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[作文互改] argument60 求猛拍!

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楼主
发表于 2012-5-14 21:54:41 | 只看该作者 回帖奖励 |倒序浏览 |阅读模式
60) The following appeared in a letter from a firm providing investment advice for a client.
Most homes in the northeastern United States, where winters are typically cold, have traditionally used oil as their major fuel for heating. Last heating season that region experienced 90 days with below-normal temperatures, and climate forecasters predict that this weather pattern will continue for several more years. Furthermore, many new homes are being built in the region in response to recent population growth. Because of these trends, we predict an increased demand for heating oil and recommend investment in Consolidated Industries, one of whose major business operations is the retail sale of home heating oil.
Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.


In this letter, the client points out that wepredict an increase demand for heating oil and recommend investment inConsolidated Industries, one of whose major business operations is the retailsale of home heating oil. To corroborate this prediction, the client cites thatmost home in the northeastern United States have traditionally used oil astheir major fuel for heating. The client also cites that the weather pattern as90 days with below-normal temperature will continue for several more years andmany new homes are being built. At first glance, the letter appears to besomehow plausible, close scrutiny of these evidences, however, reveals that ittends little credible support for the manager’s claim.


To begin with, by relying on the fact thatmost homes in the northeastern United States have traditionally used oil astheir major fuel for heating depend on the assumption that they will not changetheir traditional choice in the future. Yet the client provides no evidence toadvocate this assumption. It is possible that frequently fluctuated oil priceforces residences in those regions to change their habit of heating in order toreduce their living cost. Or perhaps the immigrated young people from otherregion brings advanced healing system to northeastern United States, thus theresidents will make an alternative choice. Without eliminating these possibilities,the client cannot rely on the fact to justify that the demand for heating oilwill increase in these areas.

Apart from that, the client assumes thatthe former trend that region experienced 90 days with below-normal temperaturewill continue in the future. The client, however, fails to substantiate thisassumption. It is possible that the real temperature in last heating season isonly 2 centigrade below the normal temperature, thus such so-calledbelow-normal temperature does not impulses residence to increase their demandfor heating oil. Without considering this possible scenario, the client cannotassert that there will be an increase for heating oil in the future.

A third problem with the letter is thatwhether the many newly-built homes means an increased demand for heating oil.It is entirely possible that the homes are being built for immigrants and theyare likely to leave this area in winter. Or perhaps the newly-built houses areequipped advanced heating system instead of heating oil. Without ruling outsuch alternative possibilities, the client cannot reach that conclusion.

To sum up, the client fails to validate theconclusion. To solidify the argument, the client should provide more concreteevidence to demonstrate the conclusion. In addition, the client would have torule out the above mentioned possibilities that would undermine the claim.


提纲
1.家庭用heating oil的传统可能会改变
2.90天的below-normal temperature oversimplification 可能只是比normal低了2度
3.房子多了不一定用oil变大
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沙发
发表于 2012-5-15 10:50:49 | 只看该作者
看看第一句严重的语法问题:
Most homes in the northeastern United States, where winters are typically cold, have traditionally used oil as their major fuel for heating.

Winter第一个字母要大写; 前面是are,后面用used...

in the northeastern United States 也不是很恰当, 一般the United States 连在一起。
板凳
发表于 2012-5-15 20:34:24 | 只看该作者
an increase demand ?
used oil astheir major fuel for heating depend on the assumption?注意你的动词形式啊,否则就成了谓语了。
A third problem,用the就好
你有必要组织下你的三个质疑点,按照一定的逻辑顺序写比较好,有气势,凌乱了容易出现交叉。
另外你的语言表达需要有意识地注意下,写完了,你自己可以读读,看有没有错误的地方
地板
 楼主| 发表于 2012-5-15 21:45:20 | 只看该作者
但是这个事题目啊,不是我写的~
5#
 楼主| 发表于 2012-5-15 21:51:39 | 只看该作者
嗯嗯~谢谢你的点评我想请教一下三个论点怎么排列比较好呢,我是按照argument里面论据出现的先后来安排顺序的。


P.S 这样的文章大概能拿几分?有4分嘛?
6#
发表于 2012-5-16 11:13:47 | 只看该作者
嗯嗯~谢谢你的点评我想请教一下三个论点怎么排列比较好呢,我是按照argument里面论据出现的先后来安排顺序的。


P.S 这样的文章大概能拿几分?有4分嘛?
-- by 会员 liyc1030 (2012/5/15 21:51:39)

4分还欠吧,我觉得
7#
 楼主| 发表于 2012-5-21 18:11:52 | 只看该作者
那要怎么写才能有4分啊?我这个是按照新东方老师的思路写的,也是套模板的。他说这样能有4.5以上啊。这个差距有些大额
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