写作小分队---一战写作20,目标25，fighting---求拍砖，狠狠拍，别客气呀

pinkyhuayin · 发表于 2012-7-26 15:00:21

6.30 一战 writing 20....integrated writing---limited

只有献丑啦，今天报名参加写作小分队，开始练习作文。作文这段项目一直投入的精力不够，这个成绩也不奇怪。
目标二战 25，fighting,请各路高手，狠狠拍砖，别客气哈。要想挫败别人，必先挫败自己

pinkyhuayin · 发表于 2012-7-26 15:01:06

今天想写篇作文，这个题目越看越眼熟，原来上个月看机经的时候，写过这一遍，哎，先贴出来献丑啦。

7.26
Do you agree with the viewpoint that peopleare now easier to become educated than in the past?

Neverdoes the topic of education fail to fascinate us in this fast developedsociety. more and more people focus on education, because it is widely acceptedthat “ the better educated person , the better kind of life”. My view is thatit is much easier for people to get educated than in the past for threereasons- government support. Instinct demand, and convenient search.

First,in nowadays, everyone has the equal right to get primary education from school,because of the great support of government which distributes more recourse thanever before. China
is a good case in this point. Everyone has been entitled totake a 9-years basic education from a child to a teenage before entering to an university whichprovides higher education. Also, the increasing number of schools and teachersmakes it possible that more people can get education. To be specific, thegovernment supply financial aid to the poor to keep study.
moreover,as the greatly intense competition, people have instinct demand to get moreeducation than ever before. According to a recent survey, more than halfpercent people feel the competition and are likely to get further study to keeptheir status ,especial on the top of the social heap. for instance, my sisterwho is working in a global bank plans to take several financial exam-CFA .onlyif she passes the exam , she will get the opportunity to be promoted. Thus,hundreds of training organization have surfaced in modern society, which also makes people easier toget education than in the past.

furthermore,thanks to the greatest invention of this century-internet, people could obtainuseful information from all around the world. For instance, if a scientist in adeveloping like China
is doing reach in a new area which only is studied in a developed country, hecan use the internet to search the useful information. What he need to do is justtyping the key words and then clicking search button, no more than one secondhe could find whatever he wants.
Finally,there is no doubt that people nowadays are more convenient to get education than in the past. If thereis anyone out there who still doubts that the poor doesn’t have chance to geteducation, who still wonders if there is not a suitable and interesting subjectto study, who still questions if it is inconvenient to get useful information,my essay is the answer.

pinkyhuayin · 发表于 2012-7-26 17:47:42

明天楼主有事外出，提前交作业~\(≧▽≦)/~啦啦啦。

这篇文章是呕心沥血近两个小时写出来的。其中，特别花了心思在文章的逻辑结构上面，这个是比较薄弱的地方，多多关注，多多指正哦，鞠躬。

7月27日Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People should know the events happening around the world, even if it unlikely has some influence on your daily life.

as we are living in an age of information that none of our ancestor have ever referred to, the earth seems like a small village,and all the countries are connected tightly by the internet-the information highway. People should pay attention on what happen surrounding or far away them in order to keep steps. No matter on the level of an individual, a local government, or a country, to learn from others is of great importance.

First, to widen eyes ,open mind and inspire potential, individual need to know the events happening around the world. Only focus on a little spot,man’ mind would be narrowed. That is also the reason why we are encouraged to read more books. Fortunately, internet brings us so much free electronic reading resources that we can find anything we interested in. There is no excuse to constrain ourselves in a narrowed atmosphere. And the big events is always a social topic, people share different opinions about them. It is necessary for individual to know big events to make a better social relationship with other. Otherwise, a frustrated feeling would surface that –Am I living on anther planet?

Moreover, it is a wise choice for government learn experience from others, no matter successful ones or failed ones. Admittedly, different government face different problems. But, the core sprit to pursuit is the same- a better life for human. The solution of environment problem is a good case in this point. As people notice the global warm caused by greenhouse effect, governments make rules and regulations to control the emission of CO2,which is harm to ozone layer. Japan, the first one, improved eco-environment paper products to substitute plastic bags. And it is now widely accepted in the world.

Furthermore, a country has the responsibility to know the events occur in the world, especially about other countries. Every country is a member of international community. There is no doubt that none can avoid the influence from others. Take the European Crisis as an example. Greek, in the deep debt, has shaking the confidence of Euro in other countries, which leads to the decrease of Euro in international market. And other European countries are in the center of this crisis storm. Therefore, a government should not only focus on domestic affairs, but also the trends of the global .

In sum, people should know events in the world, even their influence may not effect directly. The individuals can far-sight in perspective ,the government can learn more from others, and country can keep awareness of global trends, all from the events in the world.

fairyfinger · 发表于 2012-7-29 11:08:32

7月27日Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People should know the events happening around the world, even if it unlikely has some influence on your daily life.

as(As) we are living in an age of information that none of our ancestor have ever referred to, the earth seems like a small village,and all the countries are connected tightly by the internet-the information highway. People should pay attention on what happen surrounding( in their surroundings) or far away from them in order to keep steps. No matter on the level of an individual, a local government, or a country, to learn(learning ) from others is of great importance.

First, to widen eyes ,open mind and inspire potential, individual need to know the events happening around the world. Only focus on a little spot,man’ mind would be narrowed. That is also the reason why we are encouraged to read more books. Fortunately, internet brings us so much free electronic reading resources that we can find anything we interested in. There is no excuse to constrain ourselves in a narrowed atmosphere. And the big events is always a social topic, people share different opinions about them. It is necessary for individual to know big events to make a better social relationship with other(S). Otherwise, a frustrated feeling would surface that –Am I living on anther planet?

Moreover, it is a wise choice for government to learn experience from others, no matter successful ones or failed ones. Admittedly, different government face different problems. But, the core sprit(spirit) to pursuit is the same- a better life for human(s). The solution of environment problem is a good case in this point. As people notice the global warm caused by greenhouse effect, governments make rules and regulations to control the emission of CO2,which is harm to ozone layer. Japan, the first one, improved eco-environment paper products to substitute plastic bags. And it is now widely accepted in the world.

Furthermore, a country has the responsibility to know the events occur in the world, especially about other countries. Every country is a member of international community. There is no doubt that none can avoid the influence from others. Take the European Crisis as an example. Greek, in the deep debt, has shaking the confidence of Euro in other countries, which leads to the decrease of Euro in international market. And other European countries are in the center of this crisis storm. Therefore, a government should not only focus on domestic affairs, but also the trends of the global .

In sum, people should know events in the world, even their influence may not effect directly( are not direct就ok啦). The individuals can far-sight in perspective ,the government can learn more from others, and country can keep awareness of global trends, all from the events in the world.

lz词语搭配神马的还需要加强，总的来说论述得还不错！结构什么的都很清楚～加油！

pinkyhuayin · 发表于 2012-7-29 22:02:24

to my dear partner,此作文我好像写了一个晚上。。。三个小时肯定有了，呵呵，因为我自己已经改了几遍，这稿算是比较满意的吧，也就这个水平了。所以请你在批改的时候，重点放在我这个文章的逻辑结构上面。当然，整体的逻辑机构肯定是没有问题了。我指的是，具体每一个句子。你读起来的时候，是否感觉逻辑清楚，条理很强，还有论证是不是到位。anyway，希望，你可以把你觉得不通顺的地方，或者逻辑结构需要改善的地方，论据薄弱的地方告诉我，非常感谢，鞠躬，上菜。

7月29日

10.08.20NA the most important investment for a company is tospend money to improve the work skills of its employees.

we are living in a age of revolution and companies, asindependent organizations, are facing fierce competition to pursuit themaximum profits. Thus, when it comes to the important investment for a company,people hold divergent ideas. In my view, the most important investment is tospend money on creativeness, management and charity, but not just work skill.

Yet my disagreement does not suggest that the investmentof employee personal work skill should be abandoned, but rather included alongwith other indispensable factors in determining the investment of a company,since talents are the foundation for every development, and a company can notmake lasting high profit without talents. It is also a wise choice to keeptalents from job-hopping by providing person skill training. For instance,present skill guides employees to use PPT to show their thinkings and hands-ontraining gives them opportunities to manipulate specialized facilities.

However, other more crucial elements can not be ignoredas I listed above. First, the creativeness. As competition is on the raise inmodern society, creativeness is an edged sword for a company to break though oreven be a leader. Take Apple Inc, not the Newton

’s butJobs’s, as an example. The fantastic function and impeccable design attract thewhole world crazy for its product. There is not doubt that the key success ofApple Inc is the its unparalleled creativeness in high-tech industry. Second,management. Contrast to skill training for individuals, the high efficientmanagement tools can enhance the whole company’s competitiveness by theimproving labor work efficiency and saving cost. According to a survey of TOP500 FORTUNE companies in the world , most of these top companies adapt to updatemanagement tools every year in order to maintain their advantages. Third, thecharity. Maybe some people question “does it work?”. However, the charityactivity of a company is always an impressive advertisement, especially certainhot-spot projects about starvation and poverty. Sadly, thousands of children in Africa aredied of starvation. JNJ, an American company targets children and young asconsumers, sets up a fund from its profit to help hungry and homeless childrenin Africa. Thischarity activity moves many young mothers to purchase its product. Not only theprofit the company gains, but a good reputation in the world as well.

In sum, creativeness,management and charity are the most valuable area for a company to invest. Ifthere is anyone out there who doubts the influence of novelty ,who wonders thepower of organization ,who questions the appeal of benevolence, my issue is theanswer.

pinkyhuayin · 发表于 2012-7-29 22:04:30

是的，是的，词汇还是我的一个薄弱环节，要加强啊。常常为了一个可以替换的词，想半天，囧。。。

gre呀gre · 发表于 2012-7-30 22:32:30

we are living in a（an） age of revolution and companies, （and）asindependent（对不起这个词我在韦氏都查不到- -） organizations, are facing （a）fierce competition to pursuitthe maximum profits. Thus, when it comes to the important investment for acompany,people hold divergent ideas. In my view, the most important investmentis to spend money on creativeness, management and charity, but not just workskill.

Yet my disagreement does not suggest that the investment of employee（employees’） personal work skill should be abandoned, but rather includedalongwith other indispensable factors in determining the investment of acompany,since talents are the foundation for every development, and a companycan not make lasting（直接用last） high profit without talents.（这句话好难懂- -不过我懂了- - 连接词用的有点奇怪，感觉有点生硬啊~） It is also a wise choice to keep talents from job-hopping byproviding person（personal） skill training（神马意思？为了跳槽而提供training？）. For instance,present skill guides employees to use PPT to showtheir thinkings and hands-on training gives them opportunities to manipulatespecialized facilities.

However, other more crucial elements can not be ignored as I listedabove. First（firstly，书面语中不用first来列举）, the creativeness. （不是完整句子）As competition is on ~~the~~ raisein modern society, creativeness is an edged sword（赞！） for a company to break though or evenbe a leader. Take Apple Inc, not the Newton’s but Jobs’s, as anexample. The fantastic function and impeccable design attract（attract后面的句子意思有点奇怪，只能吸引人或者目光神马的，吸引crazy逻辑上不通顺~） the whole world crazy for its product. There is not doubt that thekey success of Apple Inc is the its unparalleled creativeness in high-tech industry.

Second（secondly，同上）,management. Contrast to skill training forindividuals, the high efficient management tools can enhance the wholecompany’s competitiveness by the improving labor work efficiency and savingcost. According to a survey of TOP500 FORTUNE companies in the world , most ofthese top companies adapt to update management tools every year in order to maintaintheir advantages.

Third（thirdly，同上）, the charity. Maybe some people question “does it work?”. However,the charity activity of a company is always an impressive advertisement,especially certain hot-spot projects about starvation and poverty. Sadly,thousands of children in Africa aredied of starvation. JNJ, an American companytargets children and young as consumers, （and）sets up a fund from its profit to help hungry and homelesschildrenin Africa. This charity activity moves many young mothers to purchaseits product. Not only the profit the company gains, but a good reputation inthe world as well.（not only but also是半倒桩，而且前后要对称，这里想说赢得了利润和声望，并列的地方不对，应该是the company gains not only the profits but a good reputation in theworld as well.）

In sum, creativeness,management and charity are the most valuablearea for a company to invest. If there is anyone out there who doubts theinfluence of novelty ,who wonders the power of organization ,(and)whoquestions the appeal of benevolence, my issue is the answer.

写的挺好的，就是句子有点点绕，例子都举得很棒！都是具体的例子而且非常国际化~tips：

1。中间说明三个重要因素的地方没有分段啊，我觉得分段才能更清晰啊~

2. 让步段太长了啊，有点点喧宾夺主了~

3. 每一段感觉说的都不够清楚，没有展开去说，尤其是第二个观点，无论是例子还是论述都不够展开~

妹纸！你写的真的挺好的，就是有些长难句感觉是为了长难句而长难句了，我不知道怎么改，就是感觉不够流畅，不够地道，anyway，加了个油~

pinkyhuayin · 发表于 2012-7-31 11:00:12

谢谢楼上点评啦，我觉得现在自己不会写简单句了。本来想的是简单句，写着写着就复杂了。。。还是要回归滴~

你点评的很仔细，辛苦啦。不过有几个地方是插入语，所以不用连词。是了使句子多变设计的，可能不够自然吧，所以别人看来还是生硬啊

加油↖(^ω^)↗

pinkyhuayin · 发表于 2012-8-2 14:53:58

8月1日

If you need todiscuss upsetting or controversial problems with others, you will use e-mail ortext messaging，OR use the telephone orvoice-messaging。
As we are living in an age of high-tech with no previoushuman experience that could be referred to, more methods to communication havesurface, including text messaging andvoice message. When it comes to upsetting or controversial problems, peoplehave different choices. I prefer to voice message for following reasons.

To begin with, voice messaging conveys more informationthan text messaging. According to a survey conducted by Harvard about theefficiency of communication, more 70 percent meaning can be transferredproperly by talking, while only 30 percent by words. Why ? Let’s see anexample. “ You deserve it !” Only threesimple words, two controversial meanings. One hand, it is used for praise whenpeople succeed .On the other hand, totally different, it is a kind of when people lose. Therefore, via the tones invoice messaging, we can find hint, tell true from lies and avoid mistakes.

Moreover, there is no doubt that telephone is a amazinginvention , which brings about direct communication . It seems that people fromdistance place are talking face to face. In a unpleasant circumstance, communicationin time is of great important. GM, an American automobile company, found itsproduct have technical problem. The CEO made an apology on TV and radio programand announced to call cars back. This direct communication won the trust ofcustomers. If the company just put some notes, some customer may miss them orrealize the problem months later. How do they feel? I am afraid that will be adifferent story.

Furthermore, it is a wise choice discuss embarrassingproblems by voice message, since humans are always emotional animals. Eventhough people claim we are clam and thinking , emotion is an indispensablepart. During Asian economic crisis, big companies had to dismiss employees inorder to survive. One old man wanted to suicide when he get the dismissalletter. Luckily, his son, who studied abroad, noticed it when he called hisfather and prevented such a tragedy from happening. The voice message can givepeople more energy ,encourage them to come over difficulties and build up theirconfidence.

In sum, not only the entire and direct information voice messagingconveys, but also the emotions. That is the reason why voice message issuperior to text message.

pinkyhuayin · 发表于 2012-8-2 14:59:11

8.2 it is often not a good thing to move to a new city
or a new countrybecause of the lose of old friends.
Thereis no doubt that everyone around the world need friends from child to adult. Meantime,living in modern society ,some people have to move to a new city
or even a new country due todifferent reasons. however, true friends will not be lost even though ones cannot be together everyday. Thus, my view in this case is that immigration hasnothing to do with losing old friends.
Asthe old saying goes,“afriend in need is a friend indeed”. I think this is the best answer to thequestion- who is a real friend. Friendship is an indispensable relationshipbetween people who you can share happiness and pains with. If friends will belost just because they can not get together everyday, I have to point out thatthey is not real friends. It is sad but true,so people do not need to worryabout losing such friends.

Moreover,with the development of modern technology, people can keep touch with others mucheasily than ever before. Besides traditional hand writing letters, there are manyother communication methods. the internet is a good point in this case. Though theinternet, people can talk to each other and even see the video at the same timeonly if you get a computer and linked internet.

Furthermore,there are many benefits to move to another city or even country to start a newlife. It is widely accepted that when people move into a new environment, hewill be much more interested in meeting strange people and making new friends.people can also learn how other people live ,which a meaningful experience.it is apparent thatthose who often travel to meet different people in different cities orcountries are more widen-sight and develop an excellent communication skill. Themore you get ,the more you can share with your friends.

Although I agree that changing live environment willlose some old friends, I feel that advantages are more obvious. Moving to livein a new cityor country is an good opportunity to meet different people ,make new friend andlearn new culture.

写作小分队---一战写作20,目标25，fighting---求拍砖，狠狠拍，别客气呀

所属分类: TOEFL / IELTS

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