吗

gaoynn · 发表于 2013-6-12 23:08:58

12 June 「Today」
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Printed books have greater effects on society than television does

Since varieties of programs catering different kinds of people can be found on Television, Television has gradually dominated people’s leisure time while people spent less and less time on reading printed books. However, I think printed books still have great impact on the society and prompt the human being to improving by conveying information. Compared to television, printed books have several merits for viewer to acquire information.

First of all, books are better way to convey specific knowledge. As media, television and books both can carry knowledge and present to their viewer or reader with their own specified way. The feature of books are more suitable for a man who want to understand a more comprehensive and complicated erudition, such as a delicate formula or an abstract theory. Reading a book , viewer are more flexible with time and thinking. They can pause any time they feel the content is ambiguous for them and reread it.

Second, books contain more content. In general, a book shows more details than television does when they are telling the same story. A program on television has limited time and allocating bunches of contents in a short period is quite hard. Director will always omit something less important. In term of books, adding pieces of pages cost much less than extending few seconds of a program. The authors are eligible to show entirely whole story with every single details to their reader. For example, some news is stated by several sentences on a news program while same news can occupy entire page in morning newspaper. It is not hard to imagine the quantity of information send by a program and a newspaper respectively. With sufficient contents and details, books are able to show their readers more clear and genuine story and cause less misunderstanding.

Third, books are easy for viewer to organize their time more efficient. A reader can use different strategy to read a book. He can either read a book from the beginning to the end, or scan the index and main title to have a general idea about the book and then may pick up some contents that he is interested in and continue to read them carefully. Television program force its viewer to watch all what it is saying and if the viewers skip some part of it, it may be hard for them to find a clue to continue watch it.

Last but not least, in television program people can find advertisement all over there. The viewer wastes much time on mandatory advertisement and is unable to get rid of it. Some printed media, such as magazine and newspaper, also contain advertisement but the reader can easily skip it.

In sum, with the advantages of books mentioned above, printed books are more convenient and efficient for viewer to obtain knowledge. Therefore, books is a better way to carry information and present to their view than television. It also means books have more effect than television does.

sherlock1992 · 发表于 2013-6-15 10:14:17

gaoynn 发表于 2013-6-12 23:08
12 June 「Today」
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

12 June 「Today」
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Printed books have greater effects on society than television does
红色修改，蓝色建议，高亮表赞
Since varieties of programs catering(catering to) different kinds of people can be found on Television, Television has gradually dominated people’s leisure time while people spent(spend) less and less time on reading printed books. However, I think printed books still have great impact(impact在做撞击、冲击、碰撞时为不可数，做印象、影响时可数） on the society and prompt the human being to improving（improve) by conveying information.(这里最好再加上hence/thus/therefore等连词，会显得更舒畅，更有逻辑） Compared to television, printed books have several merits for viewer to acquire information.（这段的结构很好，但要注意一些词的用法）

First of all, books are better way to convey specific knowledge. As media, television and books both can carry knowledge and present to their viewer or reader with（去掉）their own specified way.（注意句子间要加连词，下同） The feature of books are more suitable for a man who want to understand a more comprehensive and complicated erudition, such as a delicate formula or an abstract theory. Reading a book , viewer are more flexible with time and thinking（viewers与flexible, 这样的主谓不搭吧？）. They can pause any time they feel the content is ambiguous for them and reread it. （如果在结尾有个总结本段论点的总结句会更好）

Second, books contain more content. In general, a book shows more details than television does when they are telling the same story. A program on television has limited time and allocating bunches of contents in a short period is quite hard.（这句话写成it is quite hard for a program to limit its time and allocate bunches of contents in a short period on television是否会更好?) Director will always omit something less important. In term of books, adding pieces of pages cost much less than extending few seconds of a program（中肯）. The authors are eligible to show entirely whole story with every single details（detail) to their reader. For example, some news is stated by several sentences on a news program while same news can occupy entire page in a morning newspaper. It is not hard to imagine the quantity of information send by a program and a newspaper respectively. With sufficient contents and details, books are able to show their readers more clear and genuine story and cause less misunderstanding.

Third, books are an easy channel for viewers to organize their time more efficient. A reader can use different strategies to read a book. He can either read a book from the beginning to the end, or scan the index and main title to have a general idea about the book and then may pick up some contents that he is interested in and continue to read them carefully. Television programs force its viewer to watch all what it is saying and if the viewers skip some part of it, it may be hard for them to find a clue to continue watch it.（同上，缺少末尾的总结分论点的句子）

Last， but not the least, in television programs people can find advertisements all over there. The viewer wastes much time on mandatory advertisement and is unable to get rid of it(中肯）. Some printed media, such as magazines and newspaper, also contain advertisements but the reader can easily skip it.(童鞋，这段有点不够丰满啊，，，）

In sum, with the advantages of books mentioned above, printed books are more convenient and efficient for viewers to obtain knowledge. Therefore, books is a better way to carry information and present to(去掉） their views than television. It also means books have more effect than television does.
总结：
1.首先，全文结构明晰，论点分明，值得表扬。。。
2.但是，其中的一些基本语法问题，，，楼主需要多加注意。。。
3.加油！

新人gaoynn初来乍到，求狠批！

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